


Nobody Can Save Me

by SonataNocturne



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feels, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Sad, Self-Harm, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-02-06 18:24:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 54,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12823416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonataNocturne/pseuds/SonataNocturne
Summary: Rob is depressed and feels that self-harm is a good way to deal with it. Shutting himself up he doesn't notice that he isn't alone.





	1. I'm my own worst enemy

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second fanfic ever. As I write this it is still going on. Originally posted on Wattpad and LPFiction

He stared at the ceiling in a hotel room somewhere. "Fuck this shit." He was annoyed of everything. Frustrated and angry. If he could he would run to the streets to start a fight. Or drink a bottle of vodka. Or something. Just to numb the pain he felt inside. But no, he couldn't. Cause he was famous and they had shows to play. "Oh, fuck that shit too." He thought he was depressed and messed up but then they got famous and he knew he was. And he shouldn't do something like that anyway. It wasn't the way he acted. How he should act. Like there was a rule how he should behave. 

 

He grunted and rose up to sit on the bed. They were at the middle of the tour in somewhere of Europe. Well, to be exact they had been on the road for almost a year. But it felt like it was half of his lifetime. Every hotel room looked the same. Every road looked the same. Every city looked the same. Every crowd looked the same. He did love the fans. He just didn't want to be that guy to have fans. And he was just sick of the feelings he had. There was always something. Somebody wanted something. He was never really alone. And he blamed himself for that too. He didn't deserve this all.

 

After few first shows of the tour he had requested his own hotel room on the days they didn't sleep on the bus. He didn't really want to be around the guys. They were his friends but they still didn't really know him. Like really know what he felt. In hotels he could at least sleep alone. Not in the bus. The bus was like a hell for him nowadays. Sure they had asked him why wouldn't he want to share a room, joking that maybe he had a secret boyfriend from the crew that he would meet at nights. And he joked back, cause that is what he does. They were all normal and happy, just like they had always been. Too normal and too happy for him. He couldn't bear that. It was bullshit. Not because they shouldn't be happy, but cause he wanted to be happy too. He just couldn't. There was like this hole inside of him that swallowed all positive feelings. Once in a while it was full and he could be moderately happy for a while. And then it was hungrier than ever. He felt like he was deceiving the others with his act. Cause that was what he had to do. Act like a normal and happy person like the rest were. But he was deceiving himself too, believing that it just was like that. That the others wouldn't care even if he would tell them.

 

Then there was a knock on a door. "Yo! We are going to get something to eat. Wanna join us?". 

 

Of course he would. He had to. Otherwise they would go weird and ask all the questions he didn't want to answer. Didn't know how to answer. "Just a sec!", he yelled back getting up from the bed. Yes dinner. Before moving back to the bus from the hotel room. He had packed already. Or you could say he never unpacked. No point in that anyway.

 

He looked in the mirror before leaving. Eyes dark and sunken. He had probably lost 20 something pounds in few weeks but no one noticed. They never did. Pulling an oversized hoodie over his head he sighed and stepped outside the hotel room and put on a fake smile.

 

\-----


	2. Keep it locked up inside

The diner was deserted but they still chose the last booth so that they could be alone. Usually they were not bothered but you never know.

 

"The driver said we should be going in two hours so guess we need to pack quickly after this", Mike said concentrating then to the short menu the diner had. Yucky greasy stuff, but that was the only choice now. Tomorrow there would be catering.

 

"I already have my bags in the bus", Dave had decided what he wants to eat and let others use the menu. Yeah, like they wouldn't have enough menu's in the dinner except the two they were handed.

 

"Of course Dave", Chester snorted and rolled his eyes.

 

"Hey! Bassists are always punctual!", he waved his hands to the singer.

 

"Bullllllll...shit", Brad threw a bundle of paper to the bassist laughing.

 

"What would you gentlemen want for dinner? We have excellent omelets I must say", the waiter interrupted them with small accent just in time before they would have started bickering.

 

"Sounds good to me. With bacon, please", Chester nodded smiling.

 

Mike and Dave nodded implying that they wanted the same.

 

"I'll take the one with cheese and tomatoes", Brad pointed to the menu.

 

"Yes, that for me too. And coffee", Joe mumbled focusing on his phone.

 

The waiter turned then to face the silent one in the corner. "How about you young man? With bacons or tomatoes? Or would you like to try the toasts? They are good too", the middle aged waiter smiled tapping her pen to the notepad.

 

"I'm good thanks", he answered staring out from the window. Even the thought of food made Rob's stomach turn.

 

Brad frowned. Again? This was like third time that week the drummer didn't eat with the rest of the band.

 

"I'll be back soon with the coffee. Would the rest want coffee too?", the waiter asked getting only silent nods for answer.

 

Dave continued trying to kick the DJ under the table. He was slightly irritated that he didn't play along. Cause getting him annoyed was his favorite thing.

 

"Phi! Stop it!", Mike slapped at the bassist when he felt the kick land on his leg. Dave shrugged playing innocent even though Mike knew it was him.

 

"So how many shows before we go back to home?", Chester asked giving a look for Dave to behave. By home he meant US. Didn't mean they would finish the tour yet.

 

The waiter came back with the coffee and they fell silent. She gazed them interested but didn't say anything. Just poured the coffee and left.

 

"I believe it was four?", Mike sipped the steaming hot coffee.

 

"Five", Rob answered before no one said a single word. Yes, he knew how many shows there were left. He wasn't interested where they were. He just counted the shows towards the end.

 

"Yeah, five it was", Joe nodded.

 

The food came soon after and they ate almost silently. Rob wanted to get back to the room already. Except that they would have to leave soon so he really didn't have alone time. He gazed at the guitarist's plate next to him and shivered.

 

"Do you want to share?", Brad smiled to him offering his fork.

 

"Not a surprise he read me wrong", Rob thought feeling nausea build up.

 

"No. I will wait outside", he rose up almost jumping over Brad and Mike who were sitting next to him before running outside.

 

Outside the diner he inhaled deeply trying to calm himself down. And then threw all up his stomach contents. Which wasn't much.

 

"Great", he mumbled after and lifted the hood over his head leaning on the wall. Feeling a single tear roll down his cheek he shook his head and punched the wall.

 

"Stop it, you don't cry", he thought biting his lip hard. Staring at the rain clouds he waited trying not to think anymore.

 

"You alright?", Brad suddenly appeared next to him.

 

"Yeah", he muttered not turning his head to look at the guitarist.

 

"Sure? You don't seem fine", he still insisted.

 

The drummer didn't answer. He hated this bullshit small talk. Of course he wasn't fine. But saying he isn't fine wouldn't change a thing. So better to make them believe he is fine.

 

"Let's go, the driver called and said there would be traffic. Some bridge is out of order so we have to take different route", Mike popped out from the diner with the rest.

 

They walked quickly back to the hotel and to their own rooms to pick up their stuff.

 

Rob closed the door behind him and sighed. He buried his face with his hands and tried again to calm down.

 

"Fuck!", he shouted and kicked a pile of books like it would help. And he loved books. They let him bury himself inside them. To the fiction worlds. But still they were silent. No questions, no judgement. Only comforting false words.

 

Breathing in he started to get his stuff together. Toothbrush, toothpaste, coat, that was pretty much it. And the . books from the floor. He kneeled to pic them up and noticed something shiny on the ugly carpet. Razor blade. How the hell did that get there? Then he remembered. He had hidden it inside a book years ago. He hadn't read that one ever since. And now it must have fallen out cause of the kick. Part of him wanted to throw it away but he picked it up and placed back inside the book and placed the books then on his other bag. Then he made the bed and now the room looked like there hasn't nobody even been. He grabbed the bags and left the room to head to the bus. Maybe it would be all over sooner if he would be quicker with the process.

 

"Joe is already in. I'll wait for the rest in this lovely weather", Chester greeted him with a grin in the rain.

 

The drummer stepped in an felt instantly anxiety kick in. Fucking bus. He really hated it. Heading further down he opened his bags below his bunk and threw some items over the edge then shifting the bags on their place. Then he went to the fridge to get a Coke. This wasn't their own bus. Their own one needed some repair and because the schedule was tight they decided to leave it in the States. It would be waiting them at the airport. The bus was otherwise really similar but it was just tiny bit smaller.

 

"Bring me one too!", Joe shouted at the back of the bus not even knowing who was the one at the fridge. Which meant that he wouldn't even know what was taken from the fridge but they pretty much had only soda there. Rob grabbed a Diet one for Joe knowing his preference and went to find him.

 

"Thanks. Thought you were still at the hotel", he took the drink and popped it open focusing back to his laptop. 

 

Others came flowing in and soon they all had gathered in the back. Mike searched his pockets to get the ear phones on and Chester turned the X-Box on to play some GTA. Dave decided it was good time to call home and Brad sat next to Joe to see what he did. Basically same as they did always. It only changed who did what. Rob gazed outside. Five more shows in this crappy weather. He could of course leave to his bunk. But at this hour it would only lead to questions. Way easier to just deal with the others.

 

"Everybody in?", the driver shouted and started the bus.

 

"Yup!", Chester yelled back then focusing back to the screen. Rob glanced at the singer. He was always so friendly and happy. And the drummer knew his past. Which made it even weirder. Cause with that past the drummer wouldn't have been sane. He wasn't now either but could at least play and behave almost normally.

 

Joe and Brad next to him had been immersed into conversation about the next record. Some had already started to write some songs even though they still had long tour ahead. Rob didn't care really. He would be there when needed. He was just sick of himself. He wanted to be alone but being alone was like poison. It slowly destroyed him. Being with the other lead his mind to other things at least for a while.

 

Mike smiled to the music and watched the road ahead. He was comfortable. Why wouldn't he be? He loved touring and meeting the fans. Rob sighed and wished he could just disappear. Well he kinda was invisible but only to a certain point.

 

"I'm talking to you", Dave waved a hand in front of his face.

 

"Huh?", Rob answered. He didn't even notice the other came back.

 

"Wanna play poker? Or something else? I'm bored", the bassist smiled.

 

"Yeah, sure, why not...", he answered quietly. Once again a thing he didn't really want to do but had to. Cause it would cause problems if he would have said no. Oh how he hated this. He felt like screaming but his hard shell kept it in. No cracks visible. It was solid. It could be broken yes, but he would do anything to keep it intact.

 

Dave fetched the cards and divided the deck on the table.

 

"Yeeeeeeah!", Chester yelled amongst the game excitedly. Mike snorted to the reaction and poked softly his back with his foot. Chester waved his hand signing the emcee to stop what he was doing and concentrated then back to the game. Mike rolled his eyes still smiling.

 

Dave cleared his throat. Rob turned back and noticed it was his turn. Oops, time to focus more. His mind was terrible place. Sometimes it was so empty that only an echo bounced around. And sometimes it was so crowded of thoughts that he could barely hear his own voice. Pushing the thoughts away only made them louder and at some point it was like foghorn in his head. The pain was intolerable. And he felt that was starting again soon.

 

"I think we need to do that totally again. Like, that sounds stupid. Not literally but, almost. Not really... Well you know, like Linkin Park we want it to be", Brad pointed out something to Joe that was clearly disagreeing with him.

 

"Rob!", Dave growled. The drummer turned his gaze back to the game and didn't even realize what was he supposed to do next.

 

Rob inhaled silently and looked quickly at the game to figure out where they were. All the noises were confusing him. Too much at same time.

 

"How long is the drive by the way?", Mike mumbled to Joe who new all these kind of things.

 

"The driver said that it would be around three to four hours cause of the delay", the DJ answered going back to the laptop then.

 

The drummer listened wondering and placed his cards next. Nobody seemed to question the answer but he didn't want to ask either.

 

"Geez... So idle time cause someone didn't plan it all the way through", Chester said and walked to the fridge. Yeah, luckily he wasn't the only one to think it further. Or worry, as he would say himself.

 

"I'm kinda tired", Rob mumbled. He didn't really mind the game. It was the company. It made him feel like he was alone.

 

"You don't look... Oh wait, you do look like you are!", Dave laughed thinking he made a good joke.

 

The drummer rolled his eyes grinning and let the bassist have the victory. He rose up and walked to his bunk.

 

"Are you going to sleep already? It's early?", he was stopped by the singer who had a bottle of water with him.

 

"Guess I'm tired. Maybe flu or something", he smiled like he was being forced to.

 

"Sleep well", Chester smiled sincerely and headed towards the others.

 

The drummer didn't bother to answer as the other man had already left him. He got off from his clothes, leaving only his t-shirt and boxers on and climbed on the top bunk pulling the curtain in front of it. Mike would be sleeping under him, and Brad next to him. The singer slept under Brad. The arrangement suited Rob well. He didn't care really. Only thing was that the singer snored and the guitarist talked on his sleep. They weren't too loud though. When the guitarist talked he sometimes woke up and listened for a while. He didn't want the others to suffer, but when the guitarist saw nightmares Rob felt like wasn't alone with the dark thoughts. The emcee under him only moaned occasionally like he had sex dreams, and he didn't hear the rest of the group.

 

He tried to get comfortable and listened to the others. One would think he would need ear plugs but personally he didn't mind the voices. As longs as they didn't concern him. He rummaged through the items he had earlier thrown in his bunk and found his iPod and some books. He paused with one of them. The razor blade was there. Thinking about it brought up so many memories. He opened the book and held the blade on his hand. Maybe... maybe that was what he needed? He gazed at the old scars on his wrist and placed the blade between two of them and draw it slowly. The feeling was overwhelming. It hurt but somehow it helped. Like all the thoughts that he had been piling were pouring out from the cut. He felt like crying but bit his lip. The crimson blood droplets slowly emerged from the wound tainting his pale skin. He stared at the sight in awe. He didn't remember that it felt like this. The blood was so beautiful and the pain felt so good. Slowly he made another one. And another. But the third one was deeper and blood came rushing too quickly. "Shit", he muttered and took of his shirt to stop the bleeding with it. It wasn't too deep but he didn't want to mess his bed either. Or then the others would notice. He wrapped the shirt around his arm and let the physical pain take away the emotional. He inhaled and slowly drifted into peaceful dreamland.

 

\------


	3. The silence split me open

"Bourdie! Get up! No time to sleep all day. We are at the venue", Dave punched him through the curtain startling him. "Shit, I slept really long", he thought looking at the clock on his phone. The show would start in some hours.

 

"We will go inside, see you there", the bassist continued.

 

"Yeah..", Rob groaned leaning on his elbows. Shit, he remembered his wrist then. The t-shirt had soaked a lot of blood and then dried on the wound. It hurt to pull it off and it started to ooze blood instantly. He bit his lip hard kind of satisfied. It had been long time since he had done something that made him feel tiny bit better. He peeked out from the bunk making sure he was alone and jumped out. Pulling quickly pants and shoes on he threw the t-shirt in his bag and searched for another one. "Fuck." He realized then that even the long sleeves would make questions arise. Grunting he headed to the toilet to rinse the wounds and get some gauze from the emergency package. "That will do", he thought after he had gotten the gauze on. Then he pulled the shirt on, took a coat with him and walked out from the bus.

 

The bus was parked under the venue in a huge parking garage. It was freaking cold and he shivered and walked inside quickly.

 

"Finally. We need to get the sound check done", Mike rushed him onward. Rob rolled his eyes and followed the emcee.

 

"Slept well? At least you slept long", the guitarist greeted him at the stage.

 

He nodded smiling slightly. His stomach growled same time and he remembered he hadn't eaten in long time. Maybe they had something nice at the catering.

 

Sound check was quickly over and they headed backstage. There was a delicious smell of food lingering in the air and they all headed to get something to eat. Rob got a plate of veggie pasta and sat with the others. Joe was talking with Dave about the venue and how they should change the set list. Mike and Chester were joking about something that didn't interest him. He stared at the plate and felt again the same nausea build up. "Eat. You have to", he thought.

 

"Hey... Did you open the present yet? You didn't say anything so...", Brad poked him softly.

 

Yeah, he had had birthday few days ago but didn't even open the presents. He didn't deserve them. They just added more attention and he didn't want it.

 

"Oh.. No, not yet", he stared at the food still. "Guess I have to today. Don't want them to feel bad either", he thought piercing the pasta with his fork and putting it in his mouth.

 

"Please do! Today? I want to hear what you think", the guitarist smiled to him excitedly. Rob just contented to nod back and focused back to the food. More like focusing himself not to think too much. He managed to eat most of the food and was happy with the accomplishment.

 

-Brad POV-

 

There he was. Looking crappy still. At least he did sleep long so maybe he rested well too. Don't know what the problem is but I have to ask soon. Not eating and barely talking isn't like him. Well the barely talking is, but now he has been totally lost in his own thoughts. And again looking at the food like it was pile of crap. And it really wasn't. It smelled delicious and tasted too. He must have lost lots of weight too. Or gotten bigger shirts. Maybe he has some worries back at home that he doesn't want to talk about. Must be something like that. Gotta ask him about the present too. Weird that he hasn't said anything, he must love it.

 

"Hey... Did you open the present yet? You didn't say anything so...", I ask and poke him to get his attention. He looks confused and annoyed. Maybe there is something wrong in his plate of food.

 

"Oh.. No, not yet", he says and doesn't even turn his head. That is weird. It's like he doesn't want to interact at all.

 

"Please do! Today? I want to hear what you think", I smile and force myself not to yell all questions to him. Where the hell is the drummer I used to know?

 

-End of the POV-

 

He stood up and walked out from the room leaving the others behind. Still some time to kill before the show. The wrist ached and itched but it was more like this sweet burning and totally tolerable. He headed to the back stage dressing room and found a quiet corner and sat down. Only some hours and it would be finished. Then four more gigs and back to States.

 

\----

 

"Hey! Again you are not paying attention!", Dave stomped his foot in front of him. He had fallen so deep into his thoughts that he hadn't seen the others getting to the room.

 

"Sorry...", he whispered and took the drumsticks that the bassist was handing to him. Dave gave one more glance to him and shook then his head.

 

"Ten minutes!", there was suddenly a voice echoing in the room.

 

Chester was fooling around like he usually does and Brad was watching him laughter glistening in his eyes. Joe wasn't anywhere to be seen and the rest two talked about something getting their ear monitors on. He stood up and gulped. There it goes again... He was glad he could hide behind the drums and he didn't have to interact with the fans like the rest did. Just focusing to the rhythm it should be soon over. They were pushed slowly towards the stage and he watched what the others did not saying a word.

 

At the stage he sat down behind his set and heard the crowd first time properly. He wanted to shrink. To disappear. But it wasn't possible. Not now, not anymore. Soon 'What I've Done' started and he inhaled audibly, closed his eyes and waited for his cue and then started to play. It came from the spine and as long as he concentrated to the drums he didn't hear the audience. He didn't have to care about the people that came to see them play. To see him play. He didn't want that. Didn't deserve that...

 

At the end of 'Faint' he knew it had been bad idea. His wrist ached so much after beating the cymbals and he wanted to scream. "Fifteen and something to go, fuck", he bit his lip and mentally punched himself. 'No More Sorrow' started and he felt blood soaking his sleeve. "Stupid fucking idiot", he yelled at himself inside his mind. "Why why why I didn't think it further". Only thing he was happy was that he had used deep blue shirt and not the white one that was the other clean option. He even laughed dryly to that thought. Focusing again to the playing he managed to push his thoughts aside. His sweat stung in the wound but still the pain was tolerable.

 

And soon the last encore song was played and he was relieved. "Now I will get this fucking shirt of and use duct tape or something. And never, ever again do that before a show", he thought. And stopped to that. He was really thinking about doing it again? "Messed up more than one way, I guess"

 

Fans were cheering and the cacophony was deafening. He was last to go down and it was totally dark there. 'Exit'- signs shed some light and with feeling the walls he managed slowly to go further. He felt the panic rise but tried to suffocate it.

 

"There you are!", Chester was suddenly in front of him. "Some electric issues, come", he heard him say. The singer grabbed his wrist and he yelped and flinched. "Crap! Not that one!", he thought.

 

"Whoa, sorry. What was that?", Chester asked weirded out by the sudden outburst.

 

"Uhm... Probably just slept on my wrist. And playing made it worse, you know", he shrugged feeling his face get red. Luckily it was so dark.

 

"You got to be careful. Next show tomorrow and more to come. We can't lose you", he was pushed forward by the singer.

 

He did know that. He knew it very well. He most likely knew it better than anyone of them. That there was more shows to play. But no, it wasn't like he was irreplaceable. Quite the opposite, really. 

 

"Yeah.. I think I will just rest it today", he mumbled when they arrived to the garage.

 

"The drive is super short, but the driver said that he'd rather leave now and sleep then night well there", Dave was telling the others when they caught them.

 

"Surprisingly the forecast says that there should be no rain now. Terrible wind though", Joe waved in front of his lap top when they got inside the bus. Rob shivered. He hated the cold weather.

 

"So... Are we going to sleep in the bus today", he asked pointing his words to Mike.

 

"No. But, the hotel was really booked so I'm sorry you and Brad share a room", he answered knowing that the drummer wouldn't like the answer.

 

"Oh. Okay", he nodded and sat down to the couch they had back in the bus. "Nice. Just perfect day for that", he thought. 

 

Brad glanced at the drummer and felt awkward. It was like the other man was hit hard. Totally defeated. And only cause he had to sleep in the same room with him. And it wasn't like they would share a bed or anything. Which though still wouldn't be enough to cause that kind of reaction. He sighed and decided he would ask was was this all about. He had to know why the drummer had changed so much.


	4. Thinking everything's about me

The ride was short as was said and they were at the hotel quickly. But actually Rob was just happy he didn't have to spend night at the other town. His calender says that after the next show they would have a day before the other show. Then the two and home. Home sounds so good. He felt like even though the tour would not be over he would have better chance to escape. Like he even could escape. That would just cause more problems and the attention. Fuck he hated the attention.

 

They got out from the bus and inside the hotel. It was already way over midnight and they needed sleep desperately. Mike went to grab the keys from the reception and they all headed to their rooms. Rob was dead tired and he barely could stand on his feet. Dismally he followed the guitarist.

 

"Fuck", Brad froze when he opened the door. Double bed. Maybe he jinxed it.

 

"I'm going to talk to the reception", he nodded to the drummer. He didn't really care, but he knew that the drummer wouldn't accept that.

 

Rob stood still and stared at the bed. Just fucking great. And if he would complain and make a scene the others would think he is an asshole or something. He went to see were the beds only pushed together but no, it was a real double bed. And not even big one. Didn't take long after the guitarist came back with a grimace on his face.

 

"I'm so sorry Robbie. It really is the only room they have. If you want I can go ask if any of the others would like to change place with me?", he shook his head.

 

Rob stared at the bed. It wouldn't be even closer that they are in the bus anyway. Except the mattress is same. "Nah, what's the point. Won't change a thing anyway", he mumbled.

 

Brad sighed and opened his bag to get a toothbrush and rest. So it wasn't him that was annoying the drummer so much. That was good to know. He brushed his teeth quickly and went to open the bed up. "Oh nice, only one blanket too. It would be so nice if all of the surprises would come at once for fuck's sake!", he groaned in his mind.

 

Rob watched carefully what the guitarist was doing and went then to brush his own teeth. He opened the mirrored door in the cupboard so he wouldn't have to see himself. Most likely he wouldn't look better than last time. After his before bed- routine he want back to the room and noticed that Brad was already under the covers watching something on his phone. "Oh, shoot the wrist.." He thought that what would be best way to handle it. If he would sleep shirt on the guitarist would question it. Instead he turned the lights off, tossed his pants and shoes, went under the covers and then tossed his shirt. "For once I did something smart, hah!", he thought.

 

"I thought you usually read in bed before you sleep?", Brad asked.

 

"Yeah... Well I'm just tired. Couldn't focus on it anyway", he muttered lying. Reading only took his thoughts back to the blade. It was like the ring in Lord of the Rings. It was calling him. He could slip into the bathroom when the guitarist was asleep but... if he would get caught that would be bad. Like really bad.

 

"Okay... Well, say if this annoys you too much. I'll put it away soon anyway", the guitarist smiled the phone screen illuminating his face.

 

"I don't mind", he answered turning his back to the guitarist. It would be long night if he wouldn't get sleep soon. The void inside him was hungry and angry and he hated the feeling.

 

He did get sleep soon but in the middle of the night he woke up to weird noises. Trying to see something in the dark he realized it was Brad. He was sleep talking. Again. Rob didn't quite get what was it about but he couldn't continue sleeping so he decided to wake the other up.

 

"Brad! Wake up, you are talking in you sleep", he shook the guitarist.

 

"Rob... What the hell?", he woke up mumbling. The drummer was almost on top of him shaking him by the arms.

 

"Go back to sleep. I just thought... what ever", he muttered back. Maybe the guitarist would now sleep quietly.

 

"Thanks... I had a horrible nightmare", he sighed back and tossed around. Soon steady breathing filled the room and they were both sleeping again.

 

In the morning Rob wake up before the guitarist and quietly slipped under the covers to get to the shower. The guitarist looked so peaceful in his sleep. It almost made Rob smile. He tossed his boxers on to the floor and got into the tiny bathtub and turned the shower on. The water didn't get properly hot, only somewhat which made him grunt by frustration. His wrist stung from the water and soap but the pain made his stomach twitch sweetly. He almost felt like picking up the wounds but new it wouldn't be good call since they still had shows to play. When ready he stepped out from the tub and dried himself to the hoarse towel.

 

"Morning", Brad greeted him still from the bed. Rob nodded and started to find clothes from his bag. "Need for a laundry day", he noticed.

 

"Rob, what is this?", he heard the guitarist ask and turned around. He was holding the drummer's pillow which case was bloody. He felt his heart drop and tensed up. "Fucking idiot! How do you explain that!", his mind was yelling.

 

"Oh... I just hurt my hand yesterday", he muttered and got onto his clothes.

 

Brad stared at him not knowing how he should take that. It was obvious lie cause the drummer didn't even look at him. But on the other hand that was how he had been for some months. So it could be true. Maybe.

 

"Are you fine now then?", he asked. He wasn't sure should he question more or drop it.

 

"Yeah yeah... It isn't hurting or anything", the drummer answered hastily.

 

"Okay.. But please tell if you need a break. We can't...", Brad started but was interrupted by the drummer.

 

"...lose you. Yeah, so I've been told", Rob continued the sentence sighing. He didn't want to hear that speech again. It was bullshit. He knew it. He was just a drummer. And as a person just replaceable. Easily.

 

Brad frowned at the answer but shook it off and got to the shower too. When he was drying himself there was a knock at the door.

 

When he opened it Mike was standing in the corridor. He had wet hair still and smile on his face.

 

"Nice you are awake already! We thought that we could go and get some breakfast and see the city little bit before getting to the venue. Did you sleep good?", the emcee was excited for some reason.

 

"Dude...", Brad tug his wet strands and waved at the bed.

 

"Oh shoot... Man I'm sorry, I know you...", Mike said to the drummer knowing that is was issue for him, not to the guitarist.

 

"Yeah yeah yeah... Well are we going or not?", Rob answered pushing through the door past the other two. He was sick of it all. All the attention towards him. He just wanted to be left alone. After that he walked downstairs where the others were already waiting. Greeting them with a nod he sighed and stood still to wait the emcee and guitarist arrive.

 

Day went by quickly and soon they were already at the venue getting ready to play. They would start now with 'No More Sorrow' with 'Faint' being the last encore song which annoyed the hell out Rob. He was sure his wrist wouldn't like it. But no can do. Wanting to fade away he got the warm up done.

 

The show was over quickly too and rather painlessly. The wounds were mostly itching annoyingly. He was relieved that soon he could just go to sleep and not care what else would be happening. They would now sleep in the bus and again next night on hotel in the next town. The others had already headed to the bus when he was still gathering his belongings.

 

At the bus Brad decided to talk to the others when the drummer wasn't there yet. Maybe they had noticed something too.

 

"Hey guys, I have been thinking about Rob", he started getting their attention.

 

"He had hurt his hand. And then.. well he has been weird lately", the guitarist continued.

 

"Rob? Weird? Hahaha, like that would be something new", Dave snorted and rolled his eyes.

 

"That's what he said to me too. Yesterday after the show I went to get him during the blackout. I grabbed his wrist and he yelped. But he said that he had slept on it and playing made it worse", Chester told what had happened.

 

"Yeah but there was blood on his pillowcase this morning. And he hasn't been eating well. I think I haven't seen his finish his meal in ages. When he even eats. And he is really quiet", Brad played with his hair. He was more worried than he initially thought.

 

"Don't know... Maybe he is just bored or something", Joe mumbled.

 

"You don't think it is something to worry about?", Brad was annoyed.

 

"Nah.. But maybe if it continues you should talk to him?", Chester wondered.

 

"Yeah. Maybe", the guitarist mumbled and then they saw Rob getting in the bus so change of subject was smart. "So guess they don't think there is something to worry", Brad thought. It still didn't make him feel better. There was something up and he wanted to know what. But, he also felt like questioning the drummer could lead to other problems.

 

\-----


	5. It's all too much to take in

The new city was tiny bit bigger than the last one. The next one would be the biggest here. But before that they would have one free day. Rob did sleep alright, nothing really to complain. Mike had challenged him to play some X-Box yesterday and he almost forgot his thoughts. Almost. He went to bed just before the others and they didn't really question him which he was relived. So here they were. New city. And now they would have this whole damned day and night. And even next day cause the show was at evening. They brought the bags again to the hotel that they needed and Rob was so happy that he got to spend the night in his own room, alone. Dropping his bags to the floor he decided that he would do the shirt laundry today. Sure he could also take them to a professional but he didn't really want to take the risk getting recognized. He let his eyes wonder around the room and sighed loudly. Just like any other room. In any other hotel. Opening his bag he searched for the bloody shirts and tossed them to the bathroom sink. There was even some wash powder under the sink. "Weird", he thought wondering how much should he use that. Cold water splashed on the clothes when he plugged the sink. He would let them soak for a long while to get all the blood off.

 

"Robbie! We are going now!", Dave shouted through the door. Rolling his eyes he closed the bathroom door just to be sure.

 

"Yeah, will be down in a minute", he yelled back. He wanted to change his shoes but avoided to look at the mirror that was hanged on the door. He knew what the reflection would look like. Tired, depressed, sunken empty eyes and no smile. Yeah, that was him. He knew himself well enough.

 

The others were already waiting in the hotel lobby and they headed to see the city. Most likely not really anything new but they wanted to get to know all places around the world. Except Rob. He didn't really care. Actually he just wanted to get back to the room with his own thoughts. Like they would leave him alone if he would think enough.

 

"Chester no!", Mike laughed annoyed by something that caught Rob's attention. Brad saw the look on drummer's eyes and wanted to be the one to explain. Just to get some reaction out of him.

 

"Chester wanted to change the set list again. Not totally but... Yeah. Annoys Mike as you know", he smiled to the other man.

 

Rob nodded knowing that they would eventually tell him what the list would be so he wouldn't have to get in the middle of that argue. But he wondered why the guitarist was so kind to him. Like, yes they were friends but he wouldn't have to care so much. Shouldn't care. Brad was always the one to make sure Rob wasn't left behind. Which made him frustrated. Didn't he realize that was just what he wanted? To be left behind. To be left alone.

 

They circled around the city and got so see some sights. The clock was ticking on and before they even realized it was time to get some dinner before heading back to the hotel to catch some sleep. Chester chose a burger place and the rest were happy with the choice. The place looked nice and the menu wasn't ordinary. They got a table from a quiet corner and talked about the return to home.

 

"So glad to get back to States soon. This is nice country but...", Mike said.

 

"Yeah, not home", Chester nodded.

 

A lady came to take their orders and they all decided to take different ones. Except Rob. Once again he didn't feel like eating. He was hungry but the thought of food made him sick.

 

"Hey. You have to eat", Brad said to him after the waiter left. He tried to be quiet so that the rest wouldn't figure out what they were talking. He knew there had to be a reason for Rob not eating and he didn't want to embarrass him in front of the others.

 

"The fuck I don't. You're not my mother", the drummer answered his eyes blazing.

 

Brad was startled cause of the answer but decided that he wouldn't drop it there. Not that easily.

 

"No, I am not. But like your mother I care about you. A lot", he answered staring the drummer firmly.

 

Rob stared back a while and turned then his gaze to the window. He wanted to scream and flip the table over but instead he just closed himself off. No point getting crazy. It wouldn't still lead to anywhere.

 

The burgers came quickly and they ate joking around. Rob fiddled with the strings on his hoodie. He felt like crying. The feeling inside of him was so overwhelming. He couldn't even name it. Not really even describe it. It was devouring all inside of him and suffocating.

 

"Bourdie, ahoy!", Chester kicked him softly under the table. He haven't even realized that they had finished eating and were ready to go. And the guitarist was staring at him again. "Please stop that... I don't want your pity, your attention", Rob thought swallowing hard.

 

They stepped outside and Chester swung an arm over his shoulders.

 

"You know... If you feel like talking. We are here. We all are", the singer whispered smiling to him assuringly. Then he dropped his arm and walked to the others that were ahead.

 

Rob knew it. He knew he could talk. But he didn't want to. He didn't want cause he didn't know how. He was so afraid. But mostly he didn't want to bother the others. He didn't deserve all that.

 

Soon they were at the hotel and he already knew what he would be doing next. Once inside his room he went to drain the water from the sink and rinse the shirts. Then he hanged them up and went to his bag. He was shaking when he was searching the insides of his bag. Finding the book he flipped it over to find the item. The blade. It had been on his mind since morning. Now he wouldn't be so stupid to use his wrist. The scars would eventually fade but the healing process was terrible there. Instead he sat on the toilet seat and lowered his pants just enough to get the thigh visible. There. A perfect spot. No one would see them and he could still play normally. 

 

The first cut was again the hardest. It hurt a lot but then came the relief. It was like the burning sensation was also burning away his feelings. The tiny crimson pearls emerged from the wound mesmerizing him. Starting the second one he was more certain and applied little bit more pressure. The shaking was almost gone now. The sweet pain filled his thoughts when he drew few more before he was satisfied. Once again he was overwhelmed that he didn't remember this feeling. Maybe it wasn't as intense last time? With the toilet paper he made sure they weren't bleeding too much. Even though he loved to see the blood he didn't want to mess his clothes and the bed. Then he washed his hands and the blade and put it back where it belonged. Then he stripped, shut the lights and got into the bed. There, that was the feeling. Emptiness. Now he was just empty. Only the burning in his leg reminded him that he was still alive.


	6. Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass

Rob woke up to a terrible headache. Groaning he sat up and pinched the bridge of his nose. The shaking had come back too he noticed. He had slept pretty well without seeing any dreams which he was glad. As he was wondering what time it was there was a knock on the door. He jumped up and quickly put his grey sweatpants on glancing briefly on the wounds and went to see who it was.

 

"Hi... Uhm. I knocked on the door earlier when we were heading to the breakfast but you didn't answer. I guessed you were still sleeping and instead of waking you up I decided I would bring something to you", Brad stared at the other man handing him a paper cup and a paper bag. He opened the bag to see what there was finding a sandwich that was still warm. The paper cup was steaming hot and the yummy smell of coffee filled the drummer's nostrils.

 

"Oh... Well thank you", Rob managed to put an expression on his face that was similar to a smile. He tried to keep his wrist downwards and behind him so that the guitarist wouldn't see the wounds. They had scabbed nicely and it was hard for Rob to not pick them open.

 

Brad tried not to stare too much but he couldn't help it. The sixpack of the younger man was clearly visible, not in a healthy way with his rib bones sticking out too. His collarbones were looking sharp and fragile. "He is freaking skinny! When did he loose so much weight? Basically skin and bones...", he thought and gulped. He wanted to grab the drummer in his arms right then and there and yell to him that what ever he tried to convince himself it wasn't true and he isn't fine.

 

The other man noticed the stare but knowing what Brad was thinking he changed the subject before he would say something. He felt like there was some invisible string pulling him.

 

"I have a terrible headache. Sorry, not in the mood to talk. But thanks for the coffee, I will need it", he said and just like that closed the door on Brad's face. 

 

The guitarist felt beaten. There was really something up to the drummer and he would find out what it was. Sadly, he knew it would take time. Even though Rob should be able to trust him he was so closed up that getting him open up would take lots of effort. He also noticed that the drummer said: "Thanks for the coffee", and not: "Thanks for the breakfast". It made him furious but same time so sad and helpless. He wanted to help so much but he was afraid that there wouldn't be anything he could do.

 

Inside the room Rob leaned against the door biting his lip. "That was mean", he thought. But he just couldn't have stood there any longer. The look in Brad eyes was only pity and sadness. It made him crazy and angry. Sighing he sipped the coffee and got his shirt on. His mind driftausta back on the wounds that were aching and tingling. Some gauze would have been good but he didn't have any. He just needed to be careful his pants wouldn't stretch the wounds. 

 

The clock said that their rehearsals would start in few hours. Since it was possible they wanted to do the sound check today. In the meantime he would read. Escaping to the fiction world seemed like a good choice. He gave one stern look to the sandwich bag and went to pick up a book.

 

He didn't even notice the time pass by, which was exactly his goal. The headache just didn't seemed to go away. Again there was knock on the door.

 

"Ten minutes! Sound check time", it was now Mike that was yelling outside the door.

 

"Yeah!", he answered. Great habit. They didn't care that he was alone. At least most of the time. But still they notified when there was something happening. Changing his shoes and taking a coat with him he left the room to meet the others. The vans were waiting outside for them already, so punctual.

 

Soon they arrived at the venue. It was rather quiet there and only few people organizing things. Nice change to the normal hassle. No running and shouting. No crowd waiting for them. Mike went to order people around and get the stage cleaned up for them.

 

"Since the setlist has changed again we will rehearse the start. So 'Wake' would be the first and then 'Given Up'. Then 'Lying From You'. And 'Don't Stay' would be after 'No More Sorrow'", Chester handed the setlist for Rob. Apparently the others knew already all the changes. Doesn't matter. He would do his job when it was needed. He nodded and went to see is were the drums ready.

 

Chester frowned when the other man left. "Something is wrong. Brad is right, he isn't himself. He has always been the weird one but even that doesn't explain this kind of behavior."

 

The stage was basically ready except that there was shitload of cables that needed to be placed properly but the crew had plenty of time. Rob got to his drums and started to build them up. Sure there were people that could do it for him, even to the point that he didn't find anything to complain. But he didn't want to bother them. He was there so he could do it himself too and the others could do something else. 

 

Mike was laughing with Brad about something and Rob felt again that he was an outsider. It was a weird feeling. Same time he didn't want to be bothered and same time he wanted to belong. He grunted and rubbed his temples. The headache seemed just to get worse. Painkiller would be needed soon.

 

After a while plugging and unplugging, shifting stuff around and making sure everybody were where they should be all looked fine. Rob grabbed his drumsticks and nodded that he was ready when the others were. It didn't start well since Mike's keyboard had some issues and they had to start again after fixing it. Half way 'Given Up' Rob started to feel weird. His palms were sweating and he felt nauseous. He gulped trying to focus but then his vision seemed to blur. It was like someone was squeezing his heart and it felt strange. "Stop you idiot! You are imagining it. Everything is fine", he thought and pushed further. 

 

The song finished and they did some adjusting and started 'Lying From You'. Now his hands were cold and he couldn't feel them well. Frowning he bit his lip and wondered what was up. Then he couldn't breath properly and started to get really confused. Looking around him like seeking for an answer his vision blurred and he felt lightheaded. He dropped the drumsticks and backed up from his kit and started to hyperventilate. Feeling the panic arise his vision filled with black stars. He heard someone yell him but he couldn't figure out who it was or where. He wanted to scream but he couldn't form a single word. His heart was racing and he couldn't feel his arms. He felt like he didn't have any control over his body and started to fall back but was caught by someone before he collapsed. It was like his heart would explode from his chest and that someone was strangling him. "Does dying feel like this?", was the final thought before he blacked out.

 

Brad's POV

 

When we were in the middle of playing 'Given Up' I noticed there was something wrong. Rob missed some hits and when I turned to see what he was doing he looked confused. But then he got back to the rhythm and even though he looked like something was up he still didn't stop playing. I didn't turn my gaze from him anyway. I was worried. I thought that should I go and ask what was up but then again he would have just told me to drop it. Then 'Lying From You' started and he had clearly trouble breathing. And then he dropped his drumsticks and suddenly jumped up. He looked around him like asking what is up and I saw his knees starting to wobble. I yelled him but he didn't hear it. Then he started to fall but luckily my guitar technician was behind him and caught him before he hit the floor. I felt my heart jump to my throat and ran to him. He didn't react to my touch or voice. Chester had noticed it too and was quickly with us. He had fainted and started to convulse. The technician looked scared and confused holding Rob on his lap. "What the hell is happening?", Mike joined us too his voice weirdly high pitched. He was followed shortly by Joe and Dave. I was so freaking scared and I think I have never yelled that loud in my whole life when I screamed for someone to get a doctor.


	7. Set the silence free

It all went so quickly after that. Rob was laying there unconscious and the others crazy worried and not able to really think anything else than the poor drummer. When he finally opened his eyes he was so ashamed and wanted to shrink. The flood of questions hit him hard and he couldn't answer any of them. Not even really wanted. Luckily the doctor was found and he arrived shortly. 

 

"Mr. Bourdon. Glad to see you awake already. Let me check you up and will decide then what is needed", and then he did basic examination not even bothering to introduce himself.

 

Rob was holding back his tears the whole time. They all looked so worried but he was just fine. He didn't want them to look like that. To look him like that.

 

"So it seems Mr. Bourdon that you are severely dehydrated and have low blood pressure based on the examination and the information given to me. For now I am so sorry but I can't let you play tomorrow. You need good rest and IV fluids. I believe you are sleeping in a hotel? It would be possible that I come there. So we could avoid the hospital hassle", he explained to them.

 

Chester buried his face to his hands when he heard those words. "Sounds so serious"

 

"But we have a show to play tomorrow!", Rob couldn't believe his ears.

 

Brad was getting angry. "How can he be that stupid?! He needs to rest!"

 

"No Mr. Bourdon. Your health comes first. That is my order. I am afraid but the situation could be much worse and will be if you don't obey. It can possible lead to you canceling the whole tour. Or even worse, you in a coma. Now, give me the hotel address so I can arrange it all", the doctor said bluntly and stepped aside to wait for the address.

 

Rob bit his lip. "Again it is my fault".

 

"You can't cancel the show. Get someone to play instead of me", he said being sure that it would work.

 

"Who will be then with you?", Brad frowned. He was so worried that it made him sick. And he didn't want to go to the stage without the drummer.

 

"I don't need a fucking baby sitter! If he is going to put me in cannula I will be laying in bed reading or sleeping", he growled back.

 

Mike was the only was who was thinking clearly in this situation. They could certainly play one show without Rob but finding a drummer in such short notice wouldn't be easy. Most important thing was still to get Rob recover.

 

"You go with him to the hotel. I will try to sort something out with Dave and Joe", he said pointing at the still frowning guitarist and the almost panicking singer.

 

Brad nodded and lifted the drummer on his arms.

 

"... the hell! I can certainly walk!", Rob yelled his face burning red with the humiliation.

 

"Shut up! Don't give me that bullshit. Let me help you when you clearly need it", Brad was seconds away from screaming to the drummer how idiot he was.

 

Chester was startled by the reaction but followed them to the doctor and then off from the stage.

 

Mike watched them leave confused. "Maybe Brad did have a point when he said there was something going on...".

 

The drive back at the hotel was weird. Chester was quiet which isn't like him. Brad was angry which isn't like him. And Rob pouted. Which, well isn't exactly like him but not far from it either. He had still the headache and the dizziness. They had decided to take the doctor with them after he had called someone to get the IV bag and rest that he needed. At the hotel Brad carried the still pouting drummer to his room and on the bed. He was even more lighter than the guitarist initially thought and what he looked like. Then he brought a chair closer to the bed for himself. He wasn't going to leave the drummer even if he would told him to.

 

Soon the delivery came and the doctor was ready to attach poor Rob to the IV bag. And Rob was smart enough to offer his other hand. Not the one with the wounds. The doctor explained to them what was the idea and showed Brad how to take it off when it was finished so that they wouldn't have to call him. And then he gave his number saying that they should call if anything happens but most likely there shouldn't be any issues. During all of this Rob stared on his lap. He did listen. But he just wanted them all to disappear and leave him alone. Chester watched them closely on the corner of the room biting his lip. He was so worried but didn't want to say it out loud. Then the doctor left smiling and assuring that it wasn't even that uncommon.

 

"Ummm... So what would you like to do?", Chester asked awkwardly. He was so not good at this.

 

"Anything else than lay here being pitied", the drummer muttered getting Brad to roll his eyes.

 

"I am going to get him something to eat. You stay here. Then you can leave back at the venue to see do they need help, okay?", Brad nodded at Chester pushing him to the chair he was just sitting second ago. Chester smiled back. That he could do. Brad left giving a quick glance at the two. "Poor Chester is so confused and worried".

 

"What is with him and food! Always something about food, geez!", Rob thought when the guitarist closed the door.

 

He was quick even though he went to get the food from outside the hotel. He had noticed the sandwich bag at the table before he left and wondered why it wasn't fine for the drummer. Deciding between two different soups he also grabbed another sandwich and headed back to the hotel. When he got to the room door he heard soft talking inside the room. Chester was talking. Alone. He opened the door and was greeted with a sweet sight. The singer had crossed his legs and turned to face Rob. He was going through messages that they had gotten in social media from fans and reading aloud the ones that were praising the drummer. Rob was certainly listening even though he wasn't saying anything.

 

"Hey...", he smiled at the two.

 

"I... don't really know why you didn't like the sandwich I brought earlier but I took different one now. And some chicken soup", he brought the foods closer to the bed and watched carefully Rob's expressions. The drummer went into a weird state instantly. Like he was forced to do something nasty. It was food after all, not like cleaning up the sewer. But at the same time he looked like he was ashamed.

 

"I'm not hungry... There is the IV anyway", he said quietly.

 

"Rob. That isn't food. It has some electrolytes, that's all", Brad answered calmly.

 

Rob didn't want this. Now they were staring at him again really worried. Like he was sick. He had only fainted, for fuck's sake.

 

"Please?", Brad pleaded. He didn't want to get angry. Not yet. Soon he would have to but he would try once again the softer approach that hadn't helped before.

 

"I will... I think I will leave to see if they need help. You two are fine, right?", Chester didn't feel comfortable at all. There was this weird tension between the two that was also pushing him away.

 

"Thank you", Rob said smiling shyly before the singer left.

 

"Back to the issue. I don't want to be that guy. But I will if I have to. So please?", the guitarist didn't want to change the subject.

 

"There is no issue...", Rob muttered scratching the cannula. He felt a tiny tear escape his eye corner but wiped it before it got away.

 

"Clearly there isn't...", Brad rolled his eyes sighing and grabbed Rob's hand so he wouldn't tear the cannula. He didn't get it. But he wanted to. He wanted to understand why it was such a big deal.

 

"Prove me then wrong, okay?", he handed the soup carton for the drummer.

 

Rob bit his lip. He hated this situation but it wasn't like he could escape either. His stomach grumbled and the soup smelled delicious. But when he thought about eating he wanted to puke. But then he glanced at the guitarist and saw his eyes were wet. He was tearing up. Cause of him. At least that he believed it to be. So he decided that he could try.

 

"Okay, I'll taste", he nodded and took the carton and spoon from the other man and was greeted with so beautiful joyful smile that he couldn't believe such small thing would cause it. The guitarist was also discreet enough and stood up to look out from the window and not stare at the other man when he was trying to eat. Trying got soon to eating and before Rob even noticed he had eaten most of the soup. And he felt fine. No nausea, no weird sensation. Just normal.

 

"Thank you", he placed the carton to the bedside table trying to figure out what the other man was thinking. Suddenly Brad's phone rang.

 

"Yup, what's up? Oh... Okay, well if that is the plan.. Yeah yeah of course. Don't know but.. I think he could be fine then. Sure, yeah I'll be here", he had a quick conversation.

 

"It was Mike. They had found out that Dave's bass technician plays drums. They played some songs and it seems like it could be really an option. He will now rehearse through the setlist. He also asked how are you and will you be able to play the two final shows here. And I said that I really don't know but you should be", he then explained for the drummer.

 

"And then you said you'll be here. Which you don't. Cause I am fine and not really going anywhere", Rob sighed.

 

"I know. But... You know when I was just a little boy and sick so that I had to stay in bed. My mum always said that being sick is also state of mind. As long as you get your mood up you get also physically better. So, she spend hours with me. Even though she had to make dinner and clean the house and all that she would rather be with me. We played some board games or watched movies. Pretty much anything. Most things I could have done by myself too, but she wanted to keep me company. And I think it did help. To not be alone. So let's try that okay?", Brad sat back to the chair next to Rob's bed.

 

Rob grunted but didn't really want to be rude either. And it wasn't like he could force the other man out off the room.

 

"Or you get sick of me and then.. well, get sick too", the drummer muttered.

 

"No. I could never get sick of you", Brad smiled stroking softly the drummer's arm.

 

Time went by quickly and soon there was a knock on the door which was so familiar sound for Rob. Brad went to open it. The other's had finished the rehearsals with the subsitute drummer.

 

"Any better?", Dave asked directing his words mostly to the guitarist.

 

"I think he is. Right Robbie?", Brad answered making sure to use the nickname that annoyed Rob so much.

 

"Yeah. I still think I could play tomorrow", he groaned frustrated.

 

"No. The doctor said no, you heard him. And we are not discussing it anymore", Brad shook his head crossing his arms on his chest.

 

Mike laughed at the pouting drummer and the serious guitarist. Luckily the situation wasn't worse. One show.. Well the fans would be upset that Rob wouldn't be there but better than to cancel it all. Chester soon joined the laughter.

 

"It is getting late already", Joe yawned poking the emcee.

 

"Oh! I'll fetch my bag from my room and we can watch some TV maybe then?", Brad asked from the drummer.

 

"Fine for m... Wait, what? You don't mean you are sleeping here?", Rob's eyes widened. It was too much. He couldn't escape and now... 

 

"Of course I am", Brad rolled his eyes and laughed like the drummer had just told a joke and stepped out with the others.

 

"Great", Rob sighed.


	8. 'Cause beyond every bend is a long blinding end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny bit rollercoaster here... Hope you like it!

The room was totally dark when Rob opened his eyes. He had suddenly a horrible feeling that he can't breath. And even though he had his eyes open he couldn't see anything. Feeling the panic arise he gasped for air and clawed his throat. Feeling something on his hand he ripped it off and tried to yell. No sound came out. It was like someone was sitting on his chest. His throat was on fire and tears streamed down his cheeks. He tried to kick but it didn't help anything.

 

Brad woke up to a weird sound. He rubbed his eyes and looked around him. The stand where the IV bag was has fallen down apparently, gleaming in a tiny beam that came between the blinds. "Rob!", was his instant thought and he jumped up to look closer. The room was so dark that he couldn't really see and turned on the light on the bedside table. The drummer had clawed bleeding marks on his neck and was staring to the ceiling face red. He was gasping for air and tears were falling down on his eyes.

 

"Rob!! Wake up! Look at me!", he cupped Rob's cheeks.

 

"Br..ad... I... ca..can't bre...", the drummer managed to say.

 

"Hey! You need to focus to the breathing. Please! In.... And out...", Brad squeezed him harder and tried to help him. Soon the drummer got out from the state he was and turned his panicking gaze to Brad following the instructions of breathing. Slowly his breathing got steadier and calmer. He whimpered still frightened.

 

"It's fine. I am here. Calm down", Brad stroked his cheek softly feeling a squeeze on his stomach. Then he noticed the cannula gone and blood trickling from the vein. "Shit", he thought and quickly got off from his shirt and wrapped it around the hand to stop the bleeding. "I shouldn't have fallen in sleep! Stupid stupid! The IV bag had been empty for hours and now he is bleeding and... fuck!", he beat himself mentally. Rob was staring at him sobbing almost silently.

 

"Move. I'm coming there", Brad sighed still angry at himself.

 

"No! You don't ne...", the drummer tried to object but the other man didn't want to hear it. He got beside the drummer and got the blanket over them grabbing then back the hand to make sure the bleeding would stop.

 

"And why the heck are you sleeping with jeans on?", Brad frowned receiving only a shy shrug from the other man.

 

Rob didn't know where to look. The guitarist was way too close to him and he wasn't comfortable. And he was holding his hand still. It wasn't that he didn't like to be close to someone but he was fearing that he would say or do something to reveal his inner self. And the wounds too.

 

"Are you any better?", the guitarist asked just inches away from him. He nodded swallowing hard.

 

"Good. I have no idea what that was but we have to make sure it doesn't happen again. I was so afraid that you were choking or something.. And the marks on your neck", Brad shook his head sadly. He wasn't going to let the other man out of his sight now.

 

"That it felt like", Rob whispered.

 

"But... Can you let go of my hand?", he asked then more like mumbling the words out.

 

"If the bleeding has stopped", the curly haired man answered opening slowly the shirt to look at the hand. It had stopped and only real sign of it was the bloody shirt. He let go of the hand and had a weird feeling. Like he didn't want to let go of it.

 

"We should get back to sleep", he whispered staring at the drummer who's eyes were glimmering in the yellow light from the small lamp.

 

"We should. But you can go already. I'm fine", Rob answered trying to smile a little not really succeeding. There was weird tension and he felt like the guitarist was staring straight into his soul. Which made him panic in his mind.

 

"It would only wake up Joe. Besides I'm not leaving you", Brad said feeling his throat suddenly like sand paper.

 

"You should. Like I said I am fine now", the drummer made a little squeaky sound. He couldn't really think anything else than how close the other man was.

 

"It doesn't feel like it", Brad licked his lips.

 

"Feel what?, Rob was thinking he was losing his mind. This was getting somehow heated and he didn't understand why.

 

"That you are fine", the guitarist whispered.

 

"But I am. Go", the other man answered his voice disappearing in to the air that felt thick.

 

"No", Brad said. He didn't want to. It was like there was a string pulling him towards the drummer.

 

"Please", Rob said but his mind was adding there "don't go".

 

"No... I don't want to go", Brad whispered.

 

"Why?", Rob gulped.

 

"I don't know. I don't want to leave you alone", the other man inhaled. Rob gasped and bit his lip. "What the hell is going on!"

 

"Go", the drummer whispered. "Stay", he thought.

 

"I won't", Brad whispered back. His heart was beating so fast.

 

"Please, Brad", Rob tried one last time feeling tear escape his eye. The confusion was getting too much for him to bear.

 

"No...", Brad said and pulled him suddenly closer and pressing their lips together. 

 

The drummer quivered and Brad was so afraid to move. But when the other man parted his lips slightly and didn't pull away he ran his hand along his silky hair and tugged to get him even closer. Rob whimpered and let the guitarist run his tongue across his lips and push it between them. Brad tasted like cotton candy and he felt his cheeks get red. The guitarist continued with his tongue making sure he was tasting all of Rob not wanting to stop. He let his teeth carefully graze the lower lip of the drummer feeling Rob's hand on his unshaven cheek. He swallowed the moan that almost escaped and pulled away feeling out of breath. Rob was breathing heavily too looking confused. But Brad saw also a sparkle in his eyes which wasn't there before and it made him think that maybe it wasn't as huge mistake as it felt like.

 

"I... think.... maybe we could try to get some sleep", his voice was barely a whisper. Rob nodded not knowing what else to say. 

 

Brad leaned to the lamp to turn it off and adjusted the blanket. Then he stopped to think for a second but brushed all sad thoughts aside and pulled the drummer on his arms. Rob inhaled and lowered his head nestling it on the guitarist's neck. His lips turned to a smile before he fell to a calm sleep but that Brad didn't see.

 

\------

 

When Brad woke up next day he initially thought that he had only had a dream. A weird one. But then he saw the bloody shirt and his cheeks flushed red. "Shit. I really did kiss him. That will be awkward", he thought shaking his head. Rob wasn't no where to be seen to he guessed that he had scared him which made him feel bad. He got up and got another shirt on before heading to see where the others where.

 

"We were just going to wake you up! Slept well?", he met Joe across the hallway.

 

"Yeah.. Umm.. Where are the others?", he blushed again but turned his head to hide it.

 

"Breakfast. You know how they get if they don't get proper breakfast", Joe nodded. 

 

When they got to the lounge area the others were sitting on a huge couch enjoying their breakfast's. Brad instantly sought the drummer amongst the others and was first relieved but then got anxious. "At least Rob hadn't run away". He went to get something to eat and got then back to the others. Sitting down he placed his coffee on the table.

 

"Hi", he mumbled to all of them but waiting more Rob's reaction. Rob nodded slightly back and got back to looking at his phone then frowning slightly. Brad bit his lip. "Idiot. This was exactly where you knew it would get. Where it shouldn't get". He decided he would talk to him later and apologize stepping over the line. "But the fucking line tripped me over...", he thought.

 

When the guitarist joined them Rob tried to concentrate in his phone but then he noticed he held it upside down. When he woke up his first reaction was to escape even though he couldn't stop smirking. He changed his clothes quietly and went to look for the others. Luckily Mike was already up and opened the door to his room. He had explained that Brad was still sleeping and he didn't want to wake him up. Well it was true. But the reason behind it wasn't something he wanted to tell. Then they got down to eat. And first time in ages he ate breakfast. Like not two bites from sandwich but a whole one. The warm fuzzy feeling inside of him didn't want to go away, he just couldn't help it. And now he was lucky he didn't have to play today. It would have been so awkward. He needed some time to think. Even though he really didn't know what to think.

 

"We are leaving again after the show today and sleeping on the bus. As long as it is fine for Rob's doctor", Mike dropped then.

 

"Oh shit...", Rob felt something got stuck in his throat but he nodded anyway.

 

"I don't think sleeping in bus sleeping is any different than sleeping in a hotel room", he mumbled.

 

"Except that you're not in a different room. Just in next bunk", Brad thought keeping his eyes on the coffee.

 

"Yeah. Well, we are heading to the venue in some hours to get the sound check done with the substitute. You should probably get some sleep during that so you're ready tomorrow", Mike smiled to him. The drummer shrugged back.

 

\------

 

Again the time flew and soon the show was over. The substitute drummer was decent even though he had made some mistakes. Chester was sure the crowd had been furious when Mike announced that Rob was sick and couldn't play that particular show. Now they were packing up the bus again ready for the two big shows that were last ones in this country. Thinking about home made Rob smile. Many shows to play still but at least the country was his own. Chester had already sat in front of the X Box making Joe joke about his addiction. Even though Joe had the same to his laptop. 

 

Mike was talking to the driver when Rob carried his bag to his bunk. He glanced to see where the guitarist was and almost stumbled upon him turning around. Brad made a quick smile and felt like it would be good decision to get out of the way. The drummer was looking him with confused look which Brad interpreted wrong. He left the drummer alone who frowned. "What did I do wrong?", Rob was thinking. Shaking the feeling away he threw some items again to his bunk and pushed the bag on its place once again.

 

Soon they had all gotten to their favorite places inside the bus and the drive started. Rob relaxed next to Joe on the couch with his book and Coke.

 

"Well fuck you too! You didn't win!", Chester laughed.

 

"But I did! See you have eleven points there and I have thirteen. I think the highest points count", Dave said.

 

"Na-ah! It should but you cheated. Which basically would make you lose all your points but since I am feeling generous you lose only 5 points. So there, I won", the pointed with his finger.

 

"Bullllshit! You're just a sore loser, Chazzie", Mike snorted hearing the conversation.

 

"Am not!", Chester threw his empty Coke can at the emcee hitting his head.

 

"Ow! That will leave a mark!, the emcee pouted even though it really didn't hurt him.

 

"You have such thick skull that I...", the singer started but was interrupted by the emcee who jumped on him crashing them on the floor.

 

Joe rolled his eyes annoyed which made Dave laugh even more. Rob snorted smiling and jumped over the two grown man play fighting at the bus floor and got to grab another coke. When he closed the fridge door he bumped almost into the guitarist again. Feeling his cheeks burn he cleared his throat.

 

"Uhm.. Hi", the guitarist started first.

 

"I think we need to talk", he got then closer so that the others wouldn't hear making Rob gasp for air.

 

"Oh? Okay?", Rob answered feeling nervous.

 

"About the kiss, you know...", Brad leaned on the fridge door blocking the drummer's way. Rob just settled for a nod and tried to calm his racing heart.

 

"I'm sorry. I... don't even know what it was. But I shouldn't have crossed the line. It was a mistake and I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable", the guitarist talked quietly. Rob's heart dropped and his mind screamed for all kind of objections. But he just lowered his gaze sighing barely audibly.

 

"Yeah...", he muttered biting his lip almost hard enough to make it bleed.

 

"So please accept my apology", Brad swallowed. "I don't want this, I don't want this...", his mind was yelling. He didn't want to say those words but it would be so much worse to lose Rob as a friend. He had messed up and since he couldn't turn back time apologize would be the least thing he could do.

 

Rob nodded fighting the tears back. It was like a carpet was pulled underneath him and he didn't even understand why it felt like that. "Maybe it was a game for him. Or I just interpreted it wrong", he thought. Brad squeezed his shoulder quickly and left to get back to the others.

 

Rob stayed there long time swallowing the tears and the disappointment. He felt sick but couldn't see why. He thought that he had been at the rock bottom but maybe this was it. His mind was again filled with the familiar dark clouds and the same void inside him was getting angry.


	9. Sharp edges have consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Thank you for reading and dropping a kudos. Means a world to me :) Sorry for the references here, couldn't help it, lolol :D Enjoy!

It had been fifteen days since Rob had last spoken to Brad properly. After the talk he had been trying to avoid the guitarist. It was rather easy since it seemed like the guitarist did exactly the same. After the two final shows they came back to US and had some days without concerts. Which, basically didn't mean a holiday. They still had plenty of stuff to do as a band but they did have also some alone time. Now Rob was standing outside their tour bus waiting for his nerves to calm. Twenty something hours to go. Something had happened and somehow the flight had changed to a bus drive. Lucky their driver was a nice human being and they could ask for a stop when ever they wanted. That just didn't change the fact that he couldn't escape. They were stuffed like sardines in a tin can. And his mind was like whirlwind of feelings and thoughts.

 

"Dude! Come on! You know we won't eat you", Joe jumped out the bus and came to push him inside. 

 

"Good idea. It must have looked stupid when I just stood there alone", the drummer thought. He inhaled heavily walking to his bunk and doing the things he always did first. Always the same. It was so tedious. Wasn't like he really needed any action but he was so fed up with the routines. He was alone even though he was never alone. The scratched his hip absentmindedly. New wounds were itchy but he loved when the scabs tore up and the raw flesh reappeared.

 

"Hi! Ready for the tour?", Mike passed him smiling. Sure he was smiling. He was always smiling. Rob tried to smile. Like really feel it. But it didn't really work. He couldn't find anything to smile about. Smiling wasn't really his thing anyway so no one noticed if he wouldn't smile. 

 

The driver sat down and glanced over his shoulder and started the engine. "And that's the sound what I have been fearing", he thought sighing and sat down. Chester looked at him frowning but he didn't see it. After the tour overseas he had gotten back to his bad habit of not eating. Well he did eat, but it was more like nibble here and nibble there. Not like plate full of something the others ate. Also reason why he tried to avoid going to a dinner with them. Seeing all that food made him sick. Which was also the reason Chester was staring at him. He had lost even more weight and was like a shadow on himself.

 

"You wanna play?", Dave waved X Box controller in the air. The drummer shook his head leaning back focusing to the book. The singer took the challenge which made Joe groan and Mike laugh since they both remembered what happened last time.

 

Brad was in the kitchen area staring at Rob. He couldn't believe how bad the drummer looked. He had been skin and bones. Now he was.. well something beyond that. Sure his clothes hid most of it but not his hands and face. Brad didn't know what to do. He thought that apologizing would have been enough but maybe it wasn't. But he had to do something. Even thought he had to pretend he didn't have any feelings it shouldn't mean that he wouldn't care the drummer as a friend.

 

"Chester! What the fuck!", Dave yelled laughing and jumped almost on Rob who flinched back annoyed now. He groaned quietly and got up. There were few seats also between the kitchen and the drivers seat which he usually used when the others were being too noisy and he couldn't sleep yet either.

 

"Hey", Brad stopped him on the way. He had again the pitying face on him that Rob hated.

 

"I was making a sandwich. Want some?", he asked then. Rob shook his head and frowned. "They really are obsessed with food", he thought and sat down opening the book.

 

Brad frowned in return but didn't answer. After he had made his sandwich he sat across the drummer.

 

"What are you reading?", he asked. He was genuinely curious, but also wanted to open the discussion up.

 

"Great. Now the fucking small talk", Rob thought and turned the book so that the guitarist could read the author and title.

 

"Any good?", Brad continued getting only a shrug back. He didn't want to continue the same subject so he sat there silently finishing his sandwich. Rob felt Brad's stare burn his skin but wouldn't lift his gaze. He wasn't going to give up and the guitarist knew it.

 

"You know sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself", Brad whispered. Rob sighed and raised his head.

 

"And?", he asked. He didn't really want to have this conversation but it wasn't like he could jump out of the window either.

 

"I try but it's like there's nobody home", Brad stared him straight into his eyes not flinching.

 

"I don't... You wouldn't even understand", the drummer blurted. He didn't even meant to say that much.

 

"You don't even give me a chance", Brad's voice was now laced with sadness. The drummer frowned getting angry. It was enough that he was forced into this tin can but this.. It was too much.

 

"Then go ahead, make a song about it or something. You can't make me talk", Rob had had enough and jumped up to get somewhere. Anywhere.

 

"Rob don't.. Argh! Stop being such an idiot!", Brad grabbed him before he could leave. Then he stopped to think. He was frustrated but also realized that calling his friend an idiot wouldn't the approach that would work either.

 

"You might fool the others but not me. I can see you're not yourself. If you... if you don't get better you will end up in hospital", he mumbled. Rob stared at him not knowing how to deal with this outburst.

 

"If it's me then say it. I thought the apology was enough but... if it wasn't please tell it to me so we can figure it out", Brad continued. The drummer felt humiliated and felt the tears build up which made him even more angry.

 

"Like I said- you wouldn't even understand", he chewed his lip and pushed the guitarist trying to get away. He wasn't going to let him see him cry.

 

"You can't keep running!", Brad was feeling defeated. He wanted so much Rob to be better.

 

"Fuck you!", Rob screamed and pushed the guitarist to the floor tears streaming down his face.

 

"Stupid idiot, stop the crying right now. You aren't supposed to do that", he was thinking when he ran to his bunk leaping quickly behind the curtain.

 

Brad lay there for some time baffled when Chester came to lift him up.

 

"What was that about?", the singer asked. He had seen it but only heard the last part.

 

"Don't really know. He doesn't want to talk. Like at all. I don't know how he had gotten suddenly so much worse and I wanted to help", Brad rubbed his temples.

 

"Yeah I noticed. This lighting makes it look even worse than it was outside", Chester shook his head.

 

After driving almost eight hours straight Mike went to ask the driver to stop at a next good looking gas station. They needed to stretch their legs and eat before heading to sleep. Rob had been behind the curtain the whole time reading. Or at least trying to. All he could think was the blade and then that the others were still awake and it wouldn't be smart. He had taken some gauze with him from home just to be safe. And to keep his shirts free from blood. It had become a bad habit but on the other hand he really didn't care cause it also kept him sane.

 

"Rob. Were going to eat. Are you coming?", Mike asked through the curtain. Chester had briefed him about what had happened with the drummer and guitarist so he already guessed he wouldn't come.

 

"No. I'm fine", he answered. He certainly didn't want to be with the others now. Or see the guitarist.

 

"Fine. The driver said that he would be back in an hour so will be back then too", the emcee continued.

 

Perfect. Hour was plenty for him. He waited for the bus to go quiet and jumped then down from the bunk. Searching through his bag he found the book he needed. He peeked from the door to see they were really gone. They had parked to the furthest corner from the station. Again just to avoid the most eager fans. The other men were just walking inside the station when he looked. He went to the couch and grabbed the book with him. 

 

He knew it was stupid cause the others were so close but he didn't care as much as he maybe should. The blade was shining in the ugly light of the bus. He was longing the feeling so much it made his heart hurt. Inhaling he lifted his shirt just enough to reveal his hip bone and the last wounds. They had scabbed and the memory almost faded. Pushing the thin steel on his skin he held his breath. The familiar red pearls appeared almost instantly tainting his cream white skin and the cold steel of the blade. He lifted the blade and placed it little bit further drawing another wound. After five rather long cuts he was satisfied. His hand was bloody and the blood had also soaked the edge of his pants. "Time to clean", he thought wiping the blade to the fabric next to the bloody spot on his pants and placed it inside the book again.

 

"Rob, I brought...", Brad stepped suddenly inside the bus. Rob froze and his eyes widened with fear. This was exactly the worst case scenario he had had in his mind. And of course since he was Rob Bourdon it had come true. And the next he panicked.

 

"I... need some air", he mumbled his cheeks flushing. He tossed the book on his bed and run outside passing the baffled guitarist standing in the doorway. He ran around the bus leaving also the station to the other side.

 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck... Maybe just maybe he didn't notice anything", he thought wanting to pull his hair out. He kicked some tiny pebbles in the ground and paced like it would erase it all.

 

"What's wrong?", Brad followed him soon. He had instantly noticed that there was something up.

 

"Nothing", he whispered wanting to cry.

 

"Stop lying to me. I know you're not fine", the guitarist stepped closer the still pacing Rob.

 

"You know nothing!", Rob yelled waving his hand. He was so fed up with that.

 

"Why is you hand bloody? For fuck's sake why are you bleeding!", Brad saw the bloody hand and grabbed it searching for the source of blood. Rob gasped by the sudden invading of his private space.

 

"Brad stop!", he pulled his arm. The guitarist was still frantically searching.

 

"Not until you tell me why your hand is bloody!", Brad was furious when he didn't know why his friend was hurting. He pushed the drummer against the bus pinning him with his hips but when he saw the horrified face of the other man he froze. And then he noticed his hand was also bloody.

 

"Don't!", Rob tried but it was too late when Brad had grabbed the hem of his shirt revealing the fresh still bleeding wounds. 

 

The guitarist felt like someone had just punched him in the face. He wasn't stupid. He knew exactly how the wounds had come. And also noticed the older ones underneath. Brad raised his gaze to look at the drummer who was swallowing his tears down not so successfully. Rob felt so ashamed and uncomfortable. But also angry and frustrated.

 

"Go on. Yell at me what I failure I am. Pathetic loser, right? Can't even do this right but got caught", he exhaled pulling his lips together.

 

"Rob, god I would... Why on earth you even think I would say something like that?, Brad's heart was shattering in to millions of little pieces. He had never felt himself so powerless. He knew this wasn't totally his fault but he should have known better. And now the only thought he had in his mind was that the kiss had driven Rob over the edge.

 

"I wish you would have talked to me before. I can't read your mind, but maybe even a little hint would have helped. I don't expect you to tell it all but... even like what you feel. I didn't really think that the kiss would have pushed you over the edge like that. I knew you weren't well before that but if I...", he continued.

 

"What I feel? Like, right now? I'm fucking angry! And frustrated! You still don't see it do you?", Rob's eyes were flaming. He was so mad that the guitarist was starting him still not figuring it out.

 

"See what?", Brad was confused.

 

"That was the best freaking night I had had in ages. And then you took it away from me. There. Now I said it. So please go and let me drown in my misery", the drummer wailed trying to push the guitarist away from him.

 

That wasn't at all what Brad expected. Quite the opposite. "No wonder why he had gone so fast downhill", he thought. Now he was even more confused cause this was a point he hadn't thought.

 

"Now I feel like an idiot", he mumbled backing away.

 

"Well you should", Rob snorted still angry. He wanted to punch the other man but that wasn't the way he was supposed to deal with things.

 

"Guys where the... Oh! Hey, we are leaving. Get in", Mike came to search them. They looked each other both sighing for different reasons and followed the emcee back inside.

 

"You know we still need to talk", Brad said when they got inside. Rob jumped inside his bunk and searched for something to stop the bleeding.

 

"Why? I said what I said. It doesn't change things still, right?", the drummer answered closing the curtain in front of the other man. He certainly wasn't going to sit and hear a lecture about the cutting.

 

Brad inhaled taken aback. "Right...", he thought biting his lip and hanging his head low.

 

\----


	10. I've been searching for the courage to face my enemies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already chapter 10! Wow. This chapter is kinda filler but also little lighter so I like it.

Once again in the bus. They had played few shows and now again more than ten hours to drive. And sleep in the bus. Brad has been confused ever since they had the encounter with the drummer. He didn't know should he talk with him about the cutting or not. He felt being responsible but on the other hand he knew how stubborn the drummer was. And then the kiss. It wasn't as easy after all as he had thought. Rob had said it to be his best night in ages but still he didn't know what that even meant. First he had thought to talk with Chester about it, but then he realized respecting Rob's privacy would be more important.

 

"What's up?", Mike asked noticing his frown.

 

"Nothing really. Just tired. I should go to sleep soon I think", he shook his head. Mike nodded and left him alone. He sighed and lowered his forehead to the table. "Too much drama, too much stuff to think", he thought.

 

Then he noticed the drummer who was apparently trying to escape the noise in the back. Rob froze and looked clearly annoyed that Brad was there. He frowned and turned to get back.

 

"Rob. Stop the running", the guitarist whispered. He didn't have high hopes that the drummer would listen but he could at least try.

 

"I'm not running. I just want to be alone", Rob sighed.

 

"Exactly. You're running. Swallow your pride already. Could we finally have a proper talk?", Brad tried.

 

Rob stopped to think. He didn't want it. But maybe, just maybe he needed to change the pattern how he did things.

 

"Fine. But I don't want a lecture", he sat down staring at the guitarist who's curls bounced when he leaned back surprised by the sudden change of mind.

 

"Okay, I promise", he held then his hands up.

 

They sat there quietly for a while staring at each other. Brad wished he could read minds. This would be so easy then. Or more like they wouldn't have even ended to that situation in the first place.

 

"So... Do you wanna tell me why?", he started then.

 

"Why what?", Rob frowned. He felt the lecture approaching.

 

"Why you cut. I don't.... I won't judge. I just want to understand", Brad fiddled his Coke can.

 

"I don't know. Guess it makes me feel better. The physical pain takes away the emotional. At least for a while", Rob sighed.

 

"And...was it cause of me?", the guitarist continued.

 

"No. Yes. Fuck.. Umm... I don't know. Not at first but then you said that it was mistake and... I don't really think it is your fault but that was just the way I wanted to deal with it", Rob groaned frustrated. He didn't want to talk about his feelings but now he was going to try. Only problem was that he doesn't know how cause he doesn't even know how to explain them to himself.

 

"Okay... So basically the mistake was that I said it was a mistake?", Brad bit his lip.

 

"Yeah", the drummer nodded dropping his gaze.

 

"So... Does that mean you have feelings for me?", the guitarist dared to ask. He was so afraid of the answer but he knew he had to ask.

 

"I.... don't know. It just felt so nice. Like I was being wrapped into giant cotton ball. Safe and comfortable", he smiled to the memory.

 

"But... I think I have to return the question", he continued after a while. It was the guitarist after all who kissed him, not other way around.

 

Brad felt his cheeks flush. Wasn't really what he expected. Now he just had to be honest.

 

"Maybe. I don't know. I just couldn't help it. I just followed my instincts, it felt like good thing to do. Would it.... would it be bad if I say yes?", he whispered looking straight into Rob's eyes. He was afraid but same time he wanted to see the reaction it could cause.

 

"No", Rob gulped feeling the air get thick to breathe.

 

Brad smiled shyly and dropped his gaze. "It could totally be worse".

 

"But... What now?", the drummer croaked.

 

"Maybe we don't need to think about it. Just see what comes?, Brad suggested smiling.

 

"But I have to ask one more thing. You have lost a horrible amount of weight. I'm really worried", he continued sighing. This could anger the drummer a lot.

 

Rob hung his head low. He didn't want to be burden but couldn't really help it either.

 

"I know. I'm sorry. I try but food makes me nauseated so often", he shook his head.

 

"It's okay. We'll figure it out", Brad brushed Rob's hand softly making him flinch. Rob was surprised that the guitarist wasn't angry at him. He was also scared. The guitarist knew now basically all about him which made him totally bare and vulnerable.

 

\-----

 

Later that night Rob couldn't sleep. The others had gone to bed long time ago but he just couldn't stop thinking. He tried to read but soon he noticed his eyes just ran through the words not really reading them.

 

"Rob, are you sleeping?", he heard then a quiet whisper. It was Brad obviously.

 

"No, can't sleep", he opened the curtain meeting the curly haired man and his shy stare.

 

"Could I... come there too?", he said.

 

"Oh... Well okay", Rob blushed. He hadn't really had time to get used to this new thing.

 

Brad climbed into the bunk diving under the blanket. The bunk was small but Rob was so tiny nowadays that it wasn't even uncomfortable.

 

"What were you thinking if you can't sleep?", the guitarist continued with the whispering.

 

"Well.. This. I don't know what to think about it all", Rob muttered. He was really confused.

 

"You think way too much", Brad smiled stroking Rob's cheek. He could barely see in the dark but he certainly could feel.

 

"Rob... I saw the wounds. But... I also saw that there were scars. Is that the only place you... cut or?", Brad sighed. He wanted to figure it all out once. And since the drummer had opened up earlier he thought that maybe his good luck would continue.

 

"No... I have old ones from high school era and then the first ones when I started again on my wrist", Rob sighed sadly.

 

"Can I feel them?", Brad asked carefully. He wanted to try it all to understand the drummer.

 

Rob gulped and lifted his sleeve. Brad traced his finger softly over every single scar. The whole time the drummer tried to hold his breath. Then he just couldn't anymore and felt the tears slowly roll down his cheeks.

 

"Hey... Stop the thinking", Brad smiled feeling the tension and lifted the wrist to his lips and kissed the scars softly.

 

"I promise it will all be in history some day, okay? I will help you", he whispered looking at the sobbing drummer. Rob was ashamed. He hated that others saw his tears.

 

"I'm scared", he whispered barely audibly. And now all of his cards were revealed.

 

"No one will tell you that it is wrong. It's a normal humane feeling. But I will be there for you", Brad pulled him closer.

 

"And now I will ask cause I am afraid that it is too soon and I don't want to mess up again. Can I kiss you? I so badly want to but I understand if you say no", the guitarist breathed out.

 

Rob gasped. He was feeling so overwhelmed but he knew he could trust the guitarist.

 

"Okay", his voice was now raspy.

 

Brad closed the gap between them smiling and placed his lips softly on the drummer's. He could taste the salty tears still. Rob held his breath again which made Brad giggle and pull him harder against him. He parted his lips slowly pushing his tongue inside Rob's mouth teasing and rubbing it against his. Carefully he traced his hand under the drummer's shirt making him shiver. He could feel the ribs so easily but he didn't want to think it now. The skin of the drummer was so soft and smooth that it made him smile by excitement. Trying to avoid the wounded area he let his hand travel to Rob's muscular chest and bit his lower lip same time. The drummer gasped and trembled when Brad's fingers passed his nipple.

 

"This feels so nice", he thought when the guitarist continued to nibble his lower lip. 

 

Soft moan escaped his mouth which made Brad smile. He felt like he was doing something right. Just a while of Rob not having dark thoughts was worth everything.

 

"Hey... Maybe we should get to sleeping...", he breathed out eventually. It was starting to get heated and he was unsure would it be good idea this soon.

 

"I... think I could try it again now", Rob blushed.

 

Brad pulled him on his chest letting him get comfortable kissing his silky hair.

 

"Good night. Wake me up if you feel like it, okay?", he whispered. He felt so privileged and wanted to do everything right. Where ever this was even going to, it didn't matter.

 

"Night Brad", the drummer yawned letting his lips curl to a smile. Second time he was in this situation and maybe it wasn't the last time either.

 

\-----


	11. All you've ever wanted, the truth I couldn't speak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had had a really shitty day today. So shitty that I can't do more than to laugh anymore. So pardon me it is rather boring chapter, lol.

Next morning they woke up when the bus had already stopped and the others were moving around the bus.

 

"Guess we should have thought a tiny bit further", Brad snorted smiling at the mortified drummer.

 

"But you stop the thinking. Let me handle it", he kissed Rob's nose tip brushing his cheek with his thumb.

 

"Brad? He isn't in his bunk. We didn't stop at night, right?", Mike's voice said.

 

"I'm here", Brad answered instantly knowing that they would find them eventually.

 

"Oh okay. Wait, where's Rob then?", Mike continued.

 

"I'm here too", Rob's tiny voice said after a while. "It wasn't like we are naked or something", he tried to rationalize in his mind.

 

Joe opened the curtain suddenly staring at them confused.

 

"How the hell to you two even fit in there? And why?", Mike's eyebrows raised by the confusion.

 

"He had a nightmare. And then I just fell asleep here", the guitarist climbed out from the bed shrugging. Which was enough for Mike but not for Joe. He didn't say anything but he felt like there was something up.

 

"Okay... Well anyway as you know we will be sleeping in the hotel next night and doing the soundcheck today as we are used to. So if Rob is fine we should head at the breakfast", the emcee got his shoes on.

 

"Yeah, I'm fine", Rob mumbled trying not to blush too much and crawled out from the bed.

 

"You sure? Not feeling like canceling a show but you know we will do it if we have to", Mike squeezed his shoulder. He wanted to be sure that the drummer was fine.

 

Rob nodded trying to smile a little. He was still unsure what the others thought about them sleeping in same bed.

 

That was enough for Mike cause he knew that Brad would also tell to Chester if there was something up and he would hear it after that. They grabbed stuff they might be needing and got out from the bus. Chester had already went inside the hotel to get their keys and Dave waited them outside. It was freezing so they headed inside quickly.

 

"Oh shit, not again!", Chester said at the counter banging his head on it. They gathered around him question visible in their faces.

 

"They messed up. Again. I'm sorry Rob", he cringed handing keys to Joe and Brad and not for Rob.

 

"I don't think he will mind. They slept in the same bed last night", Joe mumbled rolling his eyes walking to the elevators.

 

"Oh really!", Dave asked before Chester got chance to speak making Rob blush.

 

"He had a nightmare. No big deal", Brad said cursing Joe. He really didn't have to be so salty.

 

"Hope you don't mind", Chester apologized again getting a shrug back from Rob.

 

They filled up the elevator with light bubbling talk and laughter and Chester pushed the button of their floor. After getting out from it in their floor they started to search their rooms the singer first with the emcee and Brad last with the drummer. Brad walked intentionally slowly to let some gap come between them two and the rest.

 

"You know you have been blushing a lot lately. I like it", he whispered suddenly to the drummer's ear who of course flushed furiously. Rob felt his lips tug to a smile anyway, even though he thought it was annoying from Brad to remind him about the blushing. 

 

Finally they found their rooms. Brad and Rob's room was opposite from Dave's and Joe's. Chester and Mike had a room that was next then to theirs. The guitarist pushed the keyboard to the door and opened it gazing around the room. It was nice and clean. Not huge but that would just be waste of money. And two separate beds, which he wished were one. Mike glanced over Brad's shoulder.

 

"Just like our room", he said and left back to his.

 

Brad snorted and closed the door pushing Rob instantly against it. He had wanted to do that ever since he head they would be having a same room.

 

"Except this room will be much more fun", he grinned crashing his lips on Rob's.

 

"Brad!", the drummer tried to push him off of him blushing again fiercely.

 

"They are just outside the door", he mumbled.

 

"Well they won't hear us if you don't shout my name so loudly", Brad rolled his eyes. Rob knew what he meant, but his mind was traveling further which made his face go even more pink.

 

"Aawwww!", the guitarist smiled leaning back to nibble his earlobe when there was a knock on the door.

 

"Guys, the breakfast", it was Mike.

 

Rob tried to calm his red face which made the guitarist giggle.

 

"You have to stop teasing me", the drummer smiled.

 

"But I don't want to!", Brad pouted.

 

"No other choice. Cause otherwise they will find out and what were gonna tell them when we don't know even what this is", Rob grabbed his hand.

 

"Guess your right. Which is boring", the guitarist rolled his eyes sighing. They opened the door joining the others and headed again to the elevator. Downstairs they got first some coffee and went then back to fill the plates.

 

"But I will totally do it inside the room", Brad suddenly continued the subject making Rob snort and roll his eyes.

 

"Do what?", unfortunately Joe had heard it. His voice was sharp which Brad picked up instantly.

 

"Huh? Oh, nothing", the guitarist mumbled getting an annoyed frown from the deejay. He frowned back at him signing him to back off. "The fuck is his problem", he was thinking.

 

Rob sat down beside the guitarist and stared at his plate. He had taken some nice looking waffles but he didn't know could he eat. Then Brad squeezed his leg quickly. He raised his gaze and noticed a slight reassuring smile on his face behind the coffee mug. Nodding he got back to staring the plate. "At least I am really hungry", he thought cutting a piece from the warm waffle.

 

Across the table Joe watched them closely. He still had this feeling something was up and it was only getting stronger. And he didn't like it, at all.

 

"We should be heading to the venue soon. They are getting ready for us", Mike said ending a phone call. Rob turned to look at his plate finding it empty which made him feel happy and weird same time. They got up and started to walk to the lobby and then further out to the van waiting for them.

 

"I hope I am also to thank about the empty plate", Brad muttered to Rob when no one was looking. The drummer contented to bring a small smile in his face. He was liking this new feeling a lot. It made him still confused and scared but that was minor issue.

 

The sound check was done pretty easily and after they had fixed few issues they were already ready to leave. Dave wanted to meet few of his friends living in the same town and Joe complained a headache.

 

"So guess Joe is going to sleep already. Anything you would want to do? It isn't like we haven't seen this place before though", Mike asked receiving a nod from Joe.

 

"Nah, I gotta make a call to home", Chester shook his head staring at the screen of his phone.

 

"Of course you do", Mike rolled his eyes smiling.

 

"I want to read my book", Rob mumbled. That was true but he was also tired.

 

"Guess that leaves us two alone", Mike laughed directing his words to Brad.

 

"I should really go to sleep though too", he continued then which was huge relief for the guitarist who now didn't need to figure out an excuse. He just wanted to head back to the room with Rob. The drummer could read and he could watch him read. Just a perfect plan for that evening.

 

"Fine for me. As you said we have seen this place already", he said back to the emcee trying to hide his excitement.

 

Soon they were back at the hotel. Mike joked with Chester and Dave waved at them before turning on his heels.

 

Joe really had an headache but he also wanted to find out what was happening with the drummer and the guitarist. He just couldn't let it slip between his fingers. He opened his room door and said bye's to the others.

 

"I will wake you up tomorrow", Mike nodded opening their room's door.

 

"Sure, yeah", the guitarist shrugged back. They were so used to that Mike handled it all. He sometimes joked that Mike was some kind of superhuman with all kinds of superpowers. Or an alien, was Chester's add to that.

 

"I think I will go to shower", Brad yawned when they got inside.

 

"Sure", Rob nodded. He felt this little excitement sting his stomach while he kicked his shoes off and changed to his PJ pants leaving a t-shirt on with them. It was all so new and happy which weren't that familiar feelings for him. The earlier issues weren't buried yet, and he knew it which made him nervous. They were just waiting for a good time to attack again. He sighed and picked up the book he had been reading and let himself fall on the bed leaning on his elbows. Hearing the water run in the bathroom he let his brains focus on the words on the paper in front of him.

 

"I think the shower is broken", Brad came back from the bathroom. He was tugging the towel around his waist his eyes smiling.

 

"How so?", the drummer gazed at him pushing his glasses further up his nose.

 

"There's no warm water. You get only hot or cold", the guitarist shrugged.

 

"But never mind that... Can I help you with the reading?", he got closer to the bed to see what the drummer was now reading.

 

"I think I can manage", Rob rolled his eyes.

 

"Oh okay.. You're sure?", Brad jumped on the bed almost crashing to the drummer. He leaned his other hand over Rob leaning closer.

 

"You know how pretty you are like that? Concentrating to the book with the glasses on your nose", he whispered close to Rob's ear making him shiver.

 

"And you're making me blush again", Rob mumbled.

 

"Which makes you even prettier", the guitarist laughed nibbling his earlobe.

 

"This is so weird you know", Rob sighed.

 

"But I like weird too! No, but seriously does it matter? As long as you're comfortable", the curly haired man stroked his hair softly.

 

"Not really what I meant. I mean that I still haven't got used to this. What this is even", the drummer glanced at the other man.

 

"Oh I see. Well.. I can't answer to that question really. I like you. Like, a lot. And I want to be close to you. Does it really need more explaining or labeling", he stared at dark worried orbs of the other man.

 

"I know you're right but you also know that I can't stop thinking about this", Rob sighed again. It's just how he was. How he dealt with things. He needed to analyze stuff and and organize them. Then he could think more clearer.

 

"I know. I hope you can some day just let go and feel", Brad smiled kissing Rob's soft lips making the butterflies in his stomach go crazy.

 

"So which bed?", the guitarist asked breaking the kiss after a while which led Rob to stare at him confused.

 

"I'm not gonna let you sleep alone hey! Finally when we have a room together I want to sleep with you. Your bunk in the bus isn't really that comfortable", Brad continued rolling his eyes.

 

"Well I'm too lazy to get up", Rob laughed.

 

"Well I guess they are just the same", the guitarist nodded and went to find some PJ pants too.

 

Rob placed the book on a bedside table with his glasses and dug under the blanket. He wanted to stare at the now naked guitarist but tried to keep his eyes off of him.

 

"Can I come now there and scoop you on my arms?", Brad tilted his head having his famous smile on his face.

 

"I think were past asking, don't you think?", Rob rolled his eyes again smiling too.

 

"If you're sure", the guitarist turned off the lamp and got also under the blanket.

 

Now it was Brad who laid his head on Rob's chest wrapping his arm around him. Rob placed his arm around Brad's shoulders and pressed his cheek on the still wet curls of the guitarist.

 

"This is nice too", the guitarist said.

 

"Brad?", Rob then asked and the guitarist turned his head to look at the other.

 

"I feel like you're the light chasing out the darkness in me", Rob's voice was merely a whisper. This new 'opening up' thing was killing him but he figured it could maybe lead to something better than just holding it all in.

 

"That is so nice thing to say. I hope I can do that", the guitarist pulled him tighter against him. Lots of darkness to chase away but he was willing to accept the challenge.

 

Soon they were both in deep sleep holding each other.

 

\------


	12. But you were lost in the beating of the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late and weird time of updating. And sorry cause of the cliffhanger.

"Morning sunshine", Brad woke him up the next day planting a soft kiss on his nose

 

"Really? From all of the people you are calling me a sunshine?", Rob would have rolled his eyes but he didn't want to open them yet. Instead he groaned.

 

"Well not with that attitude at least", the guitarist laughed and got him in his arms.

 

"What do you wanna to today?", he mumbled at Rob's neck.

 

"Nothing. But I would have appreciated if you would have let me sleep just a little bit longer", the drummer continued with the groaning.

 

"Nooooo! Can't do that. We should wake up soon anyway and I want to cuddle with you before we go to have breakfast with the guys", Brad said kissing his neck.

 

"And your beard tickles. Whoa, that is weird by the way", Rob's eyes shot open.

 

Brad laughed and dug his hand under the drummer's shirt to feel his muscled back.

 

"You want me to shave it?", he glared at Rob.

 

"No, not really. That was just one more new thing that I just happened to think of", Rob stared down at the guitarist.

 

"Lots of new things coming up, I sense it", the other man whispered.

 

"I don't mind. Love to have the new things with you", Rob breathed and fondled the curls of the other man.

 

"That's good", Brad smiled and placed his lips now on the waiting lips of the drummer. He deepened the kiss when he felt the other man smile to his mouth. His soft tongue pushed hungrily between Rob's lips wanting to taste him more. Rob wanted also more but he was still scared to let his guard fully down. Even though the guitarist did pretty amazing job cracking it. Brad's hand traced carefully on his hip pulling him closer to him. The friction made Rob moan softly which was like angels singing to Brad's ears. But then there was a knock on on the door.

 

"The hell", Brad grunted not happy about the bad timing. 

 

He got up to open the door. Joe was standing outside. He glanced inside the room noticing Rob still in the bed and the other bed still made by the hotel cleaners which the others didn't realize.

 

"Breakfast", he said frowning and turned on his heels.

 

"He is really getting on my nerves. Like what is his issue?", Brad shook his head to the drummer closing the door.

 

Rob shrugged and got up to get dressed. He didn't really want to have any conflicts.

 

When they got outside of the room they headed straight down. The breakfast was same as it was in other places. Nothing new on that. Only how the eggs were done varied from hotel to hotel. The others were already seated and eating. Joe gave a quick glance at them but turned then his eyes away. Neither of them noticed. They were way too concentrated to each other even though they weren't even touching. More like they were trying to avoid any touching. Rob's mind was flying somewhere far away feeling happy and anxious.

 

"We should pack up the bus again after this and head then to the venue. We have few interviews before the show. And next night drive should be about seven hours and will be sleeping in the bus as you might remember", Mike filled them in.

 

Rob didn't want to say anything. They all knew how he hated sleeping in the bus but at least now he could maybe talk about it to someone. Brad watched him from the corner of his eye just to see if there was any reaction.

 

\----

 

The show went as it always went. Except that Rob enjoyed it after a long while. There was this sudden energy coming back to him and he knew he could only thank the guitarist. Who shamelessly also flirted with him on the stage. When they got off the stage Brad was almost literally on his ass. He loved it but on the other hand he felt like it was bit too risky. But then he really didn't even care. Live in the moment they say.

 

"I'm so gonna suck you off when the others are asleep", he felt the hot breath of the other man on his neck when they got inside the bus. He swallowed hard trying to think something else cause soon there wouldn't be any blood left to flush his face up.

 

"Brad really, that's way too mean", he said back to him through gritted teeth.

 

"How come?", the guitarist said quietly placing his bag on his bed.

 

Rob just shook his head smiling. Brad did know exactly why that was annoying.

 

"Anyone up for a game?", Dave asked receiving many objections which just got louder when Chester took the other controller.

 

"You two are just pain in the ass", Mike laughed and got away from the TV.

 

Rob grabbed his book again and sat on the other side of the couch away from the bassist and singer battling against each other. Mike opened his laptop and started to do some apparently important stuff. Joe was sitting on the other section closer to the driver making few calls. Brad sat beside the drummer to watch the game. It wasn't like he didn't know the result. Dave always beat Chester. Well any of them usually. That's why he didn't even bother to try cause he sucked at it. Which brought him to his previous thought again.

 

"What are you reading now?", he asked from the drummer who turned the book to show him.

 

"You know what would be more fun than reading?", he whispered careful that the others wouldn't hear.

 

"Stop it", Rob growled. Brad loved to tease the drummer and it totally worked. He chuckled making Rob punch his arm.

 

After a while Chester yelled again defeated. Mike bursted into laughter.

 

"Jeez! You're so bad at it!", he pointed at the singer holding his stomach giggling.

 

"Well fuck you Mr. Shinoda!", Chester yelled but could feel smile tug his lips. He knew he was bad at it. And a sore looser. But it was still lots of fun.

 

Brad snorted and went to get some soda from the fridge. He didn't turn his gaze of from the drummer the whole time. Rob loved the way Brad looked at him. Especially when he smiled and there was this mischievous glint in his eyes like just right now. It made him smile but also his heart beat faster. How could it be that he had never seen that before so clearly like now?

 

"I'm off to bed. Couldn't really be more tired", Dave yawned.

 

"Don't know but this day was so freaking boring that it must be the reason why I am also so tired", Mike nodded.

 

Soon they were all heading to their bunks speaking about one particular upcoming show that they all waited for. Brad decided he would wait on the couch and pretended he was interested in something on his phone. He winked his eye for the drummer who was climbing in his bed an shaking his head with a smirk. Joe watched them like a hawk and of course happened to see that. "What the hell is going on?", he thought getting pissed off.

 

Soon they were all sound asleep except the waiting guitarist and the still reading drummer. He didn't really think that Brad would execute his plan cause it was so risky so he was taken aback when the curtain moved slowly and Brad's sparkling eyes appeared.

 

"I didn't wake you up, right?", the guitarist asked.

 

"No", Rob smiled.

 

"Can I come there?", Brad whispered.

 

"What did I say yesterday?", Rob rolled his eyes. Brad loved when the drummer did that. He snorted and climbed quietly to the bed. Sure the others were sleeping and some of them snoring but he didn't really know how little would be enough to wake them up.

 

"Hi", he said kissing the drummer.

 

"Hi", Rob answered smiling.

 

"What's up?", he continued.

 

"Nothing much. Yet", the guitarist answered pulling his lips to a devilish grin.

 

"I think that's a bad idea", Rob said blushing.

 

"I think it's a good idea", Brad breathed into his ear making shivers run along his spine. Then he let his hand travel into the loose boxers of the drummer.

 

"Brad!", Rob yelped tiny bit louder than he should have when he felt the guitarist's hand around his member.

 

Brad didn't want to wait. Not cause he wanted to rush it, but cause he was so anxious to taste the drummer in his mouth. And the position he was in was super uncomfortable. So he pulled Rob's boxers down and after quick glance he dived right in. The drummer wasn't fully hard but it wasn't time to proceed slowly. Rob gasped when he felt Brad's wet mouth on his cock. 

 

"This is really really bad idea. It will be so difficult to keep it down", he whispered and glanced down.

 

Brad stared straight back into his eyes. They had again the wonderful sparkle in them that Rob loved. Brad wanted to smile but obviously couldn't. The view was so naughty that Rob wanted to cum right away. He couldn't believe that they were really doing this. It wasn't like he hadn't received a blow job before but from his bandmate that is also one of his best friends and a male... Totally another thing. His breathing grew already heavier.

 

Same time Brad thought how beautiful the drummer was eyes filled with anticipation and lust. He was rock hard now, as was the drummer, but all he cared was to make the other man cum. Plunging his mouth further he felt Rob's back arch with pleasure. He was trembling under him trying not to moan. Brad traced his hands on the drummer's hips trying to keep them on place while he started to drag his tongue over the entire length of Rob. Then he buried it all in his mouth making the drummer whimper. 

 

The lovely wet friction was slowly pulling him over the edge. The guitarist quickened the pace when Rob's fingers reached into his curls tugging softly. Brad's warm mouth was driving him crazy. Then Brad pushed all the way down and Rob felt the tip of his cock brush the back of Brad's throat. That was the final pull and the drummer released himself into Brad's mouth with a deep moan. Brad swallowed every last drop watching the drummer's reaction.

 

"I told you it was a good idea", he smiled pulling himself on top of the drummer kissing his neck.

 

Rob tried to calm his racing heart. His eyes were glistening with joy and satisfaction which made the guitarist's grin grow wider.

 

"I still think it was bad idea. But I loved it anyway", Rob whispered leaning to kiss the guitarist. The salty taste on his lips made Rob groan again.

 

"I love when you do that", Brad bit his lower lip softly cupping his cheek.

 

"I have to get out from this bunk though. My legs are killing me. I'll get back when I have stretched, okay?", Brad winked his eye.

 

"I will grab something to drink too", the drummer nodded waiting for the other man climb out first. 

 

Pulling his boxers back up he also leaped out from the bunk. Once out he couldn't help but to blush. The others were still sleeping but they were so close to them. He walked to the fridge watching Brad stretching.

 

"What ever it is what you're doing you have to stop it. Right now", Joe's grim voice startled him nod he almost dropped the soda can he had just grabbed.

 

Brad came right to them when he heard Joe. The deejay was sitting down and staring at them.

 

"What?", Brad gulped.

 

"Don't care. Just stop it", Joe spat out standing up challenging the guitarist.

 

"What the fuck Joe! Look, does this seem like it is some fooling around?", Brad said pulling the sleeve of the reluctant drummer up revealing his scars.

 

"Brad! Stop it!", the hurt in Rob's eyes was so piercing that it shut Brad up. Rob pulled his arm from his grip and stepped back. He was trying to swallow the tears.

 

Joe was confused but only thing he could do was to stare.

 

"Rob I'm so...", Brad tried to touch the drummer but received only a shove.

 

"Don't you fucking dare. I thought I made myself clear when I told it all", Rob croaked feeling the tears burn his cheeks.

 

Next thing they noticed he had ran to the driver and asked him to pull over and before the bus could have even stop fully he was gone. Brad stood there staring after the drummer and turned then around.

 

"Are you happy now?", he said to Joe his angry voice laced with despise.

 

\-----


	13. In my carelessness I left you in the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This could have been the last chapter easily with that kind of end buuuut I am not quite ready with them yet. Lol. Enjoy :)

"What happened and why are we standing still?", Chester crawled our from his bed rubbing his sleepy eyes. He had waken up to some yelling but now it was quiet.

 

Brad was fuming. Not only for Joe but also for himself. He grabbed a hoodie quickly from his bed and put his shoes on.

 

"Brad I...", the deejay grabbed his hand when he was heading out.

 

"Don't you fucking dare!", he pulled his hand free and pushed the man on the floor.

 

Joe looked like he was regretting his intervention but the guitarist didn't care. Only thing he cared now was Rob and making it all right again. How could he have been so fucking stupid?, he thought.

 

Chester gasped behind him when he pushed himself through the bus door. He opened his mouth but the guitarist was already gone.

 

Brad's first fear was that the drummer had run under another vehicle but he spotted the man pretty soon. He was standing on the edge of a forest staring into the darkness. He rushed to him stopping just before. Scared that the drummer would be really mad he kept his hands inside his pockets even though he just wanted to pull him to a hug.

 

"Rob. I'm sorry. I didn't...", he started when the drummer spun around. His face was wet cause of the tears and his eyes flaming with anger.

 

"You didn't what? Think? I know", Rob snapped. He certainly did know that.

 

Brad lowered his gaze chewing his lip feeling tears well up his eyes.

 

"It was literally the only thing I asked. I told you I am scared. I just had started to let my guard down and to trust you. I didn't want to be let down", the drummer yelled.

 

"No Rob! You can trust me! I am so sorry that I messed up but... I was so mad at him that I didn't think it further", Brad stepped further to touch the drummer. 

 

But Rob pushed his hand away scowling. He was so pissed off and couldn't believe how this had happened.

 

"Please... I don't care about anything else than to make it right. I am sorry, I shouldn't have done it", Brad swallowed hard pulling his curls.

 

"Why you think it would matter? You know how long it takes for me to trust you again?", the drummer said.

 

"I don't care! Even if it takes thousand of years. I promise. And you know that what happened there isn't the way I normally act. You know I am here for you. Only for you. I am so lucky to have you", Brad murmured slowly reaching his hand to Rob's cheek.

 

Rob flinched but didn't back away. Lucky to have me?, he thought. He was disappointed but Brad genuinely looked remorseful. 

 

"Why?", he mumbled.

 

"Why what?", Brad tilted his head confused. He was glad that the drummer didn't back away but it was just one step forward, nothing more.

 

"Why you want me to trust you?", Rob mumbled.

 

"Cause I care about you. More than a friend should", Brad's lips curled into a sad smile.

 

And that was enough for Rob who fell on his arms crying. Now he felt so bad for yelling at the other man.

 

"Don't you ever do something that stupid again", he breathed amongst the sobs.

 

"I won't. I promise", Brad squeezed him hard so contented that the drummer believed him.

 

"That was by the way a lot of not caring from such a caring man", Rob snorted then.

 

"But what now?", he continued nervously.

 

"Really I don't even give a shit. Let's deal with Joe tomorrow. He actually looked really confused and regretful but that might not mean anything. We need to go back though", Brad kissed his cheek softly.

 

"Besides you're freezing", he noticed then that the man had only his boxers and the long sleeved shirt on.

 

Rob nodded wiping his tears and let the guitarist lead him back to the bus. He was reluctant to see what the welcome would be like inside the bus.

 

Chester was talking to the driver when they got in. Mike sat on his bunk hanging his head low from the exhaustion. Joe was flipping a pen nervously at a table and Dave was still sound asleep.

 

"Rob! Can...", Joe said when he saw them. He was ashamed and confused.

 

"No. We'll talk tomorrow", Brad said bluntly noticing the drummer bite his lip.

 

Rob climbed on his bed sighing heavily.

 

"Everything fine now?", Mike asked from them. He didn't really care what had happened, he just wanted to be sure they all were fine.

 

Brad stared at the drummer who nodded for him.

 

"Yeah. We need to talk with Joe but that's tomorrow", he then said getting in his bunk. But he was then stopped by little yelp.

 

"No", Rob pouted in his own bed. Brad snorted and shook his head.

 

"You sure?", he asked and when he got an excited nod back he climbed to Rob's bunk instead of his and closed the curtain shielding them from the questioning stares.

 

The drummer shifted giving more space to Brad who wrapped his arm around the other and pulled the blanket on them. Rob felt a sting in his hear for being so easily offended. But he tried to explain to himself that it just was one of the new things he needed to get used to. Not getting offended but trying to deal with the emotion better.

 

"What just happened?", Mike asked pointing at the closed curtain. He felt like he had missed some major thing.

 

Chester rubbed his scalp confused and Joe just contended to silence. He wanted to know the facts now before starting it all again.

 

Behind the curtain Brad had pulled Rob closer nudging his neck with his nose.

 

"You know I can still taste you?", he breathed into the drummer's ear and was sure that the gasping man was also blushing.

 

\----

 

Next morning they all wake up wondering what had happened and had it been just a weird dream. Except the bus driver who had had most fun night in months and the poor bassist who was totally oblivious. They had stopped straight at the venue and would be having the catering there. Then late night drive to the big city and two shows at same day and also two nights at a hotel.

 

"Can you do the talking?", Rob spoke low to the guitarist. They had asked Joe and Chester to talk with them. Better sooner than later.

 

"Sure. But could you please interrupt me if I say something wrong", Brad cringed. They both knew that would be hard for Rob.

 

"Tell the truth. It can't go wrong then", Rob nodded when they sat down. Mike and Dave were running errands and they decided to talk to them later.

 

Joe seemed really nervous but Chester was calmer. Confused but still calm.

 

"We need to talk about what happened last night. Well actually also what lead to that. Chester you know I was concerned before cause some certain drummer was acting weird and not eating. Then was the collapsing thingy.", the guitarist started.

 

Rob held his breath and Brad grabbed instantly his hand into his own under the table they were sitting in front of.

 

"So one night I kinda kissed him", it was Brad's turn to blush. Joe didn't budge but Chester's mouth dropped open.

 

"YOU WHAT?!", he shouted totally surprised. It wasn't anything he had imagined.

 

"And then I was an ass and thought that Rob didn't like it. And I apologized saying that it was a mistake", Brad continued ignoring the shocked singer.

 

"And later I found out that he is cutting. Was? I at least hope so", the guitarist glanced quickly at the drummer who turned his head away. No, Rob hadn't cut after Brad found out but it wasn't like he hadn't been thinking of it.

 

Chester gasped. That's... terrible, he thought. Joe just stared at them wanting to hear the rest.

 

"And we talked. And it seems like the kiss wasn't a mistake after all", Brad rubbed Rob's palm with his thumb.

 

"I also noticed that he has been eating better after I corrected my mistake", he smiled.

 

"Yesterday. I was so angry at you Joe. You didn't have any right to say that. But then I realized that since you didn't know all behind of it you just didn't react like you would otherwise. And I was an idiot. You others didn't see it but I showed Rob's scars to Joe. Which lead to Rob running away from me cause I let him down", he sighed. Saying it out loud was difficult but there it was.

 

"This is getting way over my head", Chester stared at them rubbing his temples. He was so freaking perplexed.

 

"I have to apologize. I didn't think it through when I said it", Joe muttered his eyes downcast.

 

"Same fault as Brad has", Rob sighed. He couldn't be angry anymore. It had been just a mistake. And his issues weren't going to stay buried forever anyway.

 

"So basically you have been healing him with your love", Mike was suddenly behind them. He had heard the whole thing but didn't want to interrupt.

 

"And last night was mess up but only cause you tried to protect Rob", his lips were curling up.

 

Brad looked at Rob who stared the emcee in awe. Then he turned his gaze to the guitarist smiling too. That's what it kinda feels like, Rob thought.

 

"You know, that is just too freaking cute!", Chester shrieked and started to clap his hands like a retarded seal which made them all burst to laughter.

 

"So what now?", Joe mumbled seriously making them all think about it.

 

"I have no idea. But I don't really see why we would need to decide what happens next. Our only responsibility is this band and if you aren't kicking us out we are staying. Don't think the rest will even matter", Brad said mostly to the drummer looking at him. Rob is so pretty when he has that part confused and part adoring look, he thought.

 

"That's fine for us. And no, we won't be kicking you out", Mike wrapped his arms around Brad hugging his friend.

 

"But you need to fill Dave in. I can't tell that all again", Brad laughed. His heart was beating still cause of the confession and even though he knew Rob was with him he couldn't have predicted how the others would react.

 

"That's fine. Now we need to do the soundcheck. Lots of work in that tonight", Mike nodded and groaned.

 

"And I can tease you more openly, right?", Brad smirked squeezing Rob's ass when they were heading to the stage.

 

"No!", Rob pushed him away laughing.

 

Joe stared at them flushing. There was few things he didn't even take into consideration. Chester pointed at him bursting into laughter. Most important thing was that the drummer was getting apparently better. Joe's feelings could be pushed aside for a while.

 

Brad followed Rob in to the stage still feeling slightly on the edge.

 

"Robbie. You have to know how sorry I am that I broke your trust?", he sighed.

 

"Yes, you told me that already. I don't need repeated words just actions to make it right. Besides I think something good came out of it too, don't you think?", Rob stroked his shoulder. It wasn't total catastrophy. Little drama never killed anyone, even though he hated it.

 

"Right. And you're an incredible human being you know that too?", Brad kissed the drummer's forehead receiving an sticked out tongue and a 'shut up' back.

 

\-----


	14. The sound of your voice, painted on my memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to post this. Jeez. But here we have some lovely bourdelson fluff and smut

"So are you ready for the big show?", Chester asked excited. His eyes were shining even more than usually. He loved to play in new places more than he loved to play in familiar places.

 

They were again carrying their bags to another hotel. Two nights in same city, not that common for them.

 

"Of course. Right Rob?", Brad asked from the drummer but got only annoyed eye roll.

 

"You know you could at least try", Mike laughed to the drummer walking to the reception.

 

"What?", Rob furrowed his brows and followed the others.

 

"Try some happy happy stuff", the emcee said after talking to the woman behind the desk.

 

"That sounds like some sort of a drug. No thanks", Rob grinned.

 

"See! Even that is better", Chester grabbed the drummer in his hug kissing his cheek.

 

"Eeeew! Get your own Bourdie. This is mine. Or take Mike, he is free here", Brad pulled Rob playfully away from the singer and pushed then Mike to Chester almost tripping him over. 

 

Which made them all laugh, even Rob. He had now started to believe that maybe Brad's mistake was actually a good thing. Even though a voice in the back of his brain reminded him then that if the others wouldn't have reacted like they did he wouldn't have dealt it so lightly. Now he just had decided not to analyze it longer. Cause people make mistakes and he hasn't overcome his own one yet. 

 

As a band they had talked it over after Dave was briefed what had happened and decided that what ever it was what they had going on with Brad was going to be kept private. If press would hear about it it would be such a big deal and it would be talked then more than their music. They just didn't want to deal with that kind of situation. Dave took it also well, but he didn't really have a choice either cause all others were fine with the thing. 

 

And Brad got annoyed when Joe always talked about 'the thing' when he referred to what they were having with Rob. It sounded like it was something that had its own free will. Which it basically was, he rolled his eyes to the thought.

 

"Which brings us to the next thing. You two probably can share a room if you share even the tiny bunk in the bus", the singer coughed and handed one key to them grinning.

 

Rob chewed his lip. He was still nervous to share it all with someone. Not only the room but also his thoughts and feelings. Like if he had a bad urge to cut or wanted to cry. Brad would be in same room and he couldn't hide. He would notice that something was wrong and make him talk. He hated that other people saw his vulnerability. It made him so bare.

 

"I think that is fine", Brad squeezed his hand searching for an eye contact. Rob glanced at him but when he saw the look in the guitarist's eyes he couldn't say no either. The man was really trying to help.

 

"Well let's get some sleep. Long day tomorrow", Mike nodded smiling guiding them further down to the elevators.

 

"You really aren't excited about tomorrow?", Brad asked when they got into their room.

 

Rob had started to search his bag for something and didn't really pay attention to the other man. I thought I had, he was thinking frantically.

 

"Dude. I'm speaking to you", the guitarist leaped behind the other and snaked his hand around his waist stopping the search.

 

"Sorry I didn't hear what you said", the drummer sighed. He didn't meant to be rude.

 

"I asked aren't you excited about tomorrow", Brad breathed nibbling the crook on Rob's neck making the drummer moan softly and lean on him. Rob had placed his hand over his tangling their fingers.

 

"What, does that feel good?", the guitarist smiled kissing the sensitive skin now. He loved when the drummer got all soft and relaxed under his touch.

 

"I think I need to not listen to you more often", Rob grinned making the guitarist laugh.

 

"But yes I am excited. Of course. Not showing it like Chester though. I just remembered that I have only one clean shirt and you know I can't play two shows on same day with it. And if I wash one now it won't dry enough and going to to buy one isn't...", the drummer was then interrupted by the other man.

 

"No need to make it more complicated. Just borrow mine. I think I have the red one still clean. It should fit you too", Brad smiled and went to find it from his bag. He usually has plenty of spare ones incase something happened.

 

"Here", he handed it to the drummer who was little baffled. He really needed to get used to Brad being so nice but it always amazed him.

 

"It smells like you", Rob sniffed the shirt feeling his cheeks burn.

 

"Awwww Robbie that is so cute! But I bet it won't smell like that after you have used it", the guitarist pushed the other man on the bed hugging him.

 

"Hey! That was mean!", Rob grinned wriggling under him.

 

"I didn't say it in a bad way!", the other man laughed.

 

"But that's good anyway. Now you don't need to play in Dave's vest. Or so", Brad continued the joking receiving a poke from the drummer.

 

"You know I am so pleased to see you laugh. Besides that it is so adorable it also makes me feel you might be getting rid off the dark thoughts", he then added a serious note to the discussion.

 

"Maybe. I can't really explain the way I feel. But maybe someday I can", the drummer spoke quietly but had a smile on his face. It wasn't like he didn't want to get better, he just didn't know how to do it.

 

Soon they were both ready to get some sleep and tossed the blanket aside to get in. Sure they had two beds but Brad was planning to sleep with the drummer until he would tell him to get out. He couldn't really think anything better than to pull the other man on his arms and then wake up next to him.

 

\-----

 

Next morning Rob woke up first. Brad had his other arm swung over him, his chest in contact with Rob's back and his curly head resting on his shoulder. It made him smile, even though he almost had some of the hair in his mouth.

 

"I think we need to wake up", he mumbled running his fingers through the curls. They were so soft.

 

Brad woke soon to the movement yawning tiredly.

 

"I want to stay here. Whole day", he whispered keeping his eyes closed.

 

"And you were the one excited yesterday", Rob sighed turning around.

 

"I know... But it's so comfortable. You're so comfortable", the guitarist pulled the other man against himself holding tightly.

 

Rob smiled and kissed the guitarist's lips. Which made him shoot his eyes open instantly.

 

"You know, that's what I do", Brad grinned making Rob's heart beat faster. He loved the smile. Brad had always this playful glint in his eyes that accompanied the smile perfectly.

 

"Do what?", he answered smirking playing still with the famous curls of the guitarist.

 

"Wake you up like that", the guitarist closed the small gap between their faces and placed his lips to his.

 

"Oh that yes. But we got to get up. And it worked", Rob mumbled breathlessly.

 

"Besides I know that someone will knock on the door soon", he continued when he felt Brad's fingers on the waistband of his pajama pants. The guitarist groaned and reached for his phone. Yes, they should get up.

 

"Shoot. You're probably right", he sighed removing the alarm that would go off in few minutes.

 

"Or we could just say that they need to use Dave's technician and mine. And stay here", he tossed his phone down grinning devilishly and dived back to kiss the drummer.

 

Rob muttered some objections to Brad's mouth who swallowed them pushing his tongue between his lips tasting the man. After kissing the drummer for a while he had gotten what he needed to be content for now and pulled away smiling. They didn't even exchange any words they both knew they needed to get up and dressed or soon Chester would come and drag them out.

 

Brad started to get some clothes on not able to erase the smirk on his face. And soon there was a knock on the door as they had thought.

 

"Breakfast", Mike's voice yelled through the door. The emcee was working like a robot. Always on time.

 

Rob snorted at the timing and glanced at Brad with a 'I told you so' look.

 

Later that day the whole band was enjoying themselves. Now it seemed like Mike was even more excited about the gig than Chester but that was probably cause the singer was more nervous than usual. They played the private show and then headed to the venue to do the soundcheck quickly before food and the actual show. Stage was also different than usually which made Rob anxious. But then he changed Brad's shirt on smelling his scent on him and was managed to calm himself down. It was just a few new things more, nothing terrible.

 

The show was success. Even their guest appearance praised them and was happy how well it all went. Mike was really happy and wanted to head out for few drinks which they so rarely did nowadays. Chester was dead tired, given his all on the stage already twice that day but Dave wanted to join Mike. Joe wanted to talk to his wife and decided to head back to the hotel with the rest. They would have to wake up early since they had seven hours to drive and show again next day.

 

And Brad thought only one thing. He couldn't believe how hot the drummer had looked on the stage today wearing his shirt. So once they had gotten inside the room and were alone he turned his lips to a mischievous smile and approached Rob from behind.

 

"What do you think you're doing?", Rob frowned taken aback by the sudden touch. Brad had traced his fingers under his shirt pulling him against his chest.

 

"I think I want my shirt back. Even though you looked so hot in it", the guitarist nudged Rob's neck with his nose trying to pull the shirt off. The drummer inhaled sharply when the guitarist brushed his nipples slightly.

 

"You sure the shirt is only thing you want?", Rob felt his cheeks burn. Not really his style to tease.

 

"Oh my, one more new thing for us?", he felt Brad's whisper on his ear.

 

The guitarist was already hard grinding against Rob while concentrating to open the buttons on his pants. Soon the drummer's pants were on the floor and then followed by his boxers.

 

"I'm going to fuck you so hard that you can't sit tomorrow", Brad bit his ear making him shiver. "He sure knows my soft spots", Rob thought grinning.

 

Brad pushed him on the bed turning him around and laid on top of him. The drummer was so beautiful. His broad chest bare and muscles tight with excitement and his eyes filled with anticipation and lust.

 

"You know how breathtaking you are when you look at me like that", he pointed out leaning to kiss the soft lips. 

 

Then he rubbed himself into the drummer's hard on feeling his own throbbing erection wanting to be released from the tight pants and roamed his hand all over Rob's body. Breaking the kiss he got up so he could undress himself. Rob watched him the whole time not moving, just swallowing hard. Then Brad crawled back on the bed and on him smiling. Feeling the now bare skin on him was overwhelming to Rob and he gasped when Brad went to lick the delicate skin on his collarbone.

 

Rob gripped a handful of his curls when he felt the long fingers of the guitarist wrap around his member. It felt so amazing to feel Brad take control but he was still afraid to let it go. The guitarist leaned back to sunk his lips to Rob's who moaned with the pleasure. Rob was leaking pre cum on his hand and it made Brad grin.

 

"Stop the grinning", Rob laughed.

 

"Are you sure you want to do this?", the guitarist got serious. They had gone maybe past the asking part but he still wanted to be sure.

 

"Guess I am", the other man breathed out and watched Brad lean to search his pant pockets. He grabbed a small tube which made Rob laugh again.

 

"Prepared huh... Where did you get that?", he observed carefully when the curly haired man poured some of the clear gel on his fingers.

 

"Well let's say that if Mr. Shinoda asks for a missing item it wasn't me who took it", Brad chuckled and leaned down back on the drummer kissing hungrily his lips.

 

"You taste so amazing", he whispered amongst the kisses. He couldn't believe he was really doing this. He had wanted it so long but finally admitting it was so weird.

 

Rob was feeling his excitement build up when the guitarist's cold fingers found his tight muscle. Brad waited for all possible signs of pain or objections when he slowly pushed his long finger in. Rob bit his lips trying to relax and closed his eyes. The other hand of the guitarist was focusing on Rob's cock and his lips on his neck trying to proceed as carefully as possible. The combination of all the sensations made Rob moan and jerk his hips. Brad was smiling again and pushed second finger to join the other trying to prepare the other as well as possible. The tight walls were slowly giving in.

 

"Fuck Brad... that feels so good", the drummer breathed staring the other behind partly closed eyes. The way he bit his bottom lip made Brad go crazy.

 

The guitarist leaned back to slick his own member with the lube. Watching Rob wait for him whimpering was the final 'yes' which didn't need to be said out loud. The drummer's eyes were glistening with lust when Brad slowly adjusted himself and pushed his way through. Feeling the other man tense up was a sign for him stop and wait for him to relax again. It hurts, but damn it also feels good, was the drummer thinking. Meantime he leaned again over him kissing those swollen lips. Once the drummer was again whimpering and wrapping his legs around his waist he thrusted slowly in making Rob's eyes fly open.

 

"Okay?", he whispered looking at the beautiful dark eyes that stared back at him.

 

"Very much so", Rob smiled blushing. Oh how he loved the blushing drummer.

 

Growling he pulled away anxiously wanting more. Gripping the drummer's waist he pushed in again releasing a low cry from Rob's throat. Brad wrapped his hand around the throbbing cock of the drummer that hadn't got much attention in a while and made him moan again. Picking up the pace he started to stroke the rock hard member. He noticed a single tear escape Rob's eye and went to kiss it away. Rob didn't know where to put his hands but tangling them to Brad's curls felt just perfect. And the guitarist loved Rob's fingers in his hair and felt shivers travel along his spine.

 

"You feel so amazing", he grunted pushing deeper into Rob making him pull his hair harder.

 

The tight heat around Brad's cock was overwhelming and he felt his orgasm build up in his abdomen. He stared at the features of the drummer who had closed his eyes whimpering again with the pleasure.

 

"Brad I can't...", Rob moaned trying to swallow it. He still didn't want the others to hear them having sex. Or other hotel guests.

 

"Look at me", the guitarist spoke softly. He wanted to see the man cum. Wanted to see it all in his face. Rob obeyed and opened his eyes starting straight at him. Seeing the bewildered look in his eyes made Brad groan.

 

Brad thrusted harder in to the other man making him moan now loudly and grip into his hair. He got his thumb just in time to cut the hot stream of cum that could have spurted on his chin when Rob erupted hard. He pushed the thumb inside his mouth to lick it clean but the muscle tightening around his cock suddenly drove himself over the edge. He growled loudly and spilled his seed deep inside Rob who gave this little whimper feeling the warm load.

 

The drummer was still panting heavily trying to catch a breath when the guitarist pulled out of him and laid to the bed next to him.

 

"That... Wow", Brad swallowed hard turning to look at the drummer who had now the afterglow showing in his eyes.

 

"Couldn't say it better", Rob whispered drawing a soft smile on his luscious lips. Brad scooped him closer to him kissing his forehead.

 

"You are getting your stomach messy", Rob sighed wanting to wrap himself around the guitarist anyway.

 

"Don't care", the guitarist pushed himself on to the drummer intentionally. He couldn't care less about the semen on his stomach.

 

"You know how incredible you looked when you came? I could watch that all day everyday", Brad squeezed the other man's bare ass playfully.

 

"What did I tell you about my blushing?", Rob mumbled feeling his cheeks burn. He loved Brad's teasing, just not the blushing part.

 

"I wasn't really paying attention cause I was so mesmerized cause of that", the guitarist grinned.

 

"Also, I think I can just barely sit tomorrow", the other man returned the grin.

 

"Which means we aren't finished yet", Brad laughed and pushed his hot lips to Rob's.

 

"Oh fuck off. You're such a tease", the drummer mumbled in his mouth.

 

"And...", the other snorted waiting for the sentence to be filled properly.

 

"And what?", Rob frowned receiving a kiss on the tip of his nose.

 

"And you love it", Brad winked his eye making the other one laugh.

 

Pretty soon they had both fallen asleep despite the mess. Even thought about getting up to shower had made Brad groan so he had just tossed the blanket on them wanting to feel every inch of Rob's naked body on his. He would shower tomorrow with the drummer.

 

\------


	15. I'll pick you up right off the ground

"You went to shower without me? How rude!", Brad pouted when Rob came out from the bathroom dripping wet.

 

Brad had woken up to the water running and realized instantly that Rob was there. There went that plan. For now, he thought.

 

"You were still snoring so I figured I would let you sleep. Besides I don't think I would have gotten clean if I would have showered with you", the drummer raised his brow and started to search for clean clothes.

 

"Well now you're clean so I can mess you again, right?", the other man pulled him closer by his towel making it almost fall off before Rob got a grip on it.

 

"No! Don't have time to shower again. You know how it goes. Soon there is knock on a door and then we need to pack up the bus again", Rob sighed smiling. He would have given anything to stay in the bed with the other man but he knew they couldn't stay in the hotel room forever.

 

"That's so boring. I wanna stay here and fuck you again", the guitarist muttered trying to pull the towel off. But Rob kept his grip on it.

 

"Oh lord! I hope you stop that one day", Rob patted his flushing cheeks. He couldn't get used to the dirty talk.

 

"Now I can only focus on the words 'one day'", Brad scooped Rob quickly and pulled on him to the bed. His smile couldn't really be wider now. One day sounds so lovely, he thought.

 

"What do you think you're doing?, Rob laughed to the grinning man under him.

 

"Nothing really. I just wanted to kiss you", the guitarist murmured before connecting their lips.

 

Rob moaned almost instantly to his mouth and it was hard for Brad to kiss and not just grin. Just the thought that the drummer was like hot wax under his touch was enticing.

 

"You know how much I want you right now...", he breathed and bit Rob's lower lip softly.

 

And cause Mike was master of timing they heard a knock on the door then.

 

"Really?! And it isn't like they don't know!", Brad groaned. Not fair, dammit, he thought.

 

Rob snorted and made sure his towel was well before he went to open the door and let Mike in. Cause sure enough it was Mike. Noticing Brad's annoyed face Mike burst into laughter instantly.

 

"Sorry. This is still so freaking weird. Uhm... I had something to tell also.. Oh yes! The bus has broken. Again. So, we have to wait sometime to get another one but they told it shouldn't take longer than two hours. Which means we get to eat here before we leave. So now... you two can get to what... ever you were doing. Or come to eat with us", he explained.

 

He honestly didn't have any issues of his two friends being together, or something, but he couldn't help but to laugh at the idea. And then he decided to not think it further.

 

"You know what I think", Brad winked his eye for the drummer. He wanted to continue where they had been. Like all day.

 

"Brad! Jeez... Yes we are coming down to eat", Rob rolled his eyes to the laughing emcee who turned on his heels and got out off the room.

 

"That's not fair! When I get you to eat better you push me aside", the guitarist joked still in the bed.

 

"Fucking hell Delson. Now get up and go to the shower, you are starting to annoy me", the drummer laughed shaking his head.

 

"But you love it anyway", Brad laughed back and stood up.

 

"Yes I love you. No go before they....", Rob froze when he realized what he had just said. Shit, he thought.

 

"Sorry I.. I don't... Fuck", he felt instantly tears well up his eyes.

 

"No no no no no! Slow down okay?", Brad leaped to hold him in his arms. Seeing Rob break down like that made him feel horrible.

 

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have said it. I don't know why I...", Rob was shaking. Stupid! Why did you say it, why?!, he was beating himself mentally.

 

"Stop that. You're not going to lose me. Especially by saying something like that", the guitarist sighed and grabbed him to kiss his lips.

 

"It was an accident", the drummer sobbed.

 

"Doesn't matter was it or not. We don't need to talk about it", Brad shushed him.

 

"Really. I mean it", he continued after a while.

 

"Okay...", Rob sighed feeling mortified.

 

He waited to make sure the drummer had calmed down and understood what he said and went then to take the shower. Even though the other man had freaked out and said it wasn't intentional he still felt his heart beat faster.

 

Then they headed down to get something to eat. The rest of the group were already almost eaten and Chester couldn't help but to joke cause of their late arriving. Obviously Mike had told what had happened when he had went to get them. Brad stared at the drummer wanting to know was he fine with the joking, but he didn't seem to mind at all. And the faint blush on his cheeks was so adorable to Brad.

 

The breakfast went by quickly and soon they were already in the bus that was replacing their own one at least for this trip. Rob wasn't really liking the idea of using other than their own but it was clean and comfy which was enough for him now. They had decided their bunks long ago and wouldn't change it here either so he dumped his bags to their place and went to the back to sit with his book. Like every other time too.

 

"Hey... Would you like to do something else?", Brad patted his leg and sat beside him.

 

"Like what?", the drummer raised his eye brows. They knew he liked to read so it was weird for him. Just the thought of participating to something else after the last time.

 

"Like... maybe play cards? I know you don't like the video games. Chess is fine too if you want?", Brad smiled reassuring.

 

"I.... Well okay, why not", Rob's voice was small. Guess I am again trying something new, he thought.

 

The guitarist smiled and walked to fetch the cards. He was afraid that Rob would again regress to the familiar patterns he was so used to. He didn't mind the reading. It was something Rob had always loved and he didn't want to change that. But he wanted to break the walls that the man had built around himself. Cause he was loving all the small glimpses of the old Rob that was revealed from the cracks he had managed to do.

 

"Go ahead and try to beat me", Brad said giving a devilish grin while mixing the cards.

 

After few hours Mike was yawning so loud that Brad groaned.

 

"Dude! Go to sleep! I can't even concentrate to the game because you're constantly yawning", he said waving his hand in the air.

 

Rob snorted and glanced at the emcee. He did look tired.

 

"Fine... It was really boring to watch you play. Didn't know Rob was so good", Mike stood up stretching and went to climb in his bunk. They had still many hours to drive and he was exhausted. He loved touring but it just was so stressful and tiring. The singer was already sleeping, and the bassist was talking with the deejay.

 

"He is good in many things", Brad winked his eye to the drummer who rolled his in return.

 

"You know what I wait?", he then asked getting a confused look from Rob.

 

"The few days off after I think three shows. Would you like to spend them with me?", Brad explained making the drummer squirm.

 

Rob was feeling weird. On the other hand he was anxious but then he was flattered and really did want to spent the days with the guitarist. He didn't know what that really mean but he couldn't think anything worse than just staying in hotel room alone. Even staying in the hotel room with Brad playing this stupid game that he himself was winning sounded better.

 

"Okay. Don't know what you have in mind but... Sure", he nodded giving a slight smile for the guitarist.

 

"Great! I really don't even have anything planned. But I was just thinking about it and figured the others are probably spending the time by themselves or even flying back home. And I... I just couldn't think anything better than spend it with you", Brad sighed his face lit up with a smile of happiness.

 

That would be just perfect, he thought. And now he just needed to plan something for them. Something memorable but nothing too much that would scare the drummer. Cracking his walls could be fun too for both of them. Deciding what, just wasn't going to be easy.

 

\------


	16. We swim against the rising waves

"We really can cancel the show it we need. You know that!", Mike yelled and threw his phone in his bunk.

 

"The fuck we won't! I can manage", the singer sipped his hot tea and waved his hand in the air.

 

He was sick, again. The other band members were frustrated but not as frustrated as he himself was. Canceling a show felt like death sentence. He knew it wasn't that bad, but it felt like deceiving all the fans. Brad sighed staring at them. Of course he wanted to play. He wouldn't be in the band otherwise. But on the other hand a day more with the drummer sounded really tempting. Chester would get fine eventually anyway.

 

"Chester you don't listen to me. What if you get worse when you sing now? And then we could need to cancel more shows. Does that sound good to you?", the emcee shook his head lowering his voice back to normal.

 

"Argh Mike.... Okay, so how about this- I go to see a doctor and the doctor decides then is it safe for me to sing. That would be a compromise", Chester sighed.

 

"That's fine. You certainly don't sound like you should sing. And we can't replace you like... well like any of us others", Mike grunted.

 

"Bullshit. None of you are replaceable either. Even though we did it with Rob. And besides it wasn't even fun so let's not do it again. But if you excuse me now I will shut up so my voice gets some rest", the singer said and went to speak with the tour manager before he could really stay silent.

 

Mike sighed heavily feeling still tiny bit better that the singer would see a doctor. Sometimes he really wondered how Chester was so prone to accidents.

 

"Oh Brad by the way... You were in my room the other day. I have something missing, do you happen to know where it is?", Mike asked.

 

"Like what?", the guitarist asked back noticing both Mike and Rob blush.

 

Of course they all three knew what was the missing item. But the rest of the band probably didn't.

 

"Well erm... Never mind", the emcee scratched his nose nervously.

 

"I will buy you a new one. Besides you can say it out loud. Lube, Mike. Lube", Brad grinned.

 

"What?", Chester got back just in time to hear it.

 

"Well it is this wonderful gel like substance that makes you more slick and...", Brad started to explain but was quickly shut down by Joe.

 

"Oh my god, I don't really need to hear this... But Mike where do you need lube? And don't please tell me.... you're straight right?!", the deejay rubbed his temples getting confused now.

 

"Brad thank you but I know what lube is, it was me after all who bought it", Chester rolled his eyes and just like that climbed in his bunk. Haha, in your face Mike, he thought grinning behind the curtain.

 

"He is kidding guys!", Mike yelled his face bright red. "I'm so gonna kill him. Sick or not sick", he thought.

 

And for once in a while it was Rob bursted into laughter first. The guitarist found that so amusing and grabbed the drummer on his arms.

 

"Poor Bourdie, that was too much apparently", Joe's eyes widen by surprise.

 

He still didn't quite know what was going on but didn't want to ask either.

 

"At least he knows what lube is. And how to use it", Brad smirked.

 

"Stop! I can't breath", Rob coughed still laughing.

 

"You have broken him", the emcee started to laugh too.

 

In one bunk Chester was trying to not laugh too loud muffling his voice to a pillow and on the other bunk Dave was rolling his eyes not really wanting to hear more.

 

"Okay okay... We need to go to sleep. That is just exhaust speaking I think", Brad snorted pushing the drummer to 'their' bunk.

 

Which was still Rob's but Brad hated that the drummer slept alone so he usually joined him. But still always asked a permission. After they had undressed enough they climbed in and closed the curtain.

 

"So about the break.... Is there something you want to do or do you want me to plan it all?", the guitarist curled on Rob's lap placing his head in his chest.

 

"You do the planning. But if possible I would... well I don't like crowded places", the drummer kissed his forehead.

 

"Right. Well that is fine for me", Brad yawned smiling.

 

He had an idea. He just needed to make phone calls to make sure it was possible.

 

\-----

 

Next day the first thing that happened after the breakfast was Chester heading to the doctor's appointment. He had slept really good and his voice was tiny bit better. He was quickly diagnosed with nothing but flu. The doctor showed green light but also told that he needed to be careful. Mike was fine with that. Sure he was worried still but he trusted the doctor. He planned to make sure the singer got enough warm liquids to sooth his poor vocal cords.

 

The show went better than they expected even though Chester lost his breath at one point. Mike was so happy that the singer seemed to be better and Brad was happy cause ending of the show meant they were finally free with Rob. Just even for few days.

 

"So what are you guys up to? Guessing you will spend it together", Mike asked changing his sweaty t-shirt to a fresh one.

 

"Cause it is surprise I won't tell anything now. But I will say that Rob get your things cause a car is waiting us already outside", he slapped the drummer's ass grabbing one of his bags to carry.

 

"Brad! Fuck!", Rob gasped in surprise.

 

"Yes but not yet", Brad snorted.

 

One these kind of occasions he was happy they had money. Cause all of that couldn't have been done without some help and for the help he needed money.

 

Mike laughed and shook his head giving a sympathetic look for the blushing drummer.

 

"They really are something", Chester grinned directing his words more to Mike than to the two already walking out.

 

"Yup. But I am so happy that Rob seems to be more out of his shell. Can't remember when was the last time he had been so lighthearted. He laughs more and even responds better when talked to. Must be years", the emcee smiled.

 

"Which only makes me feel so bad that we didn't find out about it sooner", Chester sighed.

 

"True. But hope it lasts. I will personally kill Brad if he breaks Rob's heart", Mike squinted his eyes.

 

Outside the venue Brad had pushed the drummer into a car who drove them to an airport. Rob gave questioning look towards the other man but decided that he would ask after he knew where they were flying. Wasn't like they were going to Hawaii or something. Hopefully. At the airport they got in and the guitarist guided him further.

 

"Uhm... Isn't that the place where our next show is?", Rob was now confused when he saw the tickets.

 

"Yes. Cause we have only three days and I didn't have much planning time we are going there", Brad explained but not further.

 

The flight was easy and soon the now nervous drummer had his feet back on the solid ground thinking what the hell was happening. Brad lead him out and again into a car that was waiting for them. Rob didn't know what to think and he grew more anxious.

 

"Hope you like it", Brad asked when the car left them outside of an small cute cottage after a rather short drive.

 

"Uhm... Yes I do but I don't still get it", Rob lift his eyebrow receiving a kiss on the cheek from the other man.

 

"Well you said you don't like crowded places. And I thought that instead of some boring hotel we could sleep in more comfortable place. So I found this with some connections. And money, he added in his thought. We can pretty much do what ever we want and the next venue isn't that far from here. Let's go in okay? It has even sauna and a fireplace", Brad grabbed the drummer under his arm.

 

The cottage wasn't brand new but it had been taken good care of and it was really well decorated. Rob was still confused that someone had done something like this just for him. He got his shoes off and stood on the living room glancing around. Couch looked comfy, lights were dimmed and next to the couch there was table with pile of caramels. There was a real fire on the fireplace and fluffy huge pillows in front of it.

 

"Well that is...", Brad laughed.

 

"How the hell were you able to pull this off when we were in other state just few hours ago?, the drummer stared at the other man eyes wide.

 

"As I said I got help", Brad winked his eye placing their bags on the floor.

 

"And I agree- that is cheesy. But also romantic. Even though I don't really even know what that is", Rob whispered pointing at the fireplace and the pillows.

 

"Awwww... I will show you", the guitarist snaked his hands around the overwhelmed man kissing his lips.

 

"And you're cheesy too. And naughty", Rob sighed after the guitarist had pulled back from the kiss.

 

"I will go to see does the sauna need something. And I think we also have to eat something cause I am starving. The bedroom is just right around the corner if you want to change clothes or something", Brad nodded.

 

Meanwhile the drummer carried their bags to the bedroom and shook his head. Really. All of this for me. I love it even though I didn't expect anything like this, he thought feeling flattered. But it was the first time he was alone with the other man for so long time and he didn't know how to be. He was happy but somewhere deep inside of him was the old doubt still waiting. He didn't want to give any opportunity to it to get the best of him. But he was afraid that the day would come anyway no matter how hard he resisted.

 

"You're thinking too much again", Brad was suddenly behind him nibbling his neck and entwining their fingers together.

 

"Sorry. Can't help it", he whispered and let the guitarist lead him back to the living room.

 

Brad signed him to sit on the couch while he went to see the fridge contents. Of course he had also asked that the owner would fill the fridge with their favorite foods. Soon he had started to cook glancing back to the drummer from time to time. Rob had fetched a book and was comfortable sitting there. He loved to watch the other man cook for him. Again something new.

 

"Ready", Brad nodded soon bringing him a plate of steaming fish and veggies.

 

They ate in silence and the guitarist couldn't be happier to see Rob really eat. And to finish it all. The portion wasn't big but it was way more than Brad had been used to see him eat.

 

"Thank you. It was good", Rob felt his lips curl up to a smile.

 

"I love to see you smile", Brad said and grabbed their plates to the sink.

 

Meantime Rob got his book and continued from the same spot he left it. Seeing the guitarist do dishes was even more weirder than seeing him cook. But he didn't say anything. At least yet. He would if this would continue.

 

"Sauna should be ready soon. I don't... umm I don't know do you want to go but I think we should", the guitarist wiped his hands dry to a towel.

 

"I think that I have never been to one. But sure, don't want to go to sleep dirty", Rob nodded.

 

Brad smiled feeling that his plan to spoil the drummer was working. He wanted that the other man would let loose and release the grip on his thoughts. After he had poked the fire and added some logs there he went to see the sauna.

 

"Shall we go", he said when he got back.

 

They undressed quickly in the bedroom and sauntered to the bathroom.

 

"Just keep your eyes on the stove thingy Delson", Rob rolled his eyes when they got in to the sauna.

 

Because first thing he noticed were Brad's eyes eating him up.

 

"But you're so pretty Mr. Bourdon. Especially when you're naked", Brad blushed and kissed his cheek.

 

"How do you use that thing?", Rob wanted to avoid the subject.

 

Being naked was one thing but being naked with a person that had been just his friend some time ago was another.

 

"Just throw some water on the rocks", Brad showed him filling the room with steam.

 

"Whoa. Who was crazy enough to invent something like this. Though I like it anyway", Rob wondered feeling the steam soak up his skin.

 

They sat in silence for a while when Brad grabbed the other man pulling him on his arms. Weird feeling to hold a person who's skin was hot and slippery from the steam and sweat. And they hadn't even showered together before.

 

"Uhm... Do you want me to do something about that?", Brad smirked when he saw Rob's erection grow under his eyes.

 

He had tried to push his own thoughts aside but hiding wasn't really even possible there.

 

"Sorry I... Fuck", Rob shook his head blushing.

 

"Don't say sorry. You should already know that it doesn't scare me away. Quite the opposite", the other man winked his eyes pushing his wet curls away from his eyes.

 

"Just a second", he whispered and got out from the steam leaving Rob alone to throw some more water on the rocks.

 

And leaving him alone with his thoughts. Which he was trying to reduce, but couldn't help it. Especially now when his mind was like whirlwind and he couldn't even grasp a single thought.

 

"I can promise you that I wasn't planning this. So you don't think I am total pervert", Brad smirked when he got back with the lube.

 

"That is also a thing we have gone past", Rob laughed.

 

"Damn... I kinda had some hope still left. Hmm... How about you stand up?", the guitarist said.

 

Rob raised his eyebrow with confusion but did what he was asked. Then he watched the other man climb up on the bench and sit down signing him to sat on his lap.

 

"You know I will crush you", Rob furrowed his brows but crawled on the guitarist straddling him.

 

"Don't think so. You haven't gained all your weight back. And besides I'm more resilient than you think", Brad grabbed his face to bring it down to a kiss.

 

A kiss that went straight to Brad's groin. He loved to kiss Rob. How he tasted, how he got breathless after a while and how he pushed himself closer and deeper wanting more. Brad poured some lube on his palm not breaking the kiss and wrapped both of their cocks on his slick grip. The drummer moaned pushing his fingers on Brad's shoulders almost painfully.

 

"Oh my god...", Brad gulped pulling away from the kiss.

 

Looking up at the drummer and seeing him lost in the pleasure felt almost as good as their throbbing cocks rubbing together.

 

"Can I tell you again how astonishing you look?", he said his voice thick with all the emotions running through him.

 

"I think you just did", Rob tangled his fingers in Brad's curls giving a soft peck on his lips.

 

Even though they were feeling hot the sauna had got colder so the guitarist leaned to throw more water on the sizzling hot rocks. The steam soon surrounded them making Brad's skin get goosebumps. He hadn't released his pumping grip from their members the whole time but hearing Rob squeak under his touch was getting too much. If wouldn't do something else soon he would come right away.

 

"I want to feel you", he whispered trailing his slick fingers on Rob's entrance.

 

Wasn't planning this at all but certainly won't back down now, he thought.

 

The drummer held his breath when the other man pushed a finger inside him. He was yearning for more but instead of saying it out loud he bit his lip and stared at the other man pleading with his eyes.

 

"How does that feel?", Brad asked adding another one of his long fingers to the other.

 

Rob let out a low growl leaning back. The guitarist grinned deviously gripping Rob's neck and pulling him closer to him so that he could kiss those quivering lips again.

 

"Fucking hell", Rob gasped feeling his throat dry as a sandpaper.

 

"I want you to sit on me...", Brad whispered grabbing Rob's thighs.

 

"Oh...", the drummer leaned up getting now all of his weight off the guitarist.

 

The light blush on Rob's cheeks and the fire in his eyes made Brad gasp. He wanted to feel the tightness already but wasn't sure was he proceeding too quickly or not.

 

"My fingers might be on the way", he mumbled after pulling them out and focused to lick Brad's collarbone.

 

Adjusting the larger man on a perfect spot wasn't easiest task but even more rewarding then. He held his erection on a place looking at the drummer who slowly sat on him burying him half way in.

 

"Jeez Rob", Brad dug his fingers on the drummer's muscular rear.

 

"Kiss me", he whimpered.

 

The drummer lowered and smashed their lips together again letting the other man take a lead and push his eager tongue in his mouth exploring and invading. Meanwhile he pushed himself further taking all of Brad in him never minding the pain that would soon disappear. Brad moaned on his mouth feeling Rob wrap his arms around his shoulders. He then got his hand on Rob's rock hard member that was reminding of himself with every slight movement. The drummer gasped and his eyes shot open when he felt the long fingers around him.

 

"Move. Please", Brad breathed pleading with his eyes after they had stayed still for a while trying to breath.

 

Even feeling the tightness like that around him was amazing, but when Rob started to move up and down using only his legs made him cry out. The rawness of his voice surprised himself too. He snaked his other arm around the Rob's waist squeezing him. His other hand was trying to match up the drummer riding him faster and faster. 

 

Rob kept his arms on his shoulders adjusting them so he could sink them in Brad's soft wet curls. Brad's breath on his face was burning and his eyes filled with anticipation and delight. It was so freaking hot to see the drummer ride on his cock and stare straight into his eyes. He was panting heavily trying to keep his moans in.

 

Suddenly Rob's muscles clenched around his cock while Rob spurted his hot load over his hand and stomach. Rob pulled Brad's hair so that he could more easily push his lips once again against his moaning passionately in his mouth. Maybe it was the moan, or maybe it was the teeth grazing his lips that undid him this time. He didn't care why when he released himself crying out Rob's name.

 

"Like... Really? That was something", he swallowed hard trying to catch his breath again.

 

"Your idea", Rob grinned kissing his swollen lips.

 

"Well you gave me the idea. But now if you don't mind I will wash you up and maybe have one more surprise for today", he winked his eye helping the drummer climb off of his lap.

 

Rob frowned but followed the guitarist to the shower. He didn't like surprises but with Brad they always lead to something wonderful.

 

"You know this is still weird", Rob watched the guitarist hold him under the stream of water while he soaped up a sponge.

 

"I like weird", Brad pushed him against the wall and then reconnected their lips once again making the drummer squirm under his hands.

 

When he had washed the other man enough for his liking, making him smell delicious he washed himself. Then he handed a giant bathrobe for the drummer making him frown again and got another one on himself. Holding the confused man's hand he lead him to the living room and helped down in front of the fireplace.

 

"Don't go anywhere", Brad winked his eye walking to the small kitchen area.

 

Rob shook his head his lips curling to a smile. He couldn't really believe any of this but couldn't wish any better. The guitarist was really making him feel alive again. And the mischievous gleam in his eyes made his heart melt. My Brad, he thought daringly.

 

He saw the guitarist pull a bottle of sparkling wine from the fridge, pop it open and fill up two tall glasses. After that he pulled a tray of chocolate covered strawberries and brought all of the treats to him.

 

"When I said you're cheesy I didn't even think you could be this cheesy. Brad really? Strawberries in February", he bursted into laughter.

 

"Oh shut up. It's for you. I can be cheesy just for you", Brad snorted poking the Rob's ribs.

 

Rob hold his laugher in and took the glass from the guitarist. He didn't even know would he like sparkling cause it was ages since he had had some but tasted it anyway.

 

"You know I mean it?", Brad got serious.

 

He wanted that Rob knew this wasn't something random he had done just for fun. Few years back if someone would have told him about this kind of romantic stuff he would most likely just laughed and thought it wasn't his thing. Apparently it was cause he was totally enjoying himself.

 

"Being cheesy? I can see that", Rob answered feeling his throat tighten.

 

Don't panic, don't panic, a voice repeated in his mind. He had loved every single moment here so far but didn't want to be the awkward one. Again.

 

"No. I mean when I said it's for you. Wouldn't do this for anybody else", the guitarist whispered his eyes sparkling perhaps even more now by the fire.

 

"I can feel it", Rob leaned to give a peck on his nose.

 

"Good. Now come here so I can be more cheesy and feed some strawberries for you", Brad smirked.

 

\------


	17. There's a seat here alongside me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all <3

\------

 

"Good morning", Brad laid down a tray full of breakfast yummies.

 

"Are you trying to turn us to a walking cliche or what the fuck?", Rob frowned pulling the covers over his head.

 

He had slept so good, but waking up early wasn't his forte. The wonderful scent of coffee though was helping.

 

"Well not intentionally but I don't really care what others think. I thought you already knew that", the guitarist grinned and sat at the edge of the bed.

 

"I do but... Brad really. You don't need to... it's not like you can glue me back together. To a normal human being, with pampering. It doesn't work that way", Rob sighed only one eye peeking under the covers.

 

"It doesn't? You could have fooled me. I didn't see really anything bad in this. Or relapse either", Brad smiled and went peel the covers aside so he could kiss the other man.

 

"I think you deserve this. When was the last time you have been taken good care of?", he continued brushing Rob's cheek with his hand.

 

"I don't....", Rob mumbled.

 

He still couldn't believe he could or should be loved. At least not like this.

 

"Hey... You do. And I will do everything I can that you can some day see that", the guitarist stared at him dead serious.

 

"So. I have plenty of stuff for you to choose from. And then we can talk what do you want to do today", he nodded.

 

The drummer nodded and tried to wipe away the tears that he just couldn't keep away.

 

"Oh Robbie come here", Brad dived under the bedcover pulling the other man in his arms.

 

"I'm sorry", Rob mumbled amongst the sobs.

 

He hated to cry. Even more he hated when others saw it. And even more than that he hated that Brad saw him crying.

 

"You don't ever need to apologize your tears or feelings. You have nothing to apologize for. Not to me", the guitarist nuzzled Rob's neck.

 

"I wish you could tell me what is wrong so maybe I could help", he hugged the warm drummer tighter.

 

"I don't... I really don't even know. But I could.... well I could try later. Not now", Rob breathed heavily and wrapped his arms around Brad's shoulders.

 

They laid there for a long while just listening to each others heart beats neither of them really wanting to move.

 

"I think the coffee is already cold", Rob whispered.

 

"I don't care. See, you're making me say that again", the guitarist answered.

 

"But we can't lay here all day", the other rolled his eyes.

 

"Actually we can. And tomorrow too. Though I promised to call Mike tomorrow, but I think I can just barely reach my phone", Brad gave him a soft kiss.

 

"You're annoying", the drummer sighed.

 

"I know. You're making me annoying", Brad snorted.

 

"That's not me causing it. You were that even before we... something", Rob rolled his eyes.

 

"Something. Is that... Well I don't want to push you or anything but 'something' is little vague, don't you think?", the guitarist got on his playful smile.

 

"Well uhm... I don't think I can call you my boyfriend either", Rob blushed furiously.

 

"If you don't want to. Something is fine too. But I am totally okay if you call me your boyfriend", the guitarist nodded kissing him again.

 

"Really?", Rob was feeling awkward, fuzzy warm awkward.

 

"Really", Brad mumbled in his mouth.

 

"Which means I need to make up a nickname for you", he continued smirking.

 

"Brad! Fuck no, I can already imagine what you think of", Rob laughed and tried to push him off of him.

 

"Well of course you need a nickname! Bourdie isn't quite enough", Brad cling to him.

 

"No!", Rob laughed and wrestled Brad to escape his grip leaving him alone in the room.

 

Brad was so happy. Not only cause something important had just happened but cause he had been able to chase away the darkness that was inhabiting Rob's mind once again. At least it was gone for now. Even a little while was better.

 

Later that day Brad stared at the drummer while he was sipping his coffee. They didn't really have anything particular to do. Which was just fine for both of them. Most important thing for Brad was that they got to be alone without the others. And that they could be somewhere else than the bus or the boring hotel room. If it would have been summer he would have taken the drummer out for a picnic. But cause it was freezing outside and not even snow they just stayed in.

 

Rob was reading again which the guitarist found so adorable. Again the glasses on his nose which he occasionally pushed up with his index finger. He was barely hearing what Brad said making him roll his eyes and smile. He could have stayed there for hours. Just staring the other.

 

"You're staring at me again", Rob said not turning his eyes away from the book.

 

"Cause you're so beautiful", Brad smiled to him tilting his head.

 

"At least I'm not naked this time", the drummer rolled his eyes feeling a smile tug his lip.

 

"Then I wouldn't be just staring", the other man wiggled his eye brow.

 

"Jeez... You just can't stop that, can you?", Rob sighed but not even feeling to drop his smile.

 

"And you're even more beautiful when you smile", Brad leaped to him kissing his cheek.

 

That was pretty much how their day went, both contented to that. Both calm and happy. Not really wanting to think anything at all, just enjoying the company of the person you really like.

 

\-----

 

Next morning Brad didn't surprise Rob with a breakfast in bed. This time Rob woke up before the guitarist and spend almost what seemed like an hour just to enjoy the view. My turn to stare, he thought smiling. Brad's long lashed vibrated from time to time. Guess he was seeing dreams, Rob thought.

 

It was weird to him that the other was quiet. Brad was usually always talking. Or if he wasn't talking he was making some weird facial expressions which were talking as much as his words.

 

Brad yawned and opened his eyes half way mumbling something incoherently. He was surprised to see the drummer stare at him having a slight smile on his lips.

 

"This is still so weird", Rob muttered.

 

"You staring at me? Yeah", Brad gave a peck on his nose.

 

"No, this. Us. Waking up next to you", the drummer smiled playing with Brad's curls.

 

"And I wouldn't change it to anything", Brad whispered pulling the other closer.

 

"Me neither... I just... You know how I am like. If I get too comfortable then next thing is that I'm alone again. Happens every single time. And you have always been one of my best friends. Which is another weird thing here", Rob breathed just inches away from Brad's mouth.

 

"Yeah... And a male. Which is weird too. But... well you know I can't promise you I will be here always with you. That's something I can't promise cause I am not sure that I could keep it. Even if it hurts now to say it, but people change. Time goes by and in ten years I'm probably nothing like I am now", he stopped and brushed the drummer's cheek

 

"Even still... now I can just say that I like you a lot. Like really really like you. And I don't it will change anytime soon. Which means I'm not going anywhere. Not now or tomorrow. Okay? Can we... well at least try to be here now and not think the future", Brad said seriously and tilted his head to fill the gap between them and placed his lips to Rob's.

 

"Cause I think too much?", Rob said breathlessly when the guitarist pulled away from him.

 

"Yeah", Brad nodded smiling.

 

"And I also think we have had this conversation earlier", he continued snorting.

 

He found Rob's habit to think too much and analyze stuff annoying but also cute. And not that he could get rid of it either, but he could at least help him to maybe reduce it.

 

"But now I think I need to make the phone call for Mike and maybe some breakfast?", he gave yet another small kiss for the drummer.

 

"Okay. I'll be there in a minute", Rob nodded scratching his head.

 

Brad got up pulling some clothes on and headed to the kitchen. Rob stretched lazily and took a minute to analyze everything. It just was something he couldn't stop. Not that he really wanted to stop it all but sometimes the thoughts in his head were just overwhelming. Just too much at once. He got up and started to dig his bag to get some clean clothes. 

 

And there was the book. He didn't even remember it was in this bag. He picked it up and let the book open itself from the spread where the blade was. Same place as last time. Not like it would have disappeared by itself. He sighed and picked it up. Feeling and looking at the cold, sharp steel made all the emotions rush back to his mind. It was exhausting to try to always run away from them. With Brad it was different. He still couldn't honestly let all of his guard down. Even though he wanted it so badly, but even just thinking about it made it harder to breathe. But the guitarist tried so hard to understand him and help him to get through it. Rob just wasn't so sure did he deserve it all.

 

"Hey come on I... Oh... You kept it?", Brad came in the room stopping in the doorway.

 

"Please Brad don't be mad I just....", Rob felt the tears burn again in his eyes.

 

"Rob no! I'm not mad, not at all. Just surprised", Brad shook his head vigorously.

 

He hadn't really even thought about what was the tool or where it had went after the last time. Seeing it now made him so sad.

 

"I can't... Shit. I don't even know how to explain it. I haven't had the feeling to do it in long time. Really haven't. But knowing that I still have the blade... well it... You know... it kinda like comforts. If I have the urge it is there. It waits. It waits even when nobody else doesn't", Rob mumbled wiping the tears away.

 

We're cliche but I am even more of a cliche, he thought.

 

"Babe... Can I suggest something?", Brad wrapped his arms around the drummer from behind keeping his eyes on the blade.

 

"Yeah...", Rob nodded biting his lip.

 

"We throw it away. You know that you can buy a new one. If you get the urge. And... I hope before that you can tell me. So that I can help you to get rid off the urge. Could that be something you would be comfortable with?", Brad kissed his neck softly.

 

Rob froze up to think about it. It was hard thing to do. But if he wouldn't do it now it would be just so much harder later. And what then? After all it was addiction. And a way to deal with the emotions he was so not used to deal with normally. And what the hell was normal anyway. Jeez, why does it have to be so difficult, he thought.

 

"Maybe... Okay", he sighed and lowered his head.

 

"And I am still here. Even after we toss it, okay?", the guitarist squeezed him harder.

 

Rob nodded and tried to smile. They walked to the kitchen Brad arm still wrapped around Rob's shoulders.

 

"You know you're not supposed to just put these in trash", he mumbled when Brad placed a garbage can in front of them.

 

"I know. And you're again making me say it- I don't care. Not now", Brad smiled and shook his head.

 

He lifted Rob's arm gripping to the blade and held it over the can. Rob bit his lip even harder feeling so torn.

 

"Don't", Brad noticed it and swiped the lip with his thumb.

 

Inhaling deep Rob released his grip and let the blade drop to the can. There. Now it would disappear, he thought feeling somewhat relieved.

 

"I'm proud of you", Brad whispered to his ear and guided him to sit at the table.

 

"French toasts and the side... Do you want strawberries with mint or mascarpone with orange?", he tilted his head again smiling which Rob just adored.

 

"I think I'll try the mascarpone thingy", the drummer answered.

 

Brad nodded and want to finish the breakfast. He was so glad that the blade was gone. Even though it wasn't that simple. The blade was just a tool for the self-harm.

 

"Brad?", the drummer said suddenly.

 

"Huh?", Brad answered placing a plate and a cup of steaming hot coffee in front of the other man.

 

"Thank you", Rob whispered his eyes glistening through the tears.

 

\------


	18. I wanna find something I've wanted all along

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit! This chapter was missing o.O

"Are you ready to go back?", Brad asked getting into the car.

 

Their time at the cabin was over and it was time to get back on the touring. Drive to the venue was only an hour so they had waited to the last minute.

 

"Well... Kinda", the drummer muttered.

 

"You had good time still, right?", Brad grabbed his hand to his own.

 

"Yeah", Rob looked back at the guitarist smiling, making sure the other would know he appreciated it all.

 

Aaawww, his eyes are glistening, Brad thought.

 

"Great. We'll do it again someday", he said squeezing Rob's hand.

 

In no time they were at the venue and got inside. The rest of the band was already gathered in the backstage. They tossed their bags aside and went to talk with them.

 

"Ooooh! Did you guys had fun?", Mike asked when they arrived. He was his usual happy self but with a tiny bit of edge added to that which Brad picked up instantly.

 

"Yeah! Nice cabin with fireplace, sauna and a proper bedroom", Brad nodded strecthing.

 

"I have been to sauna once! It's hot", Chester said his voice a weird croak.

 

"Well that it totally was", Brad smirked and winked his eye to Rob who rolled his eyes and blushed.

 

"Eeeew! My poor ears!", Joe grimaced.

 

"But what's wrong with you?", Brad asked from Chester frowning.

 

"The fucking flu wasn't a flu after all. I thought Mike told you that I couldn't even speak yesterday. So the setlist is totally changed. I hate that we can't play 'Given Up' but I just can't do it", the singer mumbled.

 

"No he didn't....", Brad turned to look at the emcee.

 

"Sorry. I thought it was better that you don't worry too much when you were supposed to have fun. Especially Rob. And even if I would have told neither of you could have done anything", Mike shrugged.

 

"Right... Well next time please do. I just won't tell Rob it then", the guitarist joked receiving a punch from Rob.

 

"So what's the deal then? Setlist change?", he continued grabbing the drummed under his arm.

 

"Yeah. We start with 'What I've Done' and 'No More Sorrow' with few others will be dropped. And I won't participate to the soundcheck", Chester waved his hand in the air obviously annoyed that they had to drop so many favorite songs.

 

"Okay. Well that's what we gotta do", Brad gave a reassuring smile. Not like they wouldn't have other songs to play.

 

They got quickly the soundcheck done before heading to eat. Brad didn't leave Rob alone, joking constantly. Rob didn't really mind. The others knew they were together 'or something' if you would ask from Joe and Brad always knew how to be in public. But Rob was still so afraid that something would come and destroy his happiness. Not like he could change his mind that quickly cause that was what he was so used to. A pattern that he had always followed. But he really did try to enjoy the time now.

 

The show itself didn't go as planned at all. Chester was way worse than he sounded when he talked. Luckily the crowd was great. Chester even said that they could get their money back if they wanted. Mike didn't think he was that bad, but he certainly couldn't sing the way he could normally. Brad cringed many times cause the singing sounded like it was hurting.

 

"Are you fine?", Mike sighed when they got out from the stage after 'Faint'.

 

Chester shook his head and popped a water bottle open.

 

"That bad?", the emcee grimaced getting an 'I hate this feeling'- look from the other.

 

"Shit", Brad muttered.

 

"We are not playing tomorrow. Really, you need time to rest. I'll call the doctor to see you", Mike said trying to find his phone.

 

Brad went to sit down on Rob's lap getting a smile from Mike. The emcee was super glad that they were like any other couple out there.

 

"I like how you are getting your weight back", the guitarist hugged Rob.

 

"Are you calling me fat Delson", Rob laughed wrinkling his nose.

 

"Nu uh! But you were basically skin and bones just a while back", Brad kissed his cheek.

 

Soon the doctor came and examined the singer instantly.

 

"So I heard you have shows tomorrow and next day. And then day off. I'm afraid but this needs more than one day. He needs at least another day too. I hope the situation is better after that but I suggest you cancel now the next two shows", the doctor told basically looking only Mike.

 

"Fuck", Chester muttered.

 

"And you are not allowed to talk. Really, not even a single word. Word here and there might not sound bad now but soon it is a sentence and next you're singing without permission. So no speaking!", the doctor pointed Chester with his finger and left.

 

"Hey, we will make it up to the fans. Don't worry about it now", Mike smiled tilting his head.

 

"I'll make the call for the tour manager", he patted the singer on the back.

 

"You know what this means? Since I checked the tour calendar earlier today", Brad whispered to the drummer.

 

Rob frowned not following. Again the guitarist was thinking further.

 

"Well next show is in LA. So, were going home", Brad smiled squeezing the drummer.

 

"If you want you can come to my place", he continued with lower voice.

 

Chester started to wave his hands like he was wanting to say something.

 

"He wants to tell you that you two are adorable", Mike explained but Chester just slammed palm to his forehead.

 

"That was what you were thinking anyway", Mike laughed getting a slap from the singer.

 

"Could I?", Rob asked returning to the subject.

 

"Yes you could. I would like it a lot", Brad nodded kissing the drummer.

 

"You guys can leave if you want. I will handle the rest", Mike smiled.

 

"Well if you're headed to the airport I'm coming with you", Dave said.

 

"Chester? Coming with us?", Brad asked getting up.

 

Chester tilted his head like he was thinking about something and then shook it pointing at Mike and smiling.

 

"Yeah, he is staying with me. We'll catch the next flight with Joe, wherever he is", the emcee got his phone out again.

 

"Chester please get better okay. It's so freaking weird that you don't talk", Brad hugged the singer who waved his hand like he was saying 'Yeah! I know!'

 

The three of them walked out from the building and got inside a car that was already waiting for them. Mike had been efficient.

 

"I don't mean to... Well just tell me if I am being rude but are you two really like... together?", Dave asked when they had been in the plane for some while.

 

"Yes we are", Brad said glancing at Rob just to make sure he wasn't talking out of turn. He didn't want to be that person, but if he didn't talk others would probably never get answers.

 

"Good. You two are great together", the bassist nodded matter-of-factly.

 

Rob smiled at Brad being glad that they were so well accepted.

 

"Spill it out Phi. Was that really the first thing you thought back then?", Brad asked.

 

"No, not then. I was so surprised that I couldn't think anything clear about it for a while. Then I thought that cause I know you I also know that you will take good care of him. And now seeing you two together confirms it. Don't know what you both are thinking but I think this isn't something minor. Which I am really happy about. Time for the drummer boy to receive some lovin'!", Dave answered being totally honest.

 

"But... We are one thing. The fans are another. I hope you understand that you have to keep it behind the closed door. It would be a huge thing if it would get out of hand. The fans would maybe accept it but the media wouldn't leave you alone. And if... you would break up.. They would shred you to pieces", he continued sighing.

 

"We know that. Hmm.. Well at least I have thought about it. People can be so rude and I don't want Robbie to get hurt", Brad mumbled and nudged the drummer.

 

"I'm not that fragile you know...", the drummer rolled his eyes.

 

"Yes you are. Remember the talk when I brought you the breakfast in bed?", Brad snorted.

 

"Breakfast in bed? That's cheesy", Dave laughed.

 

"How about strawberries covered in chocolate? With sparkling wine? In front of a fire place? Yeah, he did that too", Rob laughed back.

 

"I can be cheesy! It's for Rob, Brad said defending himself, "But I was going to say that yes you are a fragile giant teddybear, but it's fine". The guitarist squeezed Rob's leg which was pretty much the only thing he could do in a crowded airplane that was just landing on LAX.

 

"But I am lucky you happen to be drummer. If you would be singer or bassist I would probably be grinding against you on stage. Like in every possible chance", he got back to the previous subject making the drummer sigh.

 

Dave rolled his eyes but laughed anyway. Something good in this bad world still. After the plane had landed they got quickly out from it and the airport itself avoiding all possible fans. Dave was getting a lift from his wife so they just got in a cab.

 

"Are you sure you don't want to go home? We just spend days together and the touring too...", Brad whispered.

 

"Yes I am. I don't want to go home alone. Besides I haven't seen your house in what, like four years?", the drummer answered as quietly trying not to draw attention to them. Like a cab driver wouldn't have seen pretty much everything there is to see. But Dave's talk ringed in his head.

 

And Brad's house was huge. It was way bigger than Rob remembered. And literally money well spent cause it looked really good from inside. Obviously professional had done the interior designing. Or Brad had some hidden talent that he didn't know of. Thinking about it made him chuckle.

 

"Well it shouldn't be that bad? Wasn't cheap", Brad frowned.

 

Bingo, the drummer thought.

 

"It looks good. And no fireplace", he answered.

 

"No. And no sauna either. But I dove have jacuzzi if you want to try?", Brad wiggled his eye brows.

 

Rob sighed and shook his head grinning then. Just get used to it, that's what he just does, he thought.

 

"I knew you would like it", the guitarist nodded and pulled him in a hug.

 

"Let's go, I'm tired", he guided then the other towards the bedroom.

 

"Just make yourself home. I think I will go to shower", he said when they reached the big master bedroom.

 

Rob dropped his belongings on the floor and laid down on the bed. Which was also big. Jeez, why has he this much room? My house is probably half from this, he thought looking around the room. The wallpaper was dark plum color and the curtains were lighter violet with silver decorations. On the corner there was a table with pile of paper with handwritten text and a computer. Wall next to it had several guitars hanging on a holder. He remembered he had seen few of them but they all were so clean and polished, so well taken care of that they could also be new ones. Except an acoustic one that had fingerprints on it. On the other side of the room was a chair that had some shirts tossed on it, next to a wardrobe.

 

"Like the room?", Brad opened the bathroom door letting the steam escape.

 

"It's cozy. Was just wondering why you need so much room?", Rob got to lean on his elbows.

 

"Well... When I was searching for a house I was imagining that I would be living here like.. not maybe forever but most of it. Maybe have family. And I wanted the house to be here, in this particular part of town, and it also happened to be the only one available then", he explained.

 

"How about the guitars? Why in bedroom?", the drummer asked further.

 

"I like to play guitar for my dates", Brad crawled on the bed.

 

"I think that's another cliche Delson. And it kinda still didn't answer my question... And makes me think do you have a lot of dates", Rob gasped when the guitarist trailed a hand under his shirt.

 

"And I think you're being jealous now... No, seriously I didn't have. Now I obviously have only one in my mind", Brad kissed his cheek softly.

 

"One thing or...", Rob smiled.

 

"Oooh! Who is the one teasing now? One person I mean, besides you're not a thing either", Brad grinned and gnawed his earlobe.

 

"How come you have never played for me?", Rob asked. He wasn't insulted, just curious.

 

"Cause you hear me play almost daily. I didn't know you would even like it", the guitarist continued to lick his neck.

 

"Well that's true.. But not same thing really", Rob muttered biting his lip.

 

"If you want I can make it happen", Brad whispered.

 

"Not now", the drummer shook his head wrapping his arms around the other. He felt so serene, just a tiny moment that he probably could remember for ever.

 

"I kinda figured that already", Brad laughed staring at the drummer.

 

"I don't know why I haven't seen you before. Like really seen", his voice was then dead serious and so quiet that Rob thought he was talking to himself.

 

Rob held his breath. He didn't know what was coming and couldn't even guess. But it couldn't be something bad cause the guitarist had the sparkle in his eyes again.

 

"But I do now. I really do", Brad smiled.

 

\------


	19. When life leaves us blind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for smut

\-------

 

Morning came quicker than ever and Brad slipped under Rob's arm before he would wake up. He did want to surprise the drummer. Instead of heading down to make some breakfast he got the acoustic guitar down from the wall and tuned it trying not to wake up the other yet. Rob was almost an x sleeping on his stomach other arm hanging over the edge of the bed. The blanket covered only his ass leaving also his legs bare.

 

Brad grinned and shook his head. He could have surprised him different way too but maybe the guitar was nice a nice change. Tossing the clothes from the chair he sat down and started to play. After getting the melody to what he wanted he closed his eyes to sing:

 

 

We swim against the rising waves and crash against the shore  
The body bends until it breaks, then sings again no more  
The winds have torn the flesh away, the early morning sings no more

 

 

After he was finished he was sure the drummer would be still sleeping and he would have to do it again. But instead there were two lovely brown eyes staring at him in awe when he opened his eyes.

 

"Didn't know you sing so well", Rob gave him an amazing smile and Brad just wanted to go and squeeze him cause he was so cute.

 

He yawned and continued, "And I didn't know this thing of yours included singing anyway."

 

"Well... Now it did. That's just something I wrote before we headed on the tour", the guitarist blushed just tiny bit. He wasn't the blushing type but he was still flattered. And hadn't really had half naked men in his own bed before.

 

"Mike should hear that", the other turned himself just slightly so he could see Brad better.

 

Brad laughed and shook his head, "No, he really shouldn't. Cause then he will make me sing on a record."

 

"And then I wouldn't have it only for myself. Okay, let's not tell Mike", the drummer laughed too.

 

Brad hanged the guitar back to its place and leaped on the bed. "Aaawwww Robbie! That's so cute when you say I'm yours."

 

"Well you are", Rob gasped when he felt Brad's cold hands on his bare back traveling around to his chest to hug him.

 

And then Brad's soft lips were on his neck making him smile.

 

"What do you wanna do today? I think I ask this all the time but... I just want that you're having good time. And when you're enjoying yourself then I am too", the guitarist whispered pressing his chin on the back of Rob's shoulder.

 

"Could we... Well maybe do something that a normal couple would do? Obviously we can't go to movies or have a dinner outside but maybe watch movies here?", Rob turned around throwing an arm over the guitarist.

 

Brad smiled and nodded, "Anything you want."

 

"But I need to get some clean clothes from my place today too", the drummer continued staring at Brad's eyes.

 

"Let's do that after breakfast. Then the rest of the day is just leisure", the guitarist nodded again.

 

"I need to go alone", Rob mumbled. He had no idea to what state he had left his house and he didn't want that there would be any surprises. Not like he would have anything real to hide but thinking about his house and Brad standing there made him feel horrible.

 

"Okay... Why?" the guitarist stroked his cheek.

 

"I don't know. But I'm not ready to show my house for you yet. It shouldn't take long so maybe you could wait in a car?" Rob sighed. He hated when he couldn't explain his feelings properly.

 

Brad leaned to kiss his forehead, "Like I said- anything your want."

 

Rob tried to smile but was worried anyway. Brad is trying so freaking hard and I am just being this... idiot, he thought.

 

"Don't", the guitarist shook his head and traveled his hand across Rob's chest.

 

"What?" Rob frowned.

 

Brad sighed. "I know that look. You're again thinking too much. Let it go okay?"

 

"I'm sorry", the guitarist mumbled, "I don't know how to chase the thoughts away. I try but..."

 

"Don't worry about it. There's nothing in the world you could say or do that would chase me away," Brad pushed his lips against Rob's.

 

Which was what always worked. The drummer was soon squirming mess under him.

 

"That's a one way to shut my mind completely", Rob whispered breathily.

 

"Really? So you're not thinking about dark stuff now?" Brad was amused.

 

"Well, a talk, dark and handsome one yes", the drummer blushed.

 

Brad laughed. "And your blushing isn't really... We'll stay here for all day if you keep doing that."

 

"Need clothes. I'm pretty sure I don't fit in your pants", the drummer rolled his eyes.

 

"Who needs clothes anyway..." the other grinned and suddenly his hand had already traveled down and under Rob's boxers waistband.

 

"Holy! You really don't know how to be discreet", Rob gasped when the long fingers wrapped around his member once again.

 

"You should know it by now", Brad laughed again kissing his neck and him making swallow hard.

 

Rob reached his arms over Brad's shoulders to pull him closer. Brad's other slender arm was on his side feeling the soft skin and muscles hiding under it.

 

The lust in Rob's eyes was calling Brad to focus on the trembling lips while his hand worked on the hard on. Licking and nibbling the upper lip he slowly pushed his tongue inside feeling a hand on the back of his neck tugging his curls. Stroking his hand rhythmically he elicited a moan from Rob's mouth that he adored so much. The waves of pleasure were drawing Rob farther away and he shut his eyes to enjoy.

 

"I love when you moan for me", Brad let his hot mouth travel along Rob's neck leaving tiny kisses behind and then back to his mouth more aggressively. Never minding his own throbbing cock he continued with his hand spreading the pre cum all over.

 

Suddenly there was a palm on his chest pushing him softly away. "If you don't stop now I'm coming", said the breathy voice.

 

"Do you wanna....?", he swallowed hard. Didn't plan this but... Who the fuck cares about planning, he thought.

 

"Yeah", the drummer blushed dropping his hand.

 

Brad turned around to get the lube and almost fell on his face cause he was so excited. Well horny mostly.

 

"Are you okay?", the drummer giggled looking at the other who held his own hand on the floor.

 

"Yup. That was... Awkward", he snorted and got up to search the drawer in the nightstand. Of course he had lubed always close.

 

Rob tried to hold his laughter in. Cause that was awkward but one more thing he loved in the guitarist.

 

Brad shook his head and tossed the tube on the bed and crawled in the bed to fuse their lips back together. Rob's hands were on his pajama pants tugging them down. Brad got finally the hint and helped him without breaking the kiss. He wouldn't really mind if they would just spent all day kissing. His eyes widened when he felt Rob's hand gripping his member.

 

"Rob!", he gasped making the other smile.

 

That was one thing but when the drummer grabbed the lube he was tiny bit taken aback. Being so used to be the one to act first he didn't really know what to do. But then the cool gel was on his hard on and soon followed by Rob's fingers and he moaned to the sensation. That's so hot, he thought.

 

"Fuuuck... I know you are..", he started but was shut down by the drummer who pulled his head down to kiss him again.

 

"Don't say it", Rob grinned then against his mouth.

 

"....good with drumsticks but....", Brad continued but was again shut down by the other.

 

Rob gnawed his bottom lip carefully, mumbling, "Just fuck me already."

 

Brad leaned up just to take look on the drummer. Rob was clearly just desperate to feel him those dark eyes sparking him up.

 

"Are you...", Brad wanted to be extra careful. Sure they had done it before but that doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt.

 

"Brad! Yes I am sure!", the drummer frowned which amused Brad greatly. Impatient much?, he thought.

 

Rob bit his own lip watching the guitarist adjust himself to better position before he pushed in slowly stopping in the midway. The burning feeling was more than just hurting. It was pure bliss and it made him wriggle and clasp his arm around Brad.

 

"You feel so fucking good", Brad mumbled giving him a soft kiss.

 

Rob's heart was pounding against his chest when the guitarist thrusted all the way in. The anticipation was killing him but he knew it would hurt so much more if they wouldn't take it slower than he wanted. Brad's flushed skin felt so amazing against his and he yearned for more.

 

Brad licked along the tendon on his neck and only then he realized he had been cringing. The guitarist dug his finger to his waist to push in in better angle.

 

"Holy fuck!" Rob yelped when Brad's cock brushed something inside of him.

 

"What was that?", the guitarist laughed. The look on Rob's face was incredible.

 

Rob gulped and smiled. "No idea but do it again."

 

Brad tilted his head and certainly obeyed. The drummer wrapped his legs around Brad squeezing almost too hard while the wet friction was driving him insane. Trying to push in the same angle he felt Rob arch his back and letting out a whimper. Brad took a sharp breath of air looking at the drummer who's eyes were radiating euphoria. He dipped down to press his lips against Rob's swallowing the whimpers and then again back up to look at the beautiful drummer.

 

Rob was already feeling the fire burning in his abdomen sending shivers up his spine and making his fingers tingle. The guitarist was reading his face expressions just perfectly and picked up the pace thrusting in harder each time. He ran his fingers down Rob's sides making him tickle slightly and further down his smooth stomach before closing his hand around the pulsing cock. The whine the drummer let out made him smile, but him trembling was getting too much. He tried to match his hand with his thrusts but it felt too good to focus perfectly do that task.

 

He was gasping for air when he once again hit the perfect spot and Rob pressed his legs harder against his sides. Pulling almost all the way out and back in with force he spilled his hot seed and watched the drummer crumble under him. Now he could focus to the quivering lips and leaning down he kissed Rob hard stroking his hand quicker. The drummer raked his hands in his hair not pulling put just keeping him there, their lips connected.

 

And all Rob really needed was the low growl "Come for me", that escaped from Brad's lips, and he splashed his cum all over their stomachs moaning to Brad's mouth. The guitarist collapsed on him breathing heavily, feeling totally spent. The rush of hot air on Rob's ear made him purr and squeeze the guitarist tighter against him.

 

"Are you alive?", Brad grinned after awhile cause the drummer hadn't moved at all.

 

"Yeah. Just barely", Rob trailed his hands down Brad's spine feeling every vertebra.

 

"That was...", the guitarist leaned up to look at the other man.

 

Rob's eyes were wide open. "Spectacular."

 

"Well I was going to say intense but that would work too", Brad smiled running his thumb across Rob's swollen lips.

 

"You know I could wake up like this every day", he mumbled staring at the dark pools that were glistening with delight and something he couldn't quite put his finger on.

 

"I really wouldn't mind it either", the drummer answered quietly.

 

And then Brad's phone started to ring and he sighed pulling away from the other man.

 

"What the fuck?", he groaned when he saw the caller was Mike.

 

Rob bursted into laughter.

 

"Mike really?! You bug us on the tour and now when it is our free day? What the fuck man! If you would have called ten minutes earlier I swear I would have come down there and kicked your ass!", the guitarist yelled to the phone.

 

"Well nice to hear from you too Bradford! What did I do now? Oh... Wait your with Rob. Shit I didn't....", the emcee apologized but started to laugh then.

 

"Argh! You really have the worst timing ever. Next time please, wait ten more minutes. What's up?", Brad rolled his eyes glancing back at the drummer who was laying on the bed naked and so freaking astonishing.

 

"I was just calling to notify that you have interview scheduled tomorrow with Rob. Chester would have been there instead of him but he isn't still in condition to talk. But he is better anyway", Mike told to him.

 

"You do remember that he is... well just a decoration in interviews?", Brad grinned making the drummer roll his eyes.

 

"Yeah yeah yeah... Anyway, you are going. I can't make it and Dave and Joe aren't even in the town", Mike sighed.

 

"Sure, text me the address and the time. We'll be there", the guitarist answered.

 

"Great. Thanks Brad. Have fun...", Mike laughed and closed the line when he heard Brad groan.

 

"What now? Interview?", Rob furrowed his brows when the guitarist sighed.

 

Brad tossed his phone back to the computer table and crawled back in the bed. "Yup. We have an interview tomorrow."

 

"Oh...kay ", Rob shrugged.

 

"Yeah.. Well, I think we should eat something and go then to get the clothes for you", he gave a small peck on Rob's nose. "Even though I could spend the whole day staring you naked."

 

"I could use some shower first. Don't appreciate the stickiness", Rob grinned.

 

"Let's do that", Brad kissed him and got up to get a towel for the drummer and clothes for himself.

 

After they had eaten Brad sought his car keys and they made the short drive to Rob's. The drummer got out from the car taking his bag with him and walked to the door. He had a housekeeper but her only jobs were to empty the mailbox and check that the house was still there and nobody had broken in.

 

Opening the door he felt instantly like choking. Every emotion he had felt back then came rushing to his mind battering the positive feelings down. He swallowed hard and walked quickly to the bedroom. He took an empty bag and tossed randomly shirts, socks, boxers and pants there. Then few hoodies and books he had chosen last time and he was already ready to leave. The bag he had had with him he left on the bed and would handle it later. Keeping his eyes focused to the front door he strode fast there not wanting to see anything else. From the coat rack he took a coat he had missed last time and then he pushed the door open.

 

Feeling like he could finally breathe he shriveled on the ground wailing. Brad, who had been waiting for him in the car, ran to him and pulled him on his lap.

 

"Rob! What happened?", he asked after the drummer had calmed tiny bit.

 

"I don't know. I just... I couldn't breathe", Rob cling to him still crying.

 

"Calm down okay?", Brad mumbled stroking his head.

 

"It was just cacophony of emotions I didn't want to feel anymore and I...", the drummer gasped his voice gloomy.

 

"Well you're not going back. At least not now. You got everything you needed, right?", Brad squeezed him.

 

Rob nodded against his shoulder and Brad sighed. Poor thing, he thought.

 

"Good. So let's get back to my place", he helped he other up and wiped away the tears that had made his eyes red.

 

Then he grabbed the bag and lead the drummer back to his car. Rob got in when Brad opened the door and exhaled heavily. Brad got also in glancing at the other.

 

"Don't look at me like that", Rob mumbled turning to face the side window.

 

"Like what?", the guitarist started the car and the headed away of the house.

 

Rob mumbled, "Like you pity me."

 

"It's not pity Rob. It's worry. And confusion", Brad sighed again shaking his head. "It's not like I could just shut it down. Or not look at you"

 

"Why?", the drummer asked turning back his head to look at the other. He didn't even want the other to stop feeling. But he couldn't bear that look when he interpreted it to be pity.

 

"Cause I love you", Brad's voice was stern but still a whisper.

 

\-----


	20. I can't convince you, to just believe this is real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez! Realized I hadn't published the chapter 18 at all! Well it is now added. Sorry! :(

\-------

 

Next day they were having just a normal day inside before they would head to the interview later. Brad had made some coffee and the drummer was sitting cross legged on his couch reading a book. That wasn't a surprise for Brad and he adored the sight. But the drummer hadn't really had talked after he had confessed his feelings. It really wasn't even a confession. Rob should have already realized the guitarist had strong feelings and wasn't playing with him.

 

"Here", he handed a cup of the black liquid magic for the drummer and sat beside him.

 

Rob nodded and gave him a quick smile before turning his eyes back to the book. And pushed his glasses with his index finger. The guitarist wanted to sigh but he didn't want to be annoying. He would have wanted to talk and hear what the drummer was thinking but maybe the other just needed some time. Instead he concentrated to study those beautiful features. The lips that were serious and the dark eyes that had so much emotions behind.

 

"Brad. You're staring at me again", the drummer slammed his book shut.

 

The other frowned cause of the tone. Rob was mad. "Yes I was. But... Why are you mad?"

 

He reached to touch the drummer but he stood up almost pouring the coffee on his lap. "I'm not mad."

 

"Oh yes you are. I haven't seen that look many times on your face but I do recognize it. Why?", Brad leaped after him.

 

"No I'm not", the drummer tried to leave but Brad grabbed his arm.

 

"Stop! And stop lying to me!", Brad grunted. Hate it when he won't talk, he thought.

 

But when he got the other to turn around it wasn't anymore pure anger. It was more like sadness laced with anger. And then the tears started to fall. Brad sighed and pulled him into a hug.

 

"Please talk to me okay? I want to know if I did something to make you this upset so I won't do it again", he whispered after a while and gently guided the drummer to sit back on the couch.

 

Rob muttered, "But that's it. Cause you can't say you love me. Next thing you will leave me alone. I know it."

 

Brad sighed heavily again and entwined their fingers. "No. I'm not going to leave you. I just said it out loud. It... it doesn't mean it is a new feeling. And I'm going to say it again, I love you Rob. I really, really do. A lot. So stop running. Cause there is nothing you can do that could chase me away. And I am saying that as many time as is needed so that you will believe it."

 

Rob wiped his eyes and wondered what he should say. He wanted to just let go but then there was this other voice telling that it would all fall apart anyway.

 

"Don't. You will draw blood next", Brad laughed little and pulled the lip free that the drummer was chewing. Another habit the drummer couldn't stop.

 

You're too good to me. Too good to be true", Rob said finally.

 

Brad shook his head smiling and pulled the hand he was holding to his lips. "And you're an idiot. And you think too much, again!" Wish I could just put all of his bad thoughts and emotions to a box and lock forever, he thought.

 

"Don't be so mean", the drummer said pouting but his eyes had gotten the sparkle back.

 

"I won't. If you try to stop the over analyzing and trust me", Brad tilted his head.

 

"I try. But... you know how hard it is when you second guess yourself all the time. And he others, what they think about you. I'm scared that I am not enough. That someday you get fed up and leave", the drummer mumbled.

 

"I don't, not really... But you can help me to understand. Cause I want to know what you feel", Brad smiled and leaned to kiss the tip of his nose.

 

"Okay...", Rob sighed.

 

The guitarist mumbled picking up some invisible lint from his shirt, "So was this the reason why you panicked then in the hotel room? Cause... they are just three little words but I kinda hope you feel the same."

 

"Yeah... And... Well I was afraid but I thought that if I said it out loud you will say it back just... for pity. And not really mean it", the drummer sighed again ready to escape.

 

"Aaaaand no Robbie. I don't do 'pity' really", Brad shook his head and climbed on the drummer's lap straddling him.

 

"Are you trying to distract me again?", the other laughed.

 

Brad laughed back and wrapped his arms around Rob's shoulders. "Well not really but I can do that too if you want."

 

"Or you're just horny", Rob shook his head.

 

"Well... Yeah", the other chuckled.

 

Rob smirked and played with Brad's curls. "Jeez..."

 

"You know I read this thing earlier today when you were having fun with your boring book", the guitarist nibbled his lip just to get a small taste.

 

"Don't mock my book. It isn't boring. What was that?" Rob rolled his eyes.

 

"We are like cocoa and marshmallows. You're hot and I wanna be on top of you", the other smirked like he had just told a great joke.

 

"Delson! I have one word for you.. cheeeeeesy", Rob laughed and kissed the now pouting lips.

 

The guitarist grabbed Rob's head to kiss him properly. "Well it's true anyway."

 

"But even though I would love to fuck you right now I think we should get ready for the interview. Don't worry, I will handle the talking. You can just concentrate on looking pretty", he mumbled against Rob's mouth.

 

"Right....", Rob rolled his eyes.

 

The guitarist tilted his head. "Seriously. So I can fuck you when we get back. Besides we didn't test the jacuzzi yet."

 

The other blushed furiously thinking about it. "Stop!"

 

"Yeah... Was getting tiny bit too excited", Brad smirked.

 

The drummer sighed heavily and smirked helping the other back up from his lap.

 

"But.. Are you better now? And not so afraid of the words?", Brad grabbed their cups and headed to kitchen to change the cold coffee to fresh, hot one.

 

"Better yeah. Takes some time to sink in. The words I mean", the drummer answered.

 

The answer satisfied Brad cause there was a smile with it. He knew that the blurt had been a bad idea. But then again if the feeling wouldn't have been mutual he had at least tried. Cause when Rob said it in the hotel room it had been even more of a blurt than when he himself said it. Maybe there was still truth behind the words. At least he wanted to believe so even though the drummer didn't say it straightforwardly. Will ask again. After the jacuzzi, he thought smirking.

 

"Would you like to make some food when we get back from the interview. It shouldn't take long. I don't really know how to cook but....", Brad asked sipping his fresh coffee.

 

Rob nodded smiling. "Sure. That could be fun. As long as you don't make me eat anything nasty."

 

"Don't know what is your nasty but I assume you will tell me", the guitarist laughed. It has to be something weird like pickles, onions, or... ice cream. Who doesn't love ice cream?, he thought.

 

The drummer laughed. "Well I need a change. The drive wasn't long right?"

 

"Yup. We should get going though", Brad answered kissing the other before letting him go.

 

Rob walked to the bedroom and searched his bag for clothes thinking about the talk. Brad had really startled him yesterday. The fact that there were deeper feelings was scary. He couldn't back down even if he wanted. He surely didn't though. But if there weren't deeper feelings from neither of them then maybe a sudden end wouldn't feel that bad. The guitarist earned every cent of his trust and he wanted to give it to him. He just wasn't sure was it possible. Letting go was scary too, even more scarier than the feeling that now had a proper name.

 

He got back to the living room after he had changed and was greeted by the guitarist who was pulling his coat on. "Ready?"

 

"Yup!", he nodded and got his own coat and followed him to the car.

 

The interview was done on an local magazine's headquarters and the drive there was over quickly. Brad was in a good mood despite the previous conversation. He felt like it was a step forward.

 

"Hello, nice to meet you both. Glad you made it. I am Alice Thornton", a pretty thirty something year old woman greeted them.

 

She had pixie cut dyed in deep purple, very subtle makeup and wore black jeans and a t-shirt with a logo Brad didn't recognize. They sat down on a bright red couch and Brad crossed his legs feeling so weird that he couldn't touch the other.

 

"So! If it is fine for you both I would like to start with the questions. You had a small European tour tour and after a while you are heading back there. And Madison Square Garden! How do you feel about the tour now when you look back?", she smiled looking at them both after pressing a play on a recorder.

 

"We love touring. Meeting the fans, playing shows, seeing different cities and countries. Only thing missing is home and the friends here in States. Madison was of course amazing", Brad answered shortly smiling.

 

"I believe you had a problem in UK? You had to replace Mr. Bourdon for one show?", she read from his notepad.

 

"Yes. Mr. Bourdon was sick and the doctor ordered him to stay in bed. It was once show and the bass technician did fill the place very well. We will be scheduling a new show there anyway", Brad answered again, feeling now that the woman was trying to dig up something there wasn't even buried. Except their relationship but no way in hell she could know about it.

 

"And now your singer is sick and you cancelled two shows? How does that really feel? All of you others are ready to play and then someone can't. And then fans are disappointed", she said.

 

"It happens. We are humans after all. And if you want you can look online to see how many shows we have cancelled. I think the number is between ten and fifteen now and third of them weren't even cause of some member was sick. Last year Chester broke a wrist during a show and we continued the show still. We will make it up to the fans as I said", Brad answered feeling slightly annoyed.

 

"How about you, Mr. Bourdon? How did it feel when the others played a show without you? You are a member of a band anyway...", the woman tilted his head.

 

Rob cleared his throat. "Well.. Of course I didn't like it. I wanted to be there too. But I really didn't have a choice. The doctor said that if I would have even made it through the show I could have gotten worse. So I just hoped that the fans will forgive me and the substitute drummer wouldn't mess up."

 

"And I heard he played excellently. So my next question would be that what do you do in your free time. Like now when Mr. Bennington is sick", she moved to other subject.

 

"We... It depends where we are but the normal stuff. Like, TV, movies, games, books. You know, boring things", Brad laughed. And fucking. Which is so not boring with Rob, he thought.

 

"Is there something in the past tour cycle that you regret? Like not visiting a city you would have wanted or dropping a song from the set list you love to play?" she stared again the notepad.

 

"Well... Nothing like that. Those come and go. If we missed a city we probably play there on next tour. But I do regret one certain fight. I feel bad about it still. It really could have been avoided if I would have been more careful before it blew up. Hopefully the other person hears this and understands how sorry I am", Brad answered feeling a slight bump on his leg. When he glanced Rob his look told everything he needed and the warmth spread to his heart.

 

"Oh... I see the time flies! I want to thank you both for giving this brief interview. Would you mind if I would take a photo? I'm not a professional but would be nice to add something to the article. Which I hope I get to publish later today already", she asked grabbing her phone.

 

Brad glanced at Ron who nodded his acceptance. The woman took the picture, thanked them again and lead them out from the building.

 

"Lucky it was so quick", the guitarist smiled when they get back to his place.

 

Rob nodded. "I was just thinking that she would next ask why I was sick when she suddenly changed the subject."

 

"I'm so happy it wasn't anything serious then", the other brushed his arm.

 

"So... How about the cooking, movie and maybe something involving bubbly, hot water?", he continued.

 

"Sounds like a plan. But no onions in the food!", Rob sat down on the couch.

 

Brad rolled his eyes. "I knew it."

 

\------


	21. Without a sense of confidence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just fluffffff

\-----

 

"Any better today?", Brad sat next to the drummer weirded out that he was scrolling something with his phone and not reading a book.

 

"Dunno. Maybe", Rob muttered not turning his head.

 

Brad leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Doesn't matter what you think. You know how I feel anyway. I'm here."

 

"Stop", the other started but couldn't help the smile that was tugging his lip.

 

"But what are you doing?" Brad collapsed next to him leaning to his shoulder.

 

"Well, I went to look up the interview. Just... don't know. Maybe I was afraid that the interviewer would have added something else to it", Rob glanced down to him.

 

"And?", the guitarist arched his brow and tried to read the screen.

 

Rob shifted slightly and cleared his throat. "The interview was fine, she didn't add anything or so. But the comments in Facebook and Twitter..."

 

"Babe! You shouldn't read any comments in social media! You know how mean people can be", Brad groaned.

 

"It's not bad but... It's weird", Rob shook his head.

 

The guitarist grabbed the phone from Rob's hand to look at the one he was talking about.

 

"Well look at them! They would be such a cute couple" it said.

 

"Oh... Uhmmmm... I see. It is weird. But true too. Look at us!", he chuckled scrolling to the photo the interviewer had added. He is so cute. We are, together, he thought.

 

"But....", Rob sighed and tried to get his phone back.

 

"No but's. That's just some fan girls talking, totally innocent. Okay? Do you want me to distract your thoughts or...", the guitarist held the phone in his grasp but leaned to trail his hand under Rob's shirt.

 

But then his hand happened to catch something different from the normal skin and Rob inhaled sharply. He didn't move cause he didn't know how to react. The drummer had frozen completely. He remained silent for a long time before he swallowed and tried to get his words out.

 

"Uhm... I really don't know what should I do next. Should I apologize and pull my hand off and change the subject? Or.. act like nothing happened? So... Guess I am asking what do you want me to do?", he spoke softly.

 

"Don't", the drummer answered barely audibly.

 

He was trying to get used to the feeling. The long slim fingers on the scars that he hadn't forget. Brad stayed completely still waiting the other to continue. Was it 'don't touch' or 'don't move', the guitarist didn't know.

 

"I.... can't run. I think. Cause it isn't like they are going to disappear", the drummer finally said.

 

Brad smiled carefully staring at him. "I agree. Do you... want me to stop then?"

 

"No. Not really...", Rob mumbled still not turning his head.

 

Brad moved his fingers slowly. The ridges could have been thinner if they had been stitched. They wrinkled weirdly under his finger almost like resisting the touch. But they were softer than he had thought. He watched carefully Rob's face, waiting for signs to tell him to stop but he didn't get any.

 

"I'm sorry that I... Sure I have seen you naked but never placed my hand on the scars accidentally like that", Brad sighed and pulled his hand away.

 

Rob shook his hand and sunk his fingers to Brad's curls. "Don't worry about it. I just have to get used to it. Since we are together."

 

The guitarist smiled now wider glad that the other didn't panic. Guess that's some progress too, he thought.

 

"Do you... like.... is it childish? You know since were grown ups and like that. I'm not supposed to do something like that anymore, right? It's what teenagers do. Not adult people with... well more adult problems", the drummer mumbled.

 

"Robbie.... No. You shouldn't even think that. No one can tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Or feel. Would it be more 'adult' to drown them into booze? Or drugs? It's just... One mechanism to deal with stuff you didn't know how to deal with otherwise. Right? I'm not... I don't want to sound like shrink, just trying to figure out what goes inside of that thick skull of yours", Brad sighed laying now on the couch head on Rob's lap.

 

He grabbed Rob's arm and pulled it on his chest staring at the worried eyes.

 

"Gosh I love you so much. You really don't have an idea.... I would never ever let anything bad happen to you. But when the bad is in your head... I don't know how can I protect you from it", he whispered.

 

"You said it again", the drummer stated.

 

"I did. And I will say it way more often so get used to it. Which I told you yesterday", Brad raised his hand in his lips and kissed the knuckles softly.

 

The drummer sighed, "You're stubborn."

 

"Remember the one night in the crappy hotel. Just after we slept in the bus together and you tried to explain it to Joe who was acting weird and being suspicious. I told you that I feel like you're the light chasing out the darkness in me. I meant it. I meant it then, but I do still think the same", he continued.

 

"And I would give anything to do it", Brad reached to fondle his cheek.

 

"But you are already doing it. Like... Right now. I just hope you don't disappear before I am ready. Or rather ever", Rob kissed the palm.

 

The guitarist's lips curled to a soft smile. "Ready? It doesn't mean you're anymore half or partial than others even though you have darkness inside of you. And I think I already told you I'm not going anywhere. Which I think makes you more stubborn than me. Or maybe you're just daft..."

 

"Delson! Stop mocking me or I'll kick your ass", the drummer chuckled.

 

"See? You're as whole as we others too", Brad laughed back.

 

The drummer shook his head and grabbed his phone back finally.

 

"But now I will go and call Mike so he doesn't bother us later. Hope we don't need to cancel more shows and Chester is better already", the guitarist jumped up.

 

"You know... I do love playing and touring but... I still would want to stay here", Rob cringed.

 

Brad smiled pulling out his phone from his pocket. "I know you do. And I think we all feel like home is the best place to be, even when you can travel and work with your best friends."

 

"No, I meant here. With you", the drummer mumbled.

 

"Aaaawwww Bourdie!", Brad jumped to his lap straddling him.

 

"Are you going to be all cheesy again? Cause I will push you on the floor", Rob rolled his eyes.

 

"No.... You're just so cute", the guitarist mumbled and kissed him.

 

Rob moaned when the rigid tongue pushed in between his lips exploring and invading. His hands had trailed down to squeeze Brad's ass and the guitarist was pushing against him harder. Brad loved how again the drummer was a wriggling mess under him even when he had gained most of his strength and muscle back and could easily turn the situation other way around.

 

"Love that you have gained most of your muscles back already", he mumbled amongst the kiss.

 

"Are you calling me fat, again? At least I am not as scrawny as you are", the drummer joked back sticking his tongue out.

 

"Yeah... But you were", Brad smiled sadly and held his cheeks so that he could connect their lips again. "And I am not letting you fall back to that. But now I will make the call. Otherwise we'll be here till the sun sets."

 

He got up and went to make coffee while he called the emcee.

 

"How is he?"

 

"Way better. I think there's no need to cancel more shows", the emcee sounded happy.

 

"Great!"

 

"Do you mind if I stop by there soon? You're home right?"

 

"No I don't mind. Rob is here too", Brad glanced over his shoulder.

 

"Okay, will be there in a few", the emcee hung up.

 

"Mike is coming to stop by. Don't know why but don't think it would bother you?", he told then for the drummer.

 

"Okay. I don't mind", Rob smiled picking up the book he had left on the table.

 

He felt like he was at home and the guitarist had noticed that he had left items here and there. It didn't bother him but quite the opposite. He adored it. The book that was neatly placed on a table bookmark marking the place where the drummer would continue. Then the glasses that could be anywhere if they weren't shielding his pretty eyes. Brad smiled feeling his heart beat faster when he thought about the drummer and his small habits that he had got to know so well.

 

Soon the coffee was ready and as Brad was pouring it to their mugs the emcee stumbled in.

 

"Hello!", he smiled. "This... God I still feel weird."

 

Brad rolled his eyes while he brought Rob's coffee to him. "Yeah well... I think it would be easier to you... for the whole band if you would get used to it."

 

Mike stared at the two now sitting on the couch. They looked happy. Like... newly wed happy. He was really, genuinely glad that they were. He didn't really know what he would have done if Rob wouldn't have gotten better. Now when he looks back it could have ended way worse. They were lucky that Brad had noticed it.

 

"Well I didn't really mean that but... Rob sitting on your couch and you bringing him coffee and others not here and Chester being sick and.. Wait. That isn't a weird thing... ", he answered.

 

Brad wasn't paying attention to him at all. Instead he was trying to annoy the drummer by poking his ribs and nibbling his ear.

 

"Aaaaand this. Fuck", the emcee tried not to blush but did anyway.

 

"Well that too but I am pretty sure you don't need to think about it", Brad chuckled.

 

"Brad!", Rob pushed the laughing guitarist away.

 

Mike couldn't help but to laugh while he covered his eyes with his fingers. The couple would cause him a heart attack some day.

 

"So tell me about the interview. How did it go?" he shook his head and changed the subject.

 

Rob let the guitarist crawl under his arm and handle the talking. He was more than just comfortable like that.

 

\-----


	22. I'm breaking the habit tonight

\-------

 

He was happy that there had been a bump in the road making the bus jump and rattle cause it woke him up. The nightmare wasn't worst he had seen but just enough to make him anxious and not wanting to continue sleeping. Rubbing his eyes he pulled the curtain aside and jumped to the floor. Sighing he stopped to listen. Everything was silent except the bus noises and Dave snoring so he grabbed a book and fetched a soda before heading to the couch area back on the bus.

 

They still had some hours to drive and then sure the whole day before the show so he would try sleeping again when they would be on the destination. After spending so many days together with the guitarist and not playing any shows it was weird to get back on the road. He shook his head and started reading. Concentrating to the story seemed to work and soon he wasn't thinking anymore the dream. The steady humming of the bus eased his nerves and next he wasn't even aware of his surroundings.

 

"Hey! Do you hear me?", Brad was suddenly in front of him, staring.

 

"Oh. Sorry, didn't see you. What's up?", he smiled to the groggy guitarist.

 

Brad shook his head and walked to sit on the couch. "I woke up and you weren't there so I came to seek you. Why are you here?"

 

"I saw a nightmare and then didn't want to get back to sleeping. Sorry I woke you up too. You can go back. I'll read a while", the drummer nodded.

 

"Tell me about it?", Brad crawled close to Rob letting his head fall to his lap. It was his new favorite place to be in.

 

Rob smiled at the act and shifted so that the guitarist was more comfortable. "It was really nothing. Just a silly thing."

 

"Well it was something if you didn't want to continue the sleep? Robbie...", the guitarist persuaded him.

 

"Okay....it's really boring but if you insist....", Rob rolled his eyes looking down at the guitarist who was playing with his pajama pant strings just totally casually.

 

"So I was walking in a forest. Like on a trail that lead to somewhere. I didn't know where I was but I thought that it wouldn't matter since the trail was so clear. I would be somewhere eventually. But suddenly it came totally dark and I could barely see my own feet. It was scary. You know how it goes in your dreams even when in normal life you could rationalize it... Anyway I just walked forward. And then I heard this noise behind me. It was something like a furniture screeching against the floor and a heavily breathing animal.", he stopped and swallowed.

 

"When I turned around I could easily see yellow glowing eyes but they weren't that close. I panicked and started to run. I didn't know what it was but sure the first instinct was to run and I thought that I could get away. The noise got quieter and quieter and I thought I was safe. But when I stopped and turned to look the eyes were closer, only some feet away. I stumbled on my feet and then the noise came back. Louder, way louder than last time. In the dream I felt like my heart was tearing apart that was how much I panicked. I ran again and then I woke up", he told mumbling the last part.

 

Brad nodded stopping to think. After a while he sighed. "But are you okay now? That sounds really bad. Like... I don't know. I thought dreams are supposed to be your subconscious like trying to tell you something."

 

"Yeah. Just couldn't sleep anymore cause the distressing feeling stayed even when I woke up. It isn't even the worst nightmare I have seen. Just... Dunno. Weird", Rob answered letting Brad to pull him down to a kiss.

 

"Well, next time wake me up too okay? I don't want you to deal with the emotions alone like you normally try to do", Brad whispered just inch away from Rob's lips.

 

"If you insist", Rob rolled his eyes again.

 

"Yes. Now you go ahead and read the book. I'll stay here", the guitarist smiled.

 

Rob picked up the book that he had tossed aside and got back on reading. But soon the brown eyes scrutinizing him were getting under his skin and he groaned.

 

"Delson! You're again staring at me!", he frowned just as the singer joined them and moved the book so that Brad couldn't stare at his face.

 

"What are you two doing?", Chester yawned crashing on the other side of the couch.

 

Brad laughed at the drummer who was obviously annoyed. "Nothing really. He had a nightmare and when I woke up he was here reading. We talked and now he is reading again."

 

"Why is he looking weird?", Chester asked swinging his legs up and laying down.

 

Brad shrugged. "That's his reading face."

 

"Hey I'm kinda here you know?", Rob moved the book so that he could stare at the guitarist.

 

"Yay! The view got better again", Brad grinned.

 

Rob smacked him with the book making him giggle. "Stop being so freaking annoying!"

 

"You two are so cute that I can almost literally see unicorns and rainbows", Chester waved his hand in the air laughing.

 

The drummer turned his gaze to him. "Don't really know is that good or bad thing. Or maybe you're hallucinating?"

 

The singer laughed again shaking his head vigorously. "No seriously. Cute is good. I'm glad that you found each other."

 

Brad glanced to look at the drummer like saying: "See? I told you so."

 

"Do you have any future plans? Like... We have only few shows left and then few months off. And... what about then? Do you... Gosh this is so exciting!", the singer's thoughts were traveling.

 

The guitarist snorted. "Hold on Chaz, you're really getting ahead of things."

 

"Yeah... Well, all I need to do is to find a new house in the three months minus some days we have free time", Rob turned his gaze back to the book.

 

"Aww Robbie, that's boring! You need to do something together!", Chester suggested even more excited.

 

"You forget that we happen to be in a band called Linkin Park which isn't that small... Really not good thing to let the press know about our relationship", Brad shook his head.

 

Chester fell on to his thoughts which was kinda scary to Rob cause he knew the singer too well. He was planning something and that could be good or bad. Probably more bad than good.

 

"Rob... New house? Why?", Brad asked softly poking his navel.

 

Rob sighed. "You saw why. I don't want to be there. I don't really even know how am I able to go there to pick up my stuff. All the furniture... I don't need all but there are some I do want to keep"

 

"Right... How about my place?", the guitarist said when the drummer grabbed his wrist so that he would stop the poking.

 

"You are not really suggesting that I move in with you?", the drummer gasped in surprise.

 

The singer was now staring at them eyes wide with excitement. Which was way more than before, and way more annoying too. He wasn't saying anything though, more like holding his breath and waiting for Rob to say something.

 

"Well... Yeah. Cause why would you get your own house? We are so rarely at home that it would go to waste anyway. You can do that when you get fed up with me. Right?", Brad arched his brows.

 

And now there were two pairs of eyes staring at him waiting for an answer. Suddenly it felt like he was being proposed to or something really serious and it was all too sudden and...

 

"Rob... Oh no. Chester can you leave us for a moment?", Brad noticed the change instantly.

 

The singer skittered back to his bunk thinking that it was his fault. Idiot, he mocked himself inwardly. He just wanted them to be happy but still didn't know how to deal with the drummer and his emotions. Certainly it wasn't his intention to cause any problems.

 

Brad got up and crawled on Rob's lap straddling him. His another favorite place to be in.

 

"You know I didn't try to push you?", he whispered.

 

Rob sighed heavily when the guitarist kissed the lonely tear off of his cheek. "Yes. Sorry, you know how I am. I just got suddenly all unsure.... and.... Brad I'm sorry."

 

The guitarist pressed his lips against Rob's and wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

 

"So.... I still love you if you say no", Brad nuzzled Rob's nose. "It doesn't even matter where your stuff are. I just want to spent all the time possible with you. Or if you don't like my house we can get a new one. Or if you like you could get your own room."

 

"Brad no, I... God. I want to be with you. Like really be with you, cause I love you. I don't need my own room. Oh wait... I do for the drums. But, I just got anxious when it came so suddenly. Even... then I can't think that we just go to our own houses and.. well I can't even think going to mine but even in new one and then just...", the drummer was blabbering but Brad's face lit up.

 

"Bourdie!", he pushed the drummer on to his back and then got on top of him hugging him as hard as he could.

 

"Hey! Even though you're that skinny you could still break some bones! What the heck are you doing?", Rob frowned but chuckled then when the enthusiastic guitarist drowned him to wet kisses.

 

Brad laughed feeling happy but also victorious. "You said it! Accidentally I think but you did anyway!"

 

Rob's brows furrowed more cause he certainly didn't understand what the other was talking about.

 

"You said you love me", the guitarist breathed his smile spreading from ear to ear.

 

Rob rolled his eyes and laughed. "Guess I did." 

 

"And you can't take it back now. I'm keeping it", the other grinned connecting their lips again.

 

"But I'm not saying it again!", Rob mumbled amongst the kisses.

 

Brad chuckled again trailing his hands under Rob's shirt "Yes you will, eventually! Just when I least expect..."

 

"Oh fuck off....", Rob groaned still smiling and wrapping his arms around the other.

 

"Oh my god my eyes!!", there was suddenly a yell in the corridor.

 

They both bursted into laughter when they saw Joe covering his eyes and turning on his heels. One person that isn't as used to them as the others. But he had all the time in the world to do it.

 

\-------


	23. Forget the wrong that I've done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, noticed that I hadn't updated this yet. So, two chapters at once this and then the 24.

\--------

 

The hotel room was rather fancy and also the view was crazy. He always wondered how people were able to live in these skyscrapers. Even looking out from the building made him feel slightly dizzy. But the night sky and the million of city lights were breathtaking.

 

Rob let himself fall on to the bed and groaned. First of the two shows over in the same city and he was exhausted. They had had lots of fun but his back didn't like it. Or maybe the back didn't like the break and playing after it was thus harder. 

 

Neither of them hadn't brought up the moving after the talk in the tour bus. Rob didn't really try to avoid the subject he just didn't want to talk about it. And he felt bad. Not for Brad, cause he understood him but for Chester. The singer was obviously thinking about it still. Glaring at him occasionally and then disappearing inside his head.

 

So he decided to confront him and talk. Without the guitarist. First time he would try this since.... well, ever. Not that he didn't want help from the eager guitarist but he wanted to try to talk about his emotions to other people too. It would go either well or bad. But he wouldn't die. And if it would go bad Brad was there to help him afterwards. At least he hoped so.

 

So now he waited for the guitarist to finish his shower and leave to an interview with the emcee. Dave had disappeared somewhere with the deejay and Chester said he would be napping. Rob wouldn't mind nap either. His eyelids didn't want to stay open and he found himself on the verge of sleeping.

 

"I hope after the next break starting a tour isn't going to be this tiring", he mumbled.

 

A squeak on the bathroom door startled him. "Did you say something?"

 

"I'm tired. Why am I so tired", he shook his head and glanced at the guitarist with only one eye open.

 

Brad arched his brow smiling. "Well... It isn't at least my fault. Not his time." His hair was dripping water on the surprisingly clean fitted carpet.

 

Rob shook his head and rolled his eyes. "You're incurable pervert."

 

"But Robbie... Why do you think that?", Brad smirked and jumped on the bed on top of him.

 

"Do you really have to ask that?", the drummer breathed when Brad's lips were just inch away from his and he could feel the hot breath on his skin.

 

Brad smirked biting Rob's bottom lip. "Sure I do."

 

"You know you're doing it again. If I am thinking too much then your 'thing' is to distract me", Rob rolled his eyes feeling shivers run down his spine when the guitarist's hand stroked his cheek.

 

"Or maybe there is slight chance that you are just so hot that I can't keep my hands off of you?", Brad chuckled. Cause really the truth was there, perfectly in the middle of those two.

 

"Or maybe you don't want to go to the interview", Rob gave a small kiss on his nose.

 

"Well... I can think something better to do than to go that stupid interview. I don't even understand why it is so freaking late. Tomorrow would have been way better", the guitarist mumbled.

 

"Oh... I think that would be an excuse", Rob muttered trailing his hand down Brad's bare back.

 

The other laughed. "Good one I think. But Mike will kill me if I don't show up. I don't think it is that worth it."

 

"Aaaaaaw, that's mean", Rob pouted mischievously.

 

"Stop the pouting instantly. Or I have to stay. And you know Mike and his timing... Just keep that thought, it shouldn't take more then hour anyway", Brad whispered to his ear pushing their groins together.

 

"That's mean too", Rob stuck his tongue out when the guitarist crawled away and started to get his clothes on.

 

Brad shook his head not waiting to get back from the interview. It was going to happen in the restaurant of the hotel so he would be back in no time.

 

"I'll be off now. If you fall asleep I can wake you up, right?", Brad kissed his cheek before leaving.

 

Rob sighed and got up after the guitarist had closed the door. He felt like a teenager hiding a secret even though he would tell it all afterwards. He just needed to do this alone and learn to talk with people. He got out of the room too making sure he had keys with him and knocked the door that he believed to be Chester's.

 

"Oh Robbie!", the singer was surprised to see the drummer stand behind the door.

 

"Could we talk?", Rob asked.

 

Chester gestured him to get inside a soft smile spreading to his face sitting on an armchair. Rob sat on the couch and let his eyes wander across the room. It was identical to theirs. He couldn't pick up a single thing that looked different. They sat in silence long time before the singer spoke.

 

"So... What's up?", Chester asked finally.

 

"Well... I suck at this. Uhm... You know the talk in the bus. I just wanted to say that it wasn't your fault that I went all weird. I just.... it came so suddenly", Rob scratched his head.

 

"Oh... Okay. Well I guessed it. But it still was kinda my fault you know? Cause I suggested it", Chester tilted his head smiling compassionately.

 

Rob shook his head. "Not really. We would have had the conversation at some point anyway. I hope you don't feel too bad about it. It's just... I try to justify it by thinking this is all new for me. Like... every time I panic. It is new, that's true. But I just need to do something else than panic when something like that happens. I can't... well I just do that. I can't direct my thoughts to elsewhere. It is so natural to freak out."

 

"I think... That you think too much. That's a natural reaction. You haven't had a boyfriend before. You used to be friends long time before this. And you are bandmates. That's already three things that would mess up anyone's head", Chester laughed his bubbly laughter and stood up to get also on the couch.

 

"That's what Brad says too. That I think too much. I hope it is also a good thing, but sometimes it just pulls me under", the drummer mumbled.

 

"You need to be also more merciful to yourself. Making mistakes is normal. You can't blame yourself from every single thing. Or beat yourself up when you make a mistake. We all do them. You just learn and try to not do it again. Some of us, like me, do the mistakes ten times before we learn. That's really the best you can do. Beating yourself up always doesn't lead to anything. Nor does falling in a darkness. And sorry if I stepped out of a line here", Chester told him but stopped then when the other looked shocked.

 

"No... I think you're right. It just sounds so easy. But it is still easier to fall back to the same thinking pattern", Rob smiled sadly leaning back.

 

"Of course it is. That's how the human mind works. We fall to the same patterns cause changing ourselves is harder. We get obsessed and addicted cause it is easier than to find something else. That's why when something new for us happens... is forced to happen, our first instinct is to run. Some fight for it, some hide, but running is easiest", the singer sighed.

 

"Well... now you're talking about yourself. I think. See I don't do 'addiction'. I don't drink that much, nor do drugs. Gambling... Not that either. That's an addiction too, right?", Rob cringed still agreeing with the singer though.

 

"I kinda was talking about myself... But I think we all have our addictions. Some have addictions that destroys lives around them. Some have addictions that destroys only their own life. And leave visible scars", Chester said quietly and gave him a meaningful look.

 

"Oh... Right", Rob swallowed hard realizing that the other was talking literally about his scars.

 

Chester stared at him for a while thinking what should he say next. "So how is that going? I don't want to question too much but... you are important to us others too. Not just for Brad."

 

The drummer bit his lip staring at the green curtains. He didn't want to talk about it. But it didn't mean that he shouldn't. Or didn't need to.

 

"Okay I guess. I.... well I thought I hadn't had urges but I guess thinking about is as bad. I miss it", he mumbled feeling horrible to admit it.

 

Chester nodded fiddling with a wrinkle on his pants. "It takes time. You know. That you don't think it anymore so often. Missing it... Well I think that is normal too. That's what addictions too. They mess up your head. And you probably miss more the relief after it. Which doesn't even last that long, right? Drugs are the same. You really just drown yourself into the numbness. To something else so that you wouldn't have to deal with the actual emotions and situations. But in the end you just give more space for the void to spread. So don't give in okay? It's really a vicious circle. And I know this is a cliche, it really is. But it is still true."

 

Rob sighed shifting. "So what do you suggest? I tossed the blade but..."

 

"I wish I would have solutions to these kind of situations. I battle with my addictions still. Not daily, but they are still constantly reminding me. Telling me that if I would start to use again it would make me happy. They remind of all the funny stuff that happened, how loved I was. But then I remember it was just an illusion. And really, all the shit that followed.. Not worth it. But you... I don't know. Even when cutting is an addiction as are drugs, I think we have slightly different reasons to start. Not much, but still. We just need to work on the feelings that make you do it", the singer smiled.

 

"We?", Rob arched his eyebrow.

 

"Yes we. We are in this together. As a band and as friends. Even if you wouldn't be together with Brad. Sure it was he who noticed first that something was up but as I said you are important to us others too. So we will figure out together what we should do", Chester grabbed him to a hug making him blush furiously.

 

"Okay okay! You don't need to squeeze me to death!", the drummer groaned when the singer just held him not letting go.

 

"If you promise that you will talk with me before you do anything stupid. If you can't talk with Brad. Or else I won't let you go", Chester grinned but his voice has serious undertone.

 

"Okay! I promise!", Rob chuckled pushing the other away from him.

 

The singer nodded letting him go and watched him to leave the room. Rob got back to his own just in time. He had gotten a book to his hands when the door opened and Brad got in.

 

"Hey", the guitarist smiled.

 

"How did it go?", Rob asked nervous that he would have to tell about the talk with Chester.

 

"Good. Why are you being weird?", Brad frowned.

 

Rob rolled his eyes. "Don't know how you even noticed that. I went to talk with Chaz about the thing in the bus the other day."

 

"Oh?", Brad sat down.

 

"I just wanted to make clear that it wasn't his fault that I acted like that. And I wanted to do it alone. Cause... well you know how I am. And I need to be more open. I think. At least try. So...", the other mumbled.

 

"Okay... I could have still been with you even if you would have wanted to do the talking. But that's good too. I'm proud of you that you did it. How did that go?", the guitarist smiled holding his hand.

 

"Fine I think. We talked about the cutting and he said it is an addiction. And he made me promise that if I can't tell you I would have to tell him if I got the urge. I didn't even know he is that smart. He got all philosophical and stunned me really. He is really kind you know?", Rob nodded.

 

"He is. Sure the whole band is but there is something special in him. He cares so much", the other tilted his head smiling. "So the over all conversation went well and you are feeling good?"

 

"Yup. Won't be doing it again in a while though. My poor nerves didn't like it at all", the drummer frowned.

 

"Good. So where were we before I left...", Brad grinned and pushed him on the bed.

 

"Yeah, what did I tell you earlier....", Rob chuckled when the hands started to open his pants.

 

\------


	24. I can't wait to see to tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is coming to the ends. Two more chapters to go after this. So freaking hard to let go, every time :(

\-----

 

Once again a show was over and they were getting their few belongings to the bags and carrying them in the bus that was waiting behind the hotel. The two shows they played there had been amazing and they were now energized and ready for the last two shows before break and heading to Europe and summer festivals.

 

Mike was babbling even more than usually which made the drummer roll his eyes. He wasn't annoyed, just amused. The emcee was usually like this after big shows. Rob walked with them to the bus Brad just few steps from him. Chester followed them last as usually and chuckled as he walked. Finally they were on the safe of the bus and Brad could kiss the drummer. He had hard time keeping his hands off of him in the public places but he did it cause it was best thing to do.

 

"What's so funny?", Mike laughed at the singer who was still chuckling and staring his phone.

 

Chester shook his head hiding the phone. "Nothing."

 

"Okay, let me see it", the half Asian persuaded him making Dave glance at the others grinning. They knew what was coming, they had seen many times where this kind of interaction leads to between the two vocalists.

 

"Chester!", Mike groaned growing frustrated.

 

"It was nothing I swear!", the singer laughed and run to the back of the bus like he could escape, causing Mike sprint after him and the others burst into laughter.

 

Brad stared at Rob savoring the moment and admiring his beautiful smile he wished to see more often. The smile that made him weak on the knees and his heart race. In unison they walked to the bunks Brad tossing their bags to his which had now been just a storage since they still rather slept in one tiny bunk. One would say it was uncomfortable but it was soon forgotten when their limbs tangled together and Brad could lean his head on Rob's broad chest. Even thinking about waking up next to the other made Brad smile.

 

Rob found quickly his book and walked back on the bus Brad following him. Back there Mike had already gotten the phone from the singer. Chester was giggling and holding his stomach while the half Asian was blushing furiously. Dave shook his head and picked up two game controllers throwing the other for Joe. Rob sat on the couch frowning at Chester and giving some room for the guitarist. Brad crawled into his other favorite spot, laying his head on Rob's lap.

 

The drummer hid his smile behind the book. He was so used to this. Everything else than Brad being there with him. Now thinking about the future wasn't boring. It was scaring and new but also exciting. He didn't know what was coming and he felt that as long as the guitarist was with him there it could all work out just fine. Of course there was the voice in the back of his mind making sure it was getting heard too, especially since the Europe was next and it was so far away from home. But he didn't listen to the voice as much as before.

 

After the talk with Chester he had thought a lot. And not just dwelled in the dark thoughts. He wanted to think more how he could improve his well being and taking the most out of everything. Being afraid that it would take really long time he knew he needed to talk with Brad too. Even though he trusted Brad and believed he wouldn't leave him just like that, he wanted to make it clear that he still needed time and would have the panic reactions in the future too. And urges to cut. Which he hated but he knew they aren't leaving him anytime soon.

 

"Anybody home?", Brad joked knocking at the hard cover of the book making Rob lift it so he could see the other.

 

"Kinda. What now?", the drummer asked setting the book aside.

 

Brad shook his head. "Nothing really. Wanted to see your pretty face. You didn't turn a page in a while so I wondered."

 

"I'm fine. Really. Was just thinking about the break", Rob tilted his head playing with Brad's curls.

 

"I know I need a hair cut soon. What about that?", the guitarist chuckled.

 

"Moving in with you. I would like to do that if you are fine with it still", the other smiled.

 

"Oh am I fine with it! Sure as hell. Absolutely. So I can spend twenty four hours a day with you", Brad breathed a happy smile spreading on his face.

 

"You do that already though", the drummer laughed.

 

Brad shook his head. "Yeah but in private too. And to be honest I want to share everything with you. Relationship is one thing, but living with someone... Seeing him even on the worst moments."

 

"I think you have seen my worst moments too", Rob frowned a smirk spreading on his face.

 

"And now you are being an ass. You know what I mean", the guitarist chuckled.

 

Rob sighed smiling. "Yes I do. Sharing this all isn't same as sharing what happens between the touring. Besides I am more nervous to leave the continent now. I still hate flying and new countries... It's so easy here in States."

 

"I know Robbie. But it's only one month... Even if when the country is new almost every night", Brad grabbed his hand to his own kissing the palm.

 

"Still. And I know it's just this... thing and should pass someday. In the meantime I just have to suck it up and count to the days when we are back home and it is little bit easier", Rob bit his lip.

 

"I think... You haven't been happy on the road. Not in Europe or elsewhere, nor back in States. But you haven't been happy at home either, between the touring?", Brad muttered feeling sad.

 

"No... I haven't. I love playing and I do appreciate the fans. But the circus around it. The traveling and media. I like to see new countries, but when you are somewhat famous you just can't do it like you would prefer. It's a duty and will be for a long time", Rob sighed.

 

"Does that mean you would see us... as a band, break up?", Brad already knew the other didn't mean it like that but he wanted to ask. He had to.

 

"No. Never. We knew what was coming when Hybrid Theory got the reception we couldn't have even imagined. And really thinking about the life before that... No. That wasn't happy either. It's just this... I think I can get over it someday. Besides, I am happy now", the drummer smiled staring straight into Brad's eyes making his heart melt.

 

"That's all I want to hear. If I can help you to be happy then it means even more. I want you to be happy. And never be anything else than happy", the guitarist whispered.

 

While they continued with their talk and Dave the game with the deejay, Chester and Mike had a talk of their own.

 

"Look how cute they are! I had a talk with Rob by the way", the singer smiled poking at the other and receiving a slap back.

 

"Quit it! About what did you talk with him?", Mike answered. He was staring at the screen of his phone but still listening.

 

"He actually came to me. He wanted to apologize the previous. When I got all excited that Brad suggested for Rob to move in with him. I think I crossed some line there but he said that it was fine and only his way to deal with things. The panicking, escaping... You know, that stuff", Chester explained.

 

"Oh... And then?" Mike asked him to continue.

 

The singer shifted rolling his eyes as the other was still staring at the phone screen. "I told him that it is rather normal thing for us to do when something new happens. And them we talked about the cutting."

 

Mike sighed. "I'm still ashamed that we didn't notice it earlier. We should have... He must have suffered so long with all the emotions spinning in his head."

 

"Yeah, I know... I said that cutting is as real addiction as drugs or alcohol or so. Just different route. And then... I told about my addiction. That I still battle with it. And we shouldn't give up. That even if it helps in that moment it just eats us from inside and soon we need it even more than before", Chester mumbled.

 

"I think that as we are ashamed we didn't see it he is ashamed doing it. I feel that he still needs constant help with the opening up and can easily regress to the same point he was in when he decided the blade would help. It doesn't need much. If his thinking pattern is anything like mine I can promise it will happen some day. But, we need to be there then. If Brad isn't, we need to be", he continued absolutely certain of his words.

 

"Maybe this time we could see it before it happens? You know since we can remember how he was before that", the emcee asked.

 

"Hope so. I made him promise that if he gets an urge or something like that he has to come to talk with me if he can't talk with Brad. I just hope he really does. Cause I certainly wouldn't. Not as first thing", he mumbled wiping the lonely tear away. He was afraid that the drummer would never properly heal.

 

"As you said- look at them", Mike pointed at the two who had been ogling at each other and were now kissing. "Brad is making him happy. I would have never in million years believed that my best friend from school would later be in love with a drummer from my band. Male one too, even though it really doesn't even matter."

 

"Ha! Cut the crap. Back then you couldn't have even believed you would have a drummer some day", the singer grinned poking him again.

 

Mike rolled his eyes swatting the hand away from his ribs. "Yeah yeah... You win. Couldn't believe any of this would happen. But really, I am glad that they are happy. And to see the relationship grow you know. It warms my heart that they have each other."

 

"Even when they are so cute that the sugar overload rots your teeth?", the other chuckled.

 

"Even then", Mike sighed smiling.

 

Meanwhile Brad and Rob had got their conversation finished and the guitarist was again annoying the other by just staring at him.

 

"If you have something to say just say it. Stop the staring. I have told you million times it is annoying", Rob frowned keeping his eyes in the book. He was tired already but still wanted to finish the chapter.

 

"Well... I kinda wished that you would come with me to the bed already", Brad grinned.

 

The drummer rolled his eyes and smiling closed the book. "That can mean only one thing Delson."

 

"Too small bed for that. But I can think something else", Brad chuckled jumping up and pulling the other with him.

 

"Eeeeww! I heard that!", Joe groaned but couldn't help the smile tugging his lips.

 

"Poor Joe feels like he is being left out. We can sure arrange something for you too...", Chester wiggled his eyebrow.

 

"Oh my god Chester! Stop it! My poor brains can't handle that!", the deejays jumped up holding his ears and escaping to the front part of the bus.

 

"You are mean", Mike chuckled.

 

The singer laughed. "Sure I am."

 

\------


	25. And I'm just trying to get it right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are again! Love you all :)
> 
>  
> 
> Warning for the sex.

\--------

 

He stood in front of his house staring at the door. The keys were dangling in his hand, he just wasn't sure did he want to use them. It was his house but he wasn't sure had it ever felt like home.

 

"Go on. You know you have to do it", Brad kissed his neck snaking an arm around his waist.

 

Rob sighed pushing the key to the keyhole and opened the door. He had decided to rent the house and just pick up his clothes and some other stuff he didn't want to leave behind. Furniture he didn't need and most were as good as new so he decided to leave them. Brad followed him inside remembering vividly the last time and how the other had broken down. Same time he was scared that it would happen again and same time relieved that Rob had decided to do this. And he himself didn't even push him towards the decision.

 

"So everything from there", Rob pointed at wooden cabinet in the living room.

 

"And those two", next he pointed at two paintings on the wall.

 

"I'll go and get my clothes", he mumbled then leaving Brad alone in the living room.

 

Silently they packed everything neatly on few cardboard boxes. Brad kept and eye on the drummer. He waited for something to happen but when Rob just continued with the packing normally he was almost certain that there wouldn't even be one.

 

"Are you sure you want to leave all the furniture behind?", he asked when they had carried the last box to the car.

 

Rob glanced at the house shaking his head. "Don't need them."

 

"Okay. If that's what you want", Brad smiled.

 

"Won't be missing that place", the drummer said when they had driven back to Brad's.

 

"You know I am so happy that you moved in with me", the other smiled watching Rob carry a box and place it in the corner of his bedroom.

 

"Yeah, me too... I still don't understand why I reacted like I did then. Cause this shouldn't be any different than us touring together. Right?", Rob sighed.

 

"Don't worry about that now. I probably would have reacted same way in your position", the other said helping him open the boxes.

 

Rob nodded taking first pile of his pants from a box. He froze realizing he didn't have a place to put them in. Brad chuckled warmly and opened a door to his closet. He had emptied the whole other side for the drummer. His own clothes he had arranged. Tossed the ones he wasn't using anymore so there was finally some space left.

 

"Really?", the drummer breathed. He felt unreal.

 

"Of course. We can buy another one later but for know what is mine is also yours. Don't be silly hey... Not like you would keep them in the boxes. Or on the floor. Bourdie...", Brad smiled stroking his shoulder.

 

"Right. Okay... Can I just say again how weird this is?", Rob shrugged and placed the pile in the closet.

 

"Sure. Cause I have something cheesy planned for later", the guitarist grinned.

 

"Brad....", the other rolled his eyes sighing.

 

"Babe... What...", Brad cooed wiggling his eyebrows.

 

Rob rolled his eyes again like it would help anything.

 

"Bourdie. You deserve it. Every single drop of happiness. And I promise you will have fun", the guitarist gave a small peck on his nose and opened another box.

 

The other smiled feeling a tingle in his abdomen. He knew the other was trying to help him. Make him feel more comfortable and loved. But he kinda didn't like the surprises. Even when the same time he liked them. Brad hadn't yet disappointed him. Not after the thing in bus when Joe was being nosey. Which he had already forgiven. He just needed to learn to trust the other better cause apparently he wasn't going to let him down.

 

Together they emptied the clothes on the bed and finally they just had tower of empty cardboard boxes ready to be tossed. Brad went to fix up something for them to eat while Rob organized his clothes better filling up his side on the closet and then went on with the shoes. That wasn't lots of. He had never been one of those who saw something nice and bought it. Not even after they earned lots of money that he really could spend like that. That was Chester and Rob had really never understood why he needed so many shoes. Sure he always looked good but honestly Rob didn't care about that. He bought clothes when he needed them to something. Like new shoes to playing, or coat when it was cold on tour and he had forgotten to bring one with him. Clothes were mostly to cover us up and keep us warm. That was how he thought about it.

 

When he was ready he glanced at the closet. Brad's side wasn't messy, but it wasn't as neat as his. Which just made him smile. It was just a perfect depiction of their relationship. Brad cared and had made room for him. He had organized his clothes, but not folded them as nicely as Rob. Rob on the other hand was little unsure to fill the room but he did it when the other assured him it was what was needed. What they both needed. And then he filled the space perfectly. Like he did Brad's heart too. Closing the door he walked out from the room and headed to the kitchen.

 

"Are you finished with your stuff?", the guitarist was just plating some kind of noodle dish.

 

He nodded and sat down at the table. They ate in silence Brad just occasionally glancing at him.

 

"Go on with your book. I know you want to. I'll call you when everything is ready", Brad winked his eyes.

 

He had gotten already used to Rob reading so much. He knew books mattered a lot for the other, so he tried to give him enough time for it and not to always suggest something else to do. When he himself read he usually did it in bed just to relax and get some sleep sooner. Which had usually ended to him waking up the book on his face at the middle of the night.

 

The other nodded looking him long and wondering what was he up. But he knew Brad wouldn't tell before the surprise was ready so he just contented to waiting and grabbing his book he sat on the familiar couch. Watching the other disappear to the other parts of the apartment he shook his head and started to read.

 

Brad's timing couldn't have been perfect. Rob had just finished a chapter which had been really exciting when the other appeared to the living room.

 

"Hey. Ready for the surprise? It isn't much but as I said you deserve even all the smallest things. And I love to see you smile", the guitarist pulled him by the arm.

 

Rob followed him feeling nervous. Brad led him to the bathroom and then he instantly remembered the hot tub. They hadn't got a chance to use it before. The hot tub was in the far left on the room, recessed in a certain space just built up for it.

 

"No you didn't", he gasped when he saw the bathroom.

 

Brad had lit so many candles that he couldn't even count them. Other lights were off but it was just perfect. The hot tub was on and there was bottle of champagne opened beside it with two glasses. And the fucking strawberries. Same time he wanted to chuckle and groan. The blush creeped to his cheeks when Brad wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed his neck.

 

"I'm not gonna ask what you think. Cause your answer would be either that you don't need it, or it was too much or cheesy... Or something like that. But Robbie. The blush tells me all I need to hear", Brad said straightforwardly and started to pull Rob's shirt off.

 

Rob smiled softly feeling the happiness spread warmly on his heart. Together they undressed rather quickly and got to the bubbling water. Brad rarely the tub it but this was just perfect situation for it. He had even had dreams about this and now they were finally here.

 

"But you have to admit it feels good, right?", he sighed when they had gotten comfortable under the water leaning on the sides.

 

Rob looked around them when Brad poured the drinks to the tall glasses. The flames dancing painted vivid shadows on the walls.

 

"Yeah... You're too good to me", he sighed when Brad gave him the other glass.

 

"And I'm still not going anywhere", the other whispered when he saw the lonely tear rolling down Rob's cheek.

 

Rob shook his head. "I know. That was a happy tear. I'm happy. Like... I can honestly say that I am happy and that I try to trust you. Getting better at it all the time I think."

 

"Good. Cause that makes me happy too. I can't wait to tell it to you every single day", Brad kissed his cheek and wriggled under his arm.

 

For a long while they just sat there enjoying the warm bubbling and whirling water on their skin and the candlelight. Rob had a wonderful smile spread on his face. Cause that all was so perfect and he still couldn't believe this all was for him. Just for him and not for anyone else.

 

"I still feel like I am living a dream", he whispered still smiling.

 

Brad chuckled. "Obviously you're not. If you can feel this."

 

He jumped quickly on Rob's lap straddling him and connected their lips. The rigid tongue pushing between his lips was making Rob gasp already. And again he was conforming to all Brad's movements. He was like warm candle wax ready to be molded to another perfection. The guitarist grabbed their glasses just to place them to the side not breaking the kiss for even a second.

 

"You're driving me crazy. Again", he broke the kiss finally just to catch a breath.

 

"I'm not doing anything. You're the one kissing me", Rob answered with half serious half kidding tone.

 

Brad grinned. "No. It's just you. You don't even need to do anything. You know how hard it is for me to keep my hands off of you when we are with the guys? Obviously you don't, since you're looking me like that. I sure love you just cause you are who you are. As in your personality. But oh my god Rob... I love everything about you. And that blushing. Fuck..."

 

Rob smirked and pulled him back to a kiss. Soon they were just a wrestling mess splashing the water all around.

 

"I think you planned this too", the drummer gasped smiling when Brad grasped his cock.

 

"Now you're being unfair. Of course I planned this... Now get your butt on the edge so I can get a taste", Brad tilted his head.

 

The other rolled his eyes and climbed on the edge. Brad pushed his legs apart and without further hesitation just dived in. While the drummer concentrated to keeping himself on the edge and not sinking back in the tub Brad twirled his tongue first slowly and then quicker. Swallowing it first whole and then getting back to the gentler licking he felt soon the fingers sinking into his curls. After a while when he added some suction and Rob moaned he new he had to stop.

 

"Yes I planned this too", he said after he had pulled away and taken a bottle of lube from it's hiding place.

 

"You really have no idea what you're doing to me", he mumbled grabbing Rob's neck to pull him to a kiss.

 

"Well... Show me", the drummer whispered after they had broken the hungry kiss.

 

Brad smirked and nodded. While the other just sat there staring him rather impatiently feeling his arousal burn Brad spread the gel like substance on his rock hard member. This was way too hot and he just couldn't wait. Rob adjusted himself leaning on his elbows. Biting his lip he watched again as the guitarist slowly pushed through the tight muscle.

 

"Fuck", Brad gasped stopping when Rob tensed up. It felt so freaking good but he didn't want to hurt the other.

 

"Are you okay? Doesn't hurt too bad? I should have warmed you up, I know", he mumbled.

 

"No, I'm fine. It stings but... just don't fuck me too hard. Yet at least", the other smiled.

 

"Robbie! Did you just say 'fuck me'? Or am I so horny that I am hearing things", Brad raised his eyebrow.

 

Rob rolled his eyes and grabbed him down to a kiss. "Yes I did say fuck me. I can say it more often if that throws you into that confusion."

 

Brad stared him in shock and smirked then. "Please do. I love the confusion."

 

Then it was just staring competition. Brad didn't dare to move even when he wanted it so badly and his position was getting uncomfortable. But those big brown eyes could maybe be the second best thing. It felt like Rob was staring into his soul.

 

"Go on. Fuck me already", Rob smirked teasing.

 

"Jeez. I think can never get used to that", Brad felt a blush creep on his cheeks.

 

But he didn't need more urging and pushed in making the drummer arch his back. Rob gasped at the feeling but didn't have even time to name it when Brad started thrusting in a slow rhythm. Soon the annoying stinging sensation subsided the pleasure kicking int and he moaned trying to get something to hold on to. The cold tiles weren't an option but he could barely reach to Brad's curls when he was leaning over him focusing on the task.

 

"You're so beautiful Robbie... And don't get me going how fucking good this feels", Brad mumbled kissing his neck.

 

Rob bit his lower lip trying to keep his moans in. The friction felt amazing. Brad pushed his hands under him forcing him to lift his butt and lean back on the tiles. Like that he was able to hit the spot that made the drummer squirm. Brad pushed in harshly digging his nails into Rob's skin. He was quickening the rhythm making Rob's breathing erratic. The drummer pulled him down to a kiss biting and sucking his lower lip.

 

"Rob... fuck...", Brad swallowed hard when the other stopped to catch a breath.

 

He stared at the other straight into his eyes. Rob's eyes were shimmering in the candle light. Just pure lust and it was causing the fire in his abdomen go crazy. His position was difficult but build up nice pace anyway.

 

Rob moaned throwing his head back when the other hit again the spot deep inside of him.

 

"Don't stop", he mumbled feeling it difficult to even form proper words.

 

The other gasped and coiled his fingers around Rob's cock the other hand still digging to his fleshy rear.

 

"I can't take it longer... You feel so amazing", Brad whispered trying to focus to the thrusting and pumping his hand same time while the squeeze around his cock was getting unbearable.

 

The drummer wrapped his strong legs around Brad's waist pulling him harder against him, wanting him to go deeper. Brad figured instantly what Rob wanted and obeyed.

 

Waves of fire were pulling him under and he released himself with a load moan. The pulsing cock inside Rob was pushing him over the edge too while the other tried to catch his breath and focus now only on his pumping hand. Brad dipped down to kiss him making Rob purr in his mouth. The lovely trembling started and Rob came on Brad's hand whimpering.

 

"You're incredible", Brad's smile spread from ear to ear. "If you keep up with the dirty talk I will have even harder time to keep my hands off of you in the future."

 

"I don't do dirty talk", Rob rolled his eyes while the other slid out of him and they splashed back to the water.

 

"Well.... For other people that might not be dirty talk but coming from your mouth... it certainly was. But as I said, I don't mind. Rather the opposite", Brad connected their lips roughly.

 

"Was I cheesy enough?", he chuckled then.

 

"Yes you were. Love when you're cheesy", Rob rolled his eyes and threw an arm over his shoulders.

 

"I'll just pour more champagne so we can stay for a little while and relax", Brad kissed his cheek.

 

"I could stay here all night. With you", the drummer smiled.

 

\------


	26. Remember you're loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and reviewing. This will be the final chapter. So hard to let go :( Lucky I have two other stories that keep me busy so the fall isn't that hard.

\-------

 

It had been almost six months since they had started the last leg of the tour in Europe. Six fucking months and Rob couldn't believe it. He remembered how he had felt back them. How lost and lonely he had been not even knowing how to survive the rest of the day. Feeling totally irrelevant to everyone. And here he was now. Not as ready to leave as he could be, but more than he would even thought he would.

 

"I know", Brad whispered to his ear and pushed him gently further when they were walking to the airplane. Rob had frozen to the corridor that lead to the airplane.

 

Like always, for the past few months, the guitarist was there. Keeping his feet on the ground and head up and making sure he wouldn't fall to the dark place and the void to consume him.

 

"You want the window seat?", Brad asked when they got inside.

 

Obviously now since the whole band traveled they had a whole section arranged for just for the band and some staff members. Which was a relief for Brad. Cause almost twelve hours in plane with other people and not being able to touch Rob would have been a nightmare. Now they had lots of space for themselves and literally possibility to go and sit away from the rest of the people if they would have wanted.

 

They had talked with the crew properly, knowing that hiding the relationship from them was way harder than hiding it from public. Since they already had contracts and most had become also friends to them none of them really complained. It had been actually Chester's idea. Like this they could also protect the two from the media.

 

Rob nodded and passed the guitarist. "Here we go Europe. Again."

 

"Lucky it's already summer there. Wouldn't want to deal with the winter temperatures", Brad shook his head.

 

"I heard Brad talking that you found a subtenant. Does that mean you two did move together?", Mike sat next to them.

 

Brad glanced at Rob smiling. If only they would know how much fun they had had the past two months. They had literally done everything possible to imagine that they could without causing too much attention. When they met the others at summer rehearsal they hadn't talked with them what they had done, but it wasn't that they didn't want to. No one just didn't ask and they already had so much in mind with the upcoming tour leg.

 

"Yeah. He moved in with me. And figured renting was better option than selling the whole house", the guitarist answered.

 

"Great news. I knew you two could figure it out", the singer winked his eye for Rob.

 

"Definitely. Think we need to celebrate this", Mike nodded glancing at Chester.

 

Rob's eyes widened. "No parties!" He certainly didn't want something like that to draw all the attention to them. To him.

 

"Oh baby, relax. I don't think Mike meant a party exactly", Brad grabbed Rob's hand to his to calm him down.

 

"Didn't mean a party. Unless you want. More like... glasses of champagne or so. Don't think we have celebrated anything in ages", the emcee smiled.

 

But Rob went totally red and Mike got confused. What did I say now?, he thought

 

The guitarist chuckled when he noticed Mike's confusion and Rob's flushing cheeks.

 

"Honey, you're blushing again. You know what that does to me...", Brad said to his ear making him only blush more furiously while shivers run through him.

 

"Stop teasing our poor drummer Brad!", Chester chuckled.

 

Brad grinned and laughed then. "Yes, champagne is fine. I just think it reminds Rob of something else than celebrating. Oh wait... I think that's celebrating too... Well anyway."

 

"Eeeew!", Joe groaned behind them.

 

The singer bursted into laughter. "Joe! Stop being such an ass!"

 

"Brad needs to borrow me his headphones when we are not on stage", the deejay said but a small smile could be seen tugging his lip.

 

"Where were we... Yes champagne. We'll do that when we get to the hotel", Mike stated nodding.

 

Rob glanced at the guitarist his cheeks still red. Brad sighed and kissed his burning cheek.

 

"A new thing again? It won't be bad, I promise. Then we can kick them out off our room. Cause you know where the champagne leads to", he said keeping his voice low.

 

"Now you're being mean!", the drummer frowned.

 

"Of course I am. That's my privilege", Brad chuckled.

 

Soon they were all babbling about random stuff and joking around. Killing time was fun when you had your best friends with you. Next they noticed sun was already setting and they had only few hours to go before the plane would land. Joe was already snoring and Dave talking on phone with his wife. Chester was listening to music and apparently sleeping and Mike was doing something on his laptop which looked super important.

 

Brad was laying head on Rob's lap again, just enjoying the quiet time. Rob stared at the sunset from window. It had painted the sky with all different shades of pink and the clouds looked like they were glowing in the last rays of the sun.

 

"Breathtaking", Brad sighed.

 

"Yeah. I think I haven't seen that beautiful sunset in... well I don't even know how long", the drummer nodded.

 

"Oh yeah, that too. I was talking about you though", the other smiled his eyes glistening.

 

"Fuck off", Rob rolled his eyes but couldn't keep the smile not spreading on his face.

 

"Now you're being the mean one", Brad stuck his tongue out. "Don't make me say it."

 

"Delson! Stop it right there", the drummer shook his head knowing where this was going to.

 

"I love you", the other snickered.

 

Rob sighed and rolled his eyes. "Jeez. You're hopeless.... I love you too."

 

"See? Wasn't that hard, was it?", Brad continued with the smirking like a teenager who had just done a successful prank.

 

"What did I just tell you Delson? Stop it. Or I'll go and cuddle with someone else", the drummer chuckled.

 

"I don't think Joe would mind...", Brad laughed deserving the slap Rob gave him.

 

Rest of the flight Rob read and Brad stared at him trying not to fall asleep or annoy him too much. Just like any other day.

 

When they finally landed Joe and Chester had gotten proper amount of sleep and were getting on everybody else's nerves being all hyper. They packed themselves in two van's and were soon at the hotel.

 

"It's cold here. Even if it's summer", Chester groaned.

 

"I think that's the Arizona speaking in you", Mike laughed.

 

The singer laughed throwing his head back, "Well it's fucking freezing!"

 

Soon they were at the hotel and got to their rooms. Obviously Brad and Rob were sharing one and the rest were sharing theirs in pairs.

 

"So I will keep my promise. Half an hour and let's meet in our room", Mike stated and received nods back from the rest of them.

 

"Do we have to go?", Rob mumbled when they were alone in their room, behind the closed door.

 

Brad sighed and pulled him on the bed grabbing him to his arms. "Yes. We have to go. It would be really rude if we wouldn't. Besides we are supposed to celebrate us, with them. Mike wants to do this for us so we'll let him, okay? We can escape then back here. Anytime you want, just say it. Knowing how late it is Mike's celebration probably doesn't mean hours."

 

"Okay. Guess you're right", Rob hugged him.

 

"Of course I am right. I'm always right. I think it is really nice that Mike wants to do this for us. They are happy cause we are happy", the guitarist said.

 

"I hope he doesn't get an idea that we want this to happen often. Or throw a party", the other mumbled.

 

Brad shook his head and kissed his cheek and reluctantly leaned up. "We'll make an escape plan then. But I'll get a quick shower before we go."

 

Rob nodded and watched the other disappear to the bathroom. Staring at the ceiling he remembered the exact day when this all started. Or what he felt like was the day it all started. He had been so frustrated and angry back then. Feeling he wasn't enough and that he wasn't even supposed to be. The void had been huge back then. Not it was so tiny that he sometimes wondered could it possibly be disappearing soon completely. He was afraid that if he would be too optimistic it would backlash.

 

"I know that look", Brad frowned when he get back from the bathroom and started to pull a shirt on.

 

Rob sighed and got up. "I'm fine. I was just thinking about where this all started back then. I haven't even told you how miserable I was. We were somewhere in Europe and I would have just rather stayed in the hotel room staring at the ceiling than leaving to eat with you all. All I could do was to fake a smile and join you. I had to fake it. Pretend like there was nothing wrong so that none of you would have questioned me."

 

Brad didn't even answer. He knew how bad it had been, even if the other wouldn't have told him everything. Pulling the other to a hug he knew he would make sure there would never be similar situation. That the drummer would never feel so bad as he did then, that he would never have to feel like that.

 

"You ready?", he said after a while.

 

"Yeah", Rob smiled and waited the other to pull the rest of his clothes on and then they were out of their room and knocked Mike's door.

 

Mike opened the door and let them in. The rest were already there scattered around the room looking happy and relaxed. Then Rob noticed there was all kinds of nice treats placed on a table with few bottles of champagne. But when he noticed the strawberries he couldn't contain himself. He bursted into laughter clinging to Brad.

 

"Did he already drink a bottle? Or is he just broken?", Chester arched his brows.

 

Mike chuckled. "Brad! Did you break our drummer?"

 

Brad was first confused but then he saw the strawberries. "Seriously? Are you laughing at them?"

 

"Yes. The fucking strawberries... Mike can be cheesy too!", Rob laughed choking.

 

The guitarist shook his head and guided the other to sit down. Soon the drummer calmed down and hid his flushing cheeks.

 

Mike handed him them glasses of champagne and cleared his throat.

 

"So! I don't do speeches. I don't know should I even make one. You probably won't even want one. But, I just want to say it out loud that we all are happy that you two have each other. And that you decided to move in with Brad. Cause that is huge step. And what ever comes along the way we are here to support you and your choice", the emcee raised the glass.

 

"Even Joe", he added then smirking.

 

The deejay rolled his eyes smiling. "Yes yes, even me!"

 

"Hear hear!", Chester clinked his glass with Mike's.

 

They raised their glasses and then relaxed back to the normal joking and chatting.

 

"They are super cute", the singer stated at Mike.

 

Mike nodded glancing at the two that were staring at each other their eyes sparkling with love. "Yeah."

 

"It isn't that bad, is it?", Brad lowered his voice for only Rob to hear.

 

Rob shook his head. "No. It's fine. I actually like it. But don't make me eat the strawberries."

 

"The fucking strawberries", Brad chuckled and grabbed the again blushing drummer to a hug.

 

 

 

~~~~ The End ~~~~


End file.
